Lately I've been having a lot of what-if moments. Not about the past, but about the future, and mostly about what's going to happen after college. What if I never become a published writer? What if I'm no good? What if I've made a mistake by banking my entire future on a career that has no guarantees? Now that I'm in my junior year at university these things have started weighing on my mind a lot more. I wonder if maybe I made a gigantic mistake and it scares me. Sometimes I'll just be doing something normal, like looking into the fridge, and it'll hit me. "Well crap. What the hell have I done? I've put all my eggs in one basket. I've let my dreams mask reality. What am I going to do if this doesn't work out?" It's a terrifying thought. Failure. Wanting something so much and then realizing that you're not good enough. I'm still not sure that I am.
I think anyone who goes into the creative arts understands this feeling. That maybe you won't make it happen. Maybe this dream is just one that you'll never see come true. Of course no one wants to believe that, especially me. I want my dreams to come true. I want all of our dreams to come true. But some dreams require more work than others, and my dream is no exception. It requires everything. It asks and I'm trying to give, but maybe what I'm giving just isn't enough. It's these kinds of doubts that plague me.
But these doubts aren't for lack of a support system. I have the best support system possible. I have people who believe in me. People who care about my dreams and seeing them fulfilled. They're just another reason why I don't want to fail. I don't want to let them down. I don't want to let myself down. I want to succeed for all of us. But even their belief in me isn't quite enough to squash my fears. After all, their opinions can be biased, but I love them for it. I hope they know that. Their support keeps me going. Keeps me writing. They inspire me.
Most of the time I can push these fears away, store them somewhere in the back of my mind and try to forget about them. But they have a habit of popping up whenever they want. Thinking about the future scares me. Thinking about other people who are younger and already more successful scares me. Leaving college scares the crap out of me. I'm sure it's this way for a lot of people, both in and out of the creative arts. But when I think about trying to find a back up, something else to fall back on, I hesitate. Because I don't want to fall back on anything. I don't want to fail or say I tried and then give up. I don't want to do anything else. I want to write. That's just the simple truth. Regardless of the fears, regardless of the doubt, regardless of everything inside me that's terrified of failing. I just want to write. I want people to read what I write and feel something. I want them to connect, to smile and laugh and cry. To listen and understand. That's all I've ever wanted.
From the moment I started writing seriously, I never once looked back. I had written all my life, but once I realized that I had it inside myself to create something, to create my own worlds, I was hooked. I've been writing ever since. It's the reason I started this blog in the first place. To write more. To share things. To connect. It's been a good outlet for me, one I will continue to use. But it still doesn't feel like enough.
I know I'm only twenty-one. I still have time, room for improvement and growth. There will always be room for that. I know this. I am trying to remember this. Yet I still feel as if what I want I may never have. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me, or the introvert in me, or just the "me" in me, that feels like nothing is ever really finished. Nothing is ever really the way I want it to be. Nothing is ever good enough to share with other people. It's strange really, that I'm able to share my thoughts and feelings with you all here on this blog, but yet it is my made-up worlds, my made-up people, that I'm terrified of sharing. Maybe that's how all creatives feel, I don't know, but it's how I feel. It's as if the fiction I write about imaginary people reveals more about me than the deepest possible blog post or non-fiction I could muster. And I guess that scares me. Because even if fiction can be called a lie, it's also the complete and total truth. About life, about love, about the person writing it. On this blog I always do my very best to tell you the truth, but my fiction tells the truth in a different way. A way that I don't even really understand yet, and I guess that's sort of terrifying. To share my fictions would be to lay myself bare, to allow someone else to enter my secret world, and maybe I'm just not quite there yet. Because what if no one likes it? What if no one likes my imaginary world and my imaginary people? It's personal for me, maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. I love my imaginary people, I love them as if they were real, as if they were family. They don't just live on the page, they live inside my brain and I live in theirs. It's a rare kind of feeling, but a feeling that I love. Even if sometimes I feel a bit crazy.
But to be a true writer is to share, right? To connect is to take a risk. Love and writing, I think, are very similar in this way; at least for me. Both require effort sometimes, both require risk, both require vulnerability. Both ask for a lot, but also give a lot when it's good. Both can be incredibly beautiful and both can break your heart. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but the experiences stay with you. Both can teach you things you never knew about yourself. And about life and the world. I like this about writing and about love. It's all in the risks. In the falling, in the getting back up and trying again. If you don't at least have a little faith in what you're doing then no one else will either. Even when the fears plague you, even when the doubts get in your way, you have to believe in what you're doing. In both love and writing. You have to believe that you're doing the right thing and for the right reasons. You have to believe in the path that you've chosen, and if you don't, then choose a different path. It's as simple, and as difficult, as that. I'm trying to believe in this path I've chosen. Despite it's pitfalls, despite how scary it may be. It's the only path I can see right now. And at this point in my life, it's the only path I want.
I write because I have to. Because I'd go crazy if I didn't. Because when I write I get to be someone other than myself. I get to go to places that don't even exist. When I write I feel myself coming to life. All the insecurities and fears fall away and I just get to be in the moment. I think Joss Whedon summed it up pretty well when he said this. "I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I'm afraid of."
I fell in love with writing a long time ago. I don't plan on leaving it anytime soon. As for the rest of it, we'll see. I'm just going to keep on writing. Because really, that's all I can do.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
P.S. Here's a great video by ZeFrank all about his thoughts on the Creative Career. I think he makes some great points and has some awesome insights. I watch it whenever I'm feeling the doubts creep in. Hope it can help some of you too if you're thinking of doing something creative, or if you already are.
