Lately, I've been thinking a lot about a quote from one of my favorite books by Gayle Forman called Where She Went. In the story both the two main characters and one of their friends have all gone off to become important people and to do amazing things. And when one character, Adam, says this is strange--all of them coming from the same small town--the other, Mia, says that it's not strange at all. In that moment she says, "We were all forged in the crucible," and somehow it makes perfect sense. And from the first moment I read that book over two years ago that line has stuck with me. Because in a way I also feel as if I have been forged in the crucible. I may not be important or well known and the things I do may not hold much meaning for others, but somehow I still feel so incredibly lucky.
So lucky to be born into the world in the exact spot that I'm in with the people that are in my life. So lucky to have been placed in the exact right moment at the exact right time to find people to add to my little circle and surround myself with them and experience life with them. To me, it's amazing. I look back on my life so far and so many times I've wondered if it's been enough. If I've done enough, if I've accomplished enough, seen enough, experienced enough. And so many times I worry that the answer is no. But then I think of the memories, all of the countless moments that I've had the privilege to experience with the people I've experienced them with. And I think that maybe the answer to my questions don't really matter so much. Because even if I may not feel that my present is able to live up to my past, at least I have a great past to look back on. And someday this present will become my past and if I can look back on it and think of great memories made with the people I love then I think that matters so much more than anything else I may accomplish.
I've grown up in this small town in the middle of Missouri and so many people would be looking for a way out, are looking for a way out. Or so many people would be sticking around their whole lives, whether they meant to or not. But I don't feel the need to do either. I feel as if whether I stay or I go it won't matter so much because in the end at least I was here. I was here in a time when things were exciting and changing and I got to make some of the greatest memories of my life. And even if there is bad stuff that gets sprinkled in with the good every once in awhile then at least I know I have people around me who can help me through it. I think that's what really matters about a place, is the people you get to live it with. And in some ways that makes me feel as if I'll never be able to leave because how could I possibly when everyone I love is here, in this place. Every single person who makes up my life and who I am is right here. And then there's the other part of me that wants to see the world, wants to experience new things, new people, expand my circle. Because that is important. It feels important to my existence as a human being, to go out, to explore, to discover. It feels essential, just as much as living day to day with my people feels essential.
And when I think of leaving, when I think of getting out, I feel excited. But I also feel so afraid. Afraid, not of going toward the new, but of leaving behind the familiar. Because it's the little moments I get to experience when I'm living the day to day that I cherish the most. Like seeing my family every day. Getting to have late night talks with my sisters. Laughing in the kitchen with my mom. Hearing the garage door open and knowing that my dad is home. Going to my grandma's for dinner and holidays. Knowing that my best friends are only a short car ride away. It's those little tiny moments that happen in life every day that I think I would miss the most, and that I'm afraid to let go of. Because though I've gotten to be apart of so many of them, there are always more to come. Always. And that's my catch 22.
Staying or leaving. Either way something is lost and something is gained. But through it all I feel so lucky still, to be here now, living this. My now. And whatever happens in the future, not matter where I go, I'll always be able to look back and know that I was forged in the crucible. I was in this place in this time with these people, and I saw everything. And someday I'll go somewhere new and I'll see even more. And that's lucky too. Because I was here. I am here. And someday maybe my here will be somewhere else, and this here will become a there. But no matter what, the people that exist in my now will always be in it, no matter where here or there is. Because really, they are my now. And they always will be.
Not sure if this has made any sense at all whatsoever. But tonight I just felt like writing, and this is what came out.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
