Being the music obsessed person that I am, I thought I'd throw together a list of my top 6 albums for the year (because 5 just wasn't quite enough), along with a list of honorable mentions that I enjoyed very much, but maybe didn't get to listen to this year as much as I would have liked. Obviously this list is merely my opinion, and I am no expert on the subject, but these are the albums that have been the most influential and important to me this year, and the albums that have excited me the most. I hope you enjoy.
6. Islands (Deluxe) -- Bear's Den
I recently wrote about Bear's Den on the blog for my latest addition of Music Monday, and because I loved Islands so much, I knew I needed to add them to this list. They are the perfect mix of folk and indie and rock all rolled into one. And lately there hasn't been a playlist I've made that hasn't included at least one of their songs. They are a great band who deserve all the success they've achieved, and I can't wait to see, and hear, what they create in the years to come.
Favorite Songs from Islands: Above The Clouds Of Pompeii, Agape, Bad Blood, Elysium, Isaac, Magdalene, When You Break
5. Know-It-All (Deluxe) -- Alessia Cara
Alessia Cara is another artist I mentioned in last month's Music Monday and since then I've enjoyed her album immensely, so much so that I knew this list wouldn't be complete without her. I love both the innocence and the depth of Know-It-All, and the way that Alessia isn't afraid to be herself and sing about things that matter to her. She makes you feel that it's okay to be you, and it's okay to be the girl at the party who just wants to go home. Or better yet the girl who doesn't even show up to the party at all, and would much rather hang out with her friends and listen to music and talk about things that matter. Alessia shows young people everywhere that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing, and most of the time life is a lot more interesting and better when you don't. And because of this I look forward to whatever these next few years have in store for her.
Favorite Songs from Know-It-All: Scars To Your Beautiful, Here, River Of Tears, Outlaws, I'm Yours, Overdose, Stars
4. Wilder Mind (Deluxe) -- Mumford & Sons
After fearing that the Mumford & Sons hiatus might last much too long, I was wonderfully surprised this year when they announced they would be releasing a new album. And being one of my favorite bands, of course I had to make sure they made this list. Though a bit different than most of their previous stuff, with much more rock and less folk, I was still very pleased after listening to Wilder Mind for the first time. The gradual change in their sound and the harder rock elements seem like a natural growth for the band, while still remaining true to who they've always been. And I only hope that the band will continue to make music together for a very long time.
Favorite Songs from Wilder Mind: Only Love, Believe, Hot Gates, Tompkins Square Park, The Wolf, Snake Eyes
3. I Swam Out To Greet You -- Slow Club
If I'm being honest, I've only just started listening to Slow Club very, very recently, but after spending some time with their music and hearing their newest album, I Swam Out To Greet You, I decided they needed to be on this list. And so here they are. I read about Slow Club in a book that both stole my heart and then destroyed it completely, so I guess to punish myself further I decided to check them out, and I was not disappointed. I hope you aren't either. And now that I know about Slow Club, I know I'll be listening to them for a long time to come.
Favorite Songs from I Swam Out To Greet You: I Couldn't Say It To Your Face, I Threw It All Away, Willow Tree, Seasons (Waiting On You), Birds, Desperado (Cover), Blue Harbour, The Prophet
2. 25 (Deluxe) -- Adele
Of course Adele's 25 is on this list, regardless of how late in the year it was released. Since I first heard that she was releasing a new album I was waiting impatiently to hear her new music and I was not disappointed. My mom and I went out and bought the album the day it was released and I've been listening and belting out the entire album ever since. After the first initial listen there were a few stand out favorites for me that I really, really loved, but after listening to it a second time I fell in love with every single song. And after listening to it on a long car ride just as the sun was setting and it became dark outside, the album became something else entirely. It's beautiful, it's haunting, it's just magic, and if my number one album wasn't so important to me the way that it is, then Adele's 25 would definitely be number one for this year and the next.
Favorite Songs from 25: When We Were Young, Million Years Ago, Hello, Sweetest Devotion, Can't Let Go, All I Ask, Remedy, Water Under The Bridge, River Lea...basically all of them.
1. Blurryface -- Twenty One Pilots
Over the course of a few short months this band that I have loved for more than two years has worked their way up the list of my top ten favorite bands to take their place at the very top, at number one. And with the release of their newest album Blurryface earlier this year they have also gained the number one spot on my list of top albums of 2015. This album holds an incredible significance for me and it came into my life at exactly the right time when I needed it most. It's gotten me through these past few crazy, confusing, stressful months after graduating college and trying to find my way in the world and I love every single song. There isn't one thing I would change about this album, or one song I'd want to lose. In my opinion, it's perfect. And come August of next year I will be standing in an arena with thousands of other people who love this band and this album almost as much as me and singing along to every song at the top of my lungs as Tyler and Josh do their thing on stage. It's going to be incredible, and I can't freaking wait. Blurryface isn't just my number one album for the year, it's my number one album for me, and for this strange time in my life when nothing seems to make much sense, but Twenty One Pilots and their music, they always do.
Favorite Songs from Blurryface: All of them. Every single one.
Honorable Mentions
7. BADLANDS -- Halsey
8. Beauty Behind The Madness -- The Weeknd
9. Every Open Eye -- CHVRCHES
10. Made In The A.M. -- One Direction
11. Grand Romantic -- Nate Ruess
12. HAIZ (EP) -- Hailee Steinfeld
13. Pentatonix -- Pentatonix
14. Emotion -- Carly Rae Jepsen
15. Communion -- Years & Years
So those are my top albums for 2015. Hopefully there are a few albums and artists here that you haven't heard before, and hopefully in the coming year you'll give them a listen, along with all of your favorites. Here's to a new year full of good music, good friends, good stories, and lots of love.
Happy New Year, loves.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
23
For the last two years I've made a list (21 and 22) on my birthday of all the things the past year has taught me. And though it has often felt more difficult than most, this year is no exception. So below is a list of things I have learned this year that I will carry with me into 23.
23. You spent a large part of this year being afraid. Afraid of what the future holds. Afraid of your own mind. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of your tears. Afraid of strangers, and afraid of the people in your life that you love the most, and the fact that you might disappoint them, or already have. But this next year you must not allow your fears to make the decisions for you. It's okay to cry. And it's okay to be afraid sometimes. But it's not okay to let it stop you from living your life. You have grown far too comfortable with your surroundings, but now you must learn to embrace the uncomfortable. Go out into the world alone and allow yourself to feel the fear that comes along with it. But do not allow your fear to hold you prisoner within the walls of your own room. There is a great big world out there waiting for you. Go see it while you still can. It is time to start holding yourself accountable for your own life.
23 Things I Have Learned Upon Turning 23
1. Being in your twenties is just as exciting as everyone says, but don't let the books and movies and television shows fool you. It's also confusing and terrifying and stressful as hell, and it's easy to get overwhelmed by it all, but don't give up. This time in our lives is meant to be crazy and scary and wonderfully, horribly weird. Embrace it. Learn from it. Never take it for granted.
2. No matter how old you get, as far as I can tell, that whole "not quite having your life together" feeling never really goes away. It just changes right along with you and you just keep on living your life. And whether you have it together or not, your life is still yours, in all its messy glory, so own it.
3. The right shade of red lipstick really can work wonders.
4. People always say that college is the place where you find yourself, where you become who you're supposed to be, but it's okay to not know who you are yet, even after college has ended. You have your whole life to figure out who you are. Don't rush it.
5. Not everything can be fixed by a laugh, or Adele, or the perfect combination of frozen yogurt flavors, but they sure can help.
6. One of the best things to come out of this year is the amount of writing you've done, but you haven't read nearly as much as you wanted to. Make an effort in the coming year to read more, as much as you used to. More than you used to. Reading is your first love and without it you don't really feel like yourself. Pick up a book.
7. Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes things just happen, no matter how much you wish they wouldn't. And when they happen, sometimes all you can do is be there for the people you love. Even when being there is hard or scary. Even when you aren't sure they want you there at all. Just be there.
8. Eye shadow isn't quite as intimidating as it may seem. You might even be getting the hang of it. Eyeliner, however, is another story.
9. Don't let fear or embarrassment keep you from telling people what you really want or don't want. Even if it may hurt them a little, it's better than ignoring them. You're not a teenager anymore, and you can't always get away with passive aggressive silence. Tell people how you feel.
10. Mental health is just as important as physical health, but not everyone is going to understand this. Try and help them understand, but don't force it. Focus on making yourself a healthier, happier person.
11. Music can and will save your life. Don't let anyone tell you different.
12. Remember that your sisters are watching. Remember this every time you look in the mirror at yourself and want to say something negative. It doesn't matter how old they get, you are still their example, so try to be a good one. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself more. You will all be better for it.
13. The books and the films always seem to romanticize heartbreak, but there's nothing romantic about breaking your own heart.
14. Sometimes the negativity in your life can come from the most unexpected places, and the most unexpected people, even by accident. And though it may be hard to do, it's okay to take a step back from it all. Even if it's just for a little while. But don't allow your fears to turn a little while into forever. Some relationships are too important to walk away from. And sometimes people need you most when it feels as if they don't need you at all. And even if they don't know it, you need them too.
15. Dry shampoo is a girl's best friend.
18. Accept the fact that people change; sometimes slowly over time, and sometimes seemingly overnight. Accept that there isn't really anything you can do about this. Remember that they are on their own path, and though it may be parallel to yours, it is not the same path. Don't forget that you are changing too.
19. The cover of "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams is a fucking great song. And occasional profanity can be very cathartic.
20. Throughout life you will encounter people who will try to make you feel like what you believe, or what you care about, is wrong, or doesn't matter. Don't let them. You believe what you believe. But always remember that just because they believe something different, doesn't mean they are any worse or any better than you. The world isn't full of only good or only bad people and nothing is ever completely one thing or the other. Everyone is made up of gray areas. And neither you nor anyone else is ever always right or always wrong. But that doesn't mean you should compromise your own beliefs for someone else's. Stand up for yourself and what matters to you. But always remember to listen to what other people have to say. Show them the respect you want to be shown in return.
21. Always, always do your best to be kind. There is already too much negativity in the world and it won't ever do you any good to add to it. And no matter how much you may disagree with someone, or how angry they make you, you can never truly know what they're going through. So even when your instincts are pushing you toward anger, choose kindness instead.
22. Sometimes you seem to forget what it was like when you were 14 and believed you knew everything about the world. Or when you were 18 and just wanted to go, go, go and never look back. Try to remember for them. Try to be more patient. Try to show them that you are all so different, but so similar at the same time. Try to be more open about how much they mean to you. That without them your life would be unrecognizable. That they are so much better than you will ever be. Help them to avoid making the same mistakes you made, but know that they will make mistakes that are all their own. Be there for them when they do. And even though it scares the crap out of you every time they leave the house, remember that you are not their mother. You are their sister, and that's all they need you to be. So be a better one.
2. No matter how old you get, as far as I can tell, that whole "not quite having your life together" feeling never really goes away. It just changes right along with you and you just keep on living your life. And whether you have it together or not, your life is still yours, in all its messy glory, so own it.
3. The right shade of red lipstick really can work wonders.
4. People always say that college is the place where you find yourself, where you become who you're supposed to be, but it's okay to not know who you are yet, even after college has ended. You have your whole life to figure out who you are. Don't rush it.
5. Not everything can be fixed by a laugh, or Adele, or the perfect combination of frozen yogurt flavors, but they sure can help.
6. One of the best things to come out of this year is the amount of writing you've done, but you haven't read nearly as much as you wanted to. Make an effort in the coming year to read more, as much as you used to. More than you used to. Reading is your first love and without it you don't really feel like yourself. Pick up a book.
7. Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes things just happen, no matter how much you wish they wouldn't. And when they happen, sometimes all you can do is be there for the people you love. Even when being there is hard or scary. Even when you aren't sure they want you there at all. Just be there.
8. Eye shadow isn't quite as intimidating as it may seem. You might even be getting the hang of it. Eyeliner, however, is another story.
9. Don't let fear or embarrassment keep you from telling people what you really want or don't want. Even if it may hurt them a little, it's better than ignoring them. You're not a teenager anymore, and you can't always get away with passive aggressive silence. Tell people how you feel.
10. Mental health is just as important as physical health, but not everyone is going to understand this. Try and help them understand, but don't force it. Focus on making yourself a healthier, happier person.
11. Music can and will save your life. Don't let anyone tell you different.
12. Remember that your sisters are watching. Remember this every time you look in the mirror at yourself and want to say something negative. It doesn't matter how old they get, you are still their example, so try to be a good one. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself more. You will all be better for it.
13. The books and the films always seem to romanticize heartbreak, but there's nothing romantic about breaking your own heart.
14. Sometimes the negativity in your life can come from the most unexpected places, and the most unexpected people, even by accident. And though it may be hard to do, it's okay to take a step back from it all. Even if it's just for a little while. But don't allow your fears to turn a little while into forever. Some relationships are too important to walk away from. And sometimes people need you most when it feels as if they don't need you at all. And even if they don't know it, you need them too.
15. Dry shampoo is a girl's best friend.
16. The way you feel right now makes it hard to maintain the relationships in your life, but please don't give up. Keep reaching out, even if it's hard. Keep trying. Don't lose the people you care most about just because they seem to be moving on without you. They aren't leaving you behind, but they aren't going to sit around waiting for you either. Show them that they matter to you. Make an effort.
17. One of the bravest things you can do in life is ask for help.
17. One of the bravest things you can do in life is ask for help.
18. Accept the fact that people change; sometimes slowly over time, and sometimes seemingly overnight. Accept that there isn't really anything you can do about this. Remember that they are on their own path, and though it may be parallel to yours, it is not the same path. Don't forget that you are changing too.
19. The cover of "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams is a fucking great song. And occasional profanity can be very cathartic.
20. Throughout life you will encounter people who will try to make you feel like what you believe, or what you care about, is wrong, or doesn't matter. Don't let them. You believe what you believe. But always remember that just because they believe something different, doesn't mean they are any worse or any better than you. The world isn't full of only good or only bad people and nothing is ever completely one thing or the other. Everyone is made up of gray areas. And neither you nor anyone else is ever always right or always wrong. But that doesn't mean you should compromise your own beliefs for someone else's. Stand up for yourself and what matters to you. But always remember to listen to what other people have to say. Show them the respect you want to be shown in return.
21. Always, always do your best to be kind. There is already too much negativity in the world and it won't ever do you any good to add to it. And no matter how much you may disagree with someone, or how angry they make you, you can never truly know what they're going through. So even when your instincts are pushing you toward anger, choose kindness instead.
23. You spent a large part of this year being afraid. Afraid of what the future holds. Afraid of your own mind. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of your tears. Afraid of strangers, and afraid of the people in your life that you love the most, and the fact that you might disappoint them, or already have. But this next year you must not allow your fears to make the decisions for you. It's okay to cry. And it's okay to be afraid sometimes. But it's not okay to let it stop you from living your life. You have grown far too comfortable with your surroundings, but now you must learn to embrace the uncomfortable. Go out into the world alone and allow yourself to feel the fear that comes along with it. But do not allow your fear to hold you prisoner within the walls of your own room. There is a great big world out there waiting for you. Go see it while you still can. It is time to start holding yourself accountable for your own life.
~
22 has been a big year for me, but it's also been one of the hardest years, emotionally and mentally, that I've ever experienced. From graduating college and the ensuing panic of not knowing what to do next, to the realization that my anxiety had gotten worse rather than better and spending almost all of the past few months afraid to leave the house alone, it's been a whirlwind of emotions and pretending that they don't exist. I've had some amazing highs this year and some catastrophically low lows, and still the world has gone on spinning and now here I am, turning 23. In some ways I am very glad to say goodbye to 22, if only because it wasn't at all how I wished it could have been. But then again that's one of the reasons why I am also so very sad to see it go. I had so many hopes and expectations for this year, my golden year, and now all I want is to be able to go back and live it all (or almost all) over again, only this time I'd want to do things differently. But of course I can't go back, and maybe that's a good thing, because if there's one thing this year has taught me it's that looking back too much can keep you from moving forward. So instead I will try to look ahead, to look forward to what 23 has in store for me and hope that this year I will be strong enough to do things a little differently. During my 22nd year I spent far too much time waiting for life to happen to me, as if life can happen to anyone who spends five days out of seven in her pajamas. So this year, my 23rd year, I'm going to do everything I can to try and live my life more purposefully, using each day to it's full potential. And I'm going to do my best to become a healthier person; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I'm going to try my best to make this next year as amazing as the past year could have been, so that by this time next December I'll be making a new list, all about the wonderful things I've learned. And I'll be able to tell you all about what the people I've met and the places I've been have taught me about what it means to live a life in motion, rather than one spent standing still.
There is a song that says, nobody likes you when you're 23, but this year the only person I really want to like me, is me. This past year is the year I got a little lost, the year I tripped up, so I'm going to spend this next year doing everything I can to find myself again. Here's hoping I find someone better than before.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
There is a song that says, nobody likes you when you're 23, but this year the only person I really want to like me, is me. This past year is the year I got a little lost, the year I tripped up, so I'm going to spend this next year doing everything I can to find myself again. Here's hoping I find someone better than before.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
A Better Way
One of the biggest issues I have when I write is the constant thought that I could do better. And that someone else already has done it better, much better, than me. When I write I am always trying to find the perfect way to phrase something. To put just the right words together to get the sentence to sound the way that I want it to sound. I'm always wondering if there is a better way. Is there a better way to put this? Is there a better way to get my point across? Is there a better storyline hidden in here somewhere? So I write and I write and I write and sometimes I think I get it right, or at least very close. But most of the time I am still always wondering if there is a better way.
I'm not sure if everyone who writes feels this way, but I do know that most people never get it right the first time, or the first draft. It's the trying that matters. The desire to not only say something, but to say it right. And I think there is merit in that. After all, we who love words know the power that they can hold. We know how amazing they can be when lined up in just the right order on a page. And we know that when someone gets it right, I mean really, really right, words can have the power to change the world. To shape history. And while I know that what I write would never and could never be quite as powerful as this, that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to at least write the best thing that I can write. And no matter where my writing takes me, or how many drafts I start and restart, I hope I will never stop trying to get it right. I will never stop trying to find a better way, until I've found the best way to say whatever it is that needs to be said. Or write what needs to be written.
"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
-- Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums
Love & Chaos,
Sam
I'm not sure if everyone who writes feels this way, but I do know that most people never get it right the first time, or the first draft. It's the trying that matters. The desire to not only say something, but to say it right. And I think there is merit in that. After all, we who love words know the power that they can hold. We know how amazing they can be when lined up in just the right order on a page. And we know that when someone gets it right, I mean really, really right, words can have the power to change the world. To shape history. And while I know that what I write would never and could never be quite as powerful as this, that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to at least write the best thing that I can write. And no matter where my writing takes me, or how many drafts I start and restart, I hope I will never stop trying to get it right. I will never stop trying to find a better way, until I've found the best way to say whatever it is that needs to be said. Or write what needs to be written.
"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
-- Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Monday, November 23, 2015
Music Monday (5)
Music Monday -- Late Autumn/Early Winter Addition
1. Bear's Den
Bear's Den is a band that I've only just gotten into this past year, but now that I'm into them I can't seem to stop listening. They're beautiful melodies and the sound of lead vocalist Andrew Davie's voice has a wonderful calming effect on me that's become incredibly addicting. And just like sitting beside a warm fire or drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa, listening to their music in these cold autumn/winter months is a beautiful comfort. The soft guitar in most of their songs fits in well with falling snowflakes and quiet days spent wrapped in fuzzy blankets. Their sound encapsulates almost all of my favorite things about folk/indie music and I look forward to not only enjoying them in the next few months, but for years to come.
Favorite Songs: Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Agape - Sophie - Bad Blood - Elysium - Issac - Magdalene - When You Break
2. Alessia Cara
Alessia is a new artist that has only recently made her way onto my radar, but after first hearing her single "Here," and realizing that it was basically written for me, I was excited to hear more from her. And with the very recent release of her debut album, Know-It-All, I found even more songs to love and relate to. Her sound is fun and sweet, but with a little edge and attitude mixed in, which is what I think makes it so great. It's not my typical fall/winter go-to music like some of these other artists, but when the music is good, I don't think it really matters how well it does or doesn't fit in with the season. Alessia's music is the kind of music I would listen to at all times of the year, but since her album has been released this month I thought I'd add her to this list so you can all see for yourselves what a great new talent she is. I'm just glad that I found her so early in her career, and now I'm excited to see what great things she'll do in the future.
Favorite Songs: Here - Scars To Your Beautiful - River Of Tears - Outlaws - I'm Yours - Overdose - Stars
3. Iron & Wine
Iron & Wine (aka Sam Beam) has been in my life for quite some time now. The first song I ever heard of his was "Flightless Bird, American Mouth," and at the time it was different from everything else I was listening to. You could say that this was my alt. rock stage with how heavy and loud most of the music I was listening to was, but Iron & Wine was different, and this made me like his music all the more. Since then I've been lucky enough to hear him play live and let me tell you, it was an experience. Not only did he sound amazing, but he spent most of the evening just asking the crowd what they wanted to hear and then playing whatever it was that someone shouted out. It was great and it made the experience feel more personal than probably any show I've ever been to. Also he's pretty funny, which is always a bonus. And I think that his slow and steady sound fits in perfectly with the quietness that this colder weather always brings.
Favorite Songs: Such Great Heights - Flightless Bird, American Mouth - The Trapeze Swinger - Boy With A Coin - The Sea & The Rhythm - Freckled Girl
4. Pentatonix
If you haven't heard of Pentatonix by now, then let me be the first to tell you that you should definitely check them out. They are an A Capella group that got their start doing covers of popular songs, but have since gone on to release many cover albums, and have recently released their first completely original album. Now I know when you hear A Capella you might be thinking something along the lines of a barber shop quartet, but let me assure you that this group is nothing like the A Capella groups of old. This group brings a whole new meaning to the genre and if you enjoyed the music of the Pitch Perfect franchise even a little, then you'll definitely love Pentatonix. Not to mention they won a Grammy this past year, and if that doesn't convince you to give them a listen, then I don't know what will. Like Alessia Cara, they sound nothing like my usual fall/winter bands and artists, but it doesn't even matter. Instead of fitting in with the weather, they give me a little boost of energy every time I listen to their new self-titled album. They make me happy when skies are gray, so to speak, and they sound like no one else out there today because they don't use instruments. Instead their voices have become the instruments, and what beautiful instruments they are indeed.
Favorite Songs: Rose Gold - Can't Sleep Love - Cracked - Ref - Water - New Year's Day - Take Me Home - Misbehavin'
5. The Head And The Heart
The Head And The Heart is a group that I've been listening to for probably two or three years now, and though I like to listen to them all year round, I find myself listening to them the most in the time between November and December. It's a time that I love very much, and TH&TH are always a perfect accompaniment to the changing weather and that special time of the year when it doesn't really feel like autumn anymore, but it's still not quite winter either. I love the combination of the male voices and the one female voice that all seem to meld together so perfectly, and yet always stand out at the same time. Together they are able to create a beautiful sound that is both quintessentially indie/folk, while at the same time sounding like nothing else in the genre. Their music always reminds me of snowy woods and almost frozen streams, and days when the sun shines bright and the wind blows fast and it's so cold that it turns your cheeks red. It's little things like that that make me love this time of year, and also this band.
Favorite Songs: Down in the Valley - Rivers and Roads - Winter Song - Lost in My Mind - Let's Be Still - Another Story
1. Bear's Den
Bear's Den is a band that I've only just gotten into this past year, but now that I'm into them I can't seem to stop listening. They're beautiful melodies and the sound of lead vocalist Andrew Davie's voice has a wonderful calming effect on me that's become incredibly addicting. And just like sitting beside a warm fire or drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa, listening to their music in these cold autumn/winter months is a beautiful comfort. The soft guitar in most of their songs fits in well with falling snowflakes and quiet days spent wrapped in fuzzy blankets. Their sound encapsulates almost all of my favorite things about folk/indie music and I look forward to not only enjoying them in the next few months, but for years to come.
Favorite Songs: Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Agape - Sophie - Bad Blood - Elysium - Issac - Magdalene - When You Break
Alessia is a new artist that has only recently made her way onto my radar, but after first hearing her single "Here," and realizing that it was basically written for me, I was excited to hear more from her. And with the very recent release of her debut album, Know-It-All, I found even more songs to love and relate to. Her sound is fun and sweet, but with a little edge and attitude mixed in, which is what I think makes it so great. It's not my typical fall/winter go-to music like some of these other artists, but when the music is good, I don't think it really matters how well it does or doesn't fit in with the season. Alessia's music is the kind of music I would listen to at all times of the year, but since her album has been released this month I thought I'd add her to this list so you can all see for yourselves what a great new talent she is. I'm just glad that I found her so early in her career, and now I'm excited to see what great things she'll do in the future.
Favorite Songs: Here - Scars To Your Beautiful - River Of Tears - Outlaws - I'm Yours - Overdose - Stars
3. Iron & Wine
Iron & Wine (aka Sam Beam) has been in my life for quite some time now. The first song I ever heard of his was "Flightless Bird, American Mouth," and at the time it was different from everything else I was listening to. You could say that this was my alt. rock stage with how heavy and loud most of the music I was listening to was, but Iron & Wine was different, and this made me like his music all the more. Since then I've been lucky enough to hear him play live and let me tell you, it was an experience. Not only did he sound amazing, but he spent most of the evening just asking the crowd what they wanted to hear and then playing whatever it was that someone shouted out. It was great and it made the experience feel more personal than probably any show I've ever been to. Also he's pretty funny, which is always a bonus. And I think that his slow and steady sound fits in perfectly with the quietness that this colder weather always brings.
Favorite Songs: Such Great Heights - Flightless Bird, American Mouth - The Trapeze Swinger - Boy With A Coin - The Sea & The Rhythm - Freckled Girl
If you haven't heard of Pentatonix by now, then let me be the first to tell you that you should definitely check them out. They are an A Capella group that got their start doing covers of popular songs, but have since gone on to release many cover albums, and have recently released their first completely original album. Now I know when you hear A Capella you might be thinking something along the lines of a barber shop quartet, but let me assure you that this group is nothing like the A Capella groups of old. This group brings a whole new meaning to the genre and if you enjoyed the music of the Pitch Perfect franchise even a little, then you'll definitely love Pentatonix. Not to mention they won a Grammy this past year, and if that doesn't convince you to give them a listen, then I don't know what will. Like Alessia Cara, they sound nothing like my usual fall/winter bands and artists, but it doesn't even matter. Instead of fitting in with the weather, they give me a little boost of energy every time I listen to their new self-titled album. They make me happy when skies are gray, so to speak, and they sound like no one else out there today because they don't use instruments. Instead their voices have become the instruments, and what beautiful instruments they are indeed.
Favorite Songs: Rose Gold - Can't Sleep Love - Cracked - Ref - Water - New Year's Day - Take Me Home - Misbehavin'
The Head And The Heart is a group that I've been listening to for probably two or three years now, and though I like to listen to them all year round, I find myself listening to them the most in the time between November and December. It's a time that I love very much, and TH&TH are always a perfect accompaniment to the changing weather and that special time of the year when it doesn't really feel like autumn anymore, but it's still not quite winter either. I love the combination of the male voices and the one female voice that all seem to meld together so perfectly, and yet always stand out at the same time. Together they are able to create a beautiful sound that is both quintessentially indie/folk, while at the same time sounding like nothing else in the genre. Their music always reminds me of snowy woods and almost frozen streams, and days when the sun shines bright and the wind blows fast and it's so cold that it turns your cheeks red. It's little things like that that make me love this time of year, and also this band.
Favorite Songs: Down in the Valley - Rivers and Roads - Winter Song - Lost in My Mind - Let's Be Still - Another Story
Happy Listening, Friends!
Love & Chaos, Sam
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Playing Catch Up
I think it's safe to say that I've spent the majority of my teen years and now my early adulthood feeling as if I'm playing catch up with everyone around me. All my friends and peers got their licenses before me. They all got summer jobs before me. They got boyfriends and broken hearts before me. And now they're all adjusting to adulthood better than I ever could. And that's how the past ten years of my life have gone. Running to catch up with my friends and my peers, and never quite making it in time. Because as soon as I get to a place where I finally feel as if I've made some progress, as if I've gotten closer to where everyone else seems to be, I look up and they're already ten steps ahead of me once again.
I remember being asked to write a poem my Junior year of high school for my English class, and I remember to this day that my poem was all about trying to keep up with everyone around me. Trying to figure out how to make the same transition from being a kid to a semi-adult that everyone else seemed to be making. And I also remember that the poem made my mother cry, but that isn't really saying much. My mother cries at everything I write. Still, that one poem has stuck with me for a long time, and in a lot of ways I feel as if I'm still living it today. Still barely keeping up. Still feeling out of place or left behind. Still wishing that I could somehow develop the same gene that everyone around me seems to have that allows them to grow up and move out and start acting like an adult. Not that I'm particularly looking forward to acting like an adult, but it feels like it should be time. I'm almost 23 years old and yet most days, at least on the inside, I still feel like that same terrified, starry-eyed 17 year old girl who only wants to spend time with her family, read books about beautiful boys and brave girls, and laugh with her friends. Who wants to believe in magic and soulmates and dreams that actually come true. Who just wishes that someone would truly see her and tell her that she matters and that everything really is going to be okay.
The girl I was back then had so many dreams and so many things she wanted to do with her life. She had so many expectations and somewhere inside she really believed that they would be met. At least she hoped so. And sitting here now writing this to you I can't help but feel that I've let her down in too many ways. The same kinds of ways that she let down the ten year old girl that came before her. And I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be 30 years old and still thinking that I've let my almost 23 year old self down. Because letting your friends down and letting your family down is one thing, but when you let yourself down, it just makes you feel so hopeless. And I've felt hopeless and helpless for so many years and I hate it. Because I'm not either of those things. I am a perfectly capable human being, and I am the only real thing standing between what I have and what I really want. I am the only thing standing between who I am and who that 17 year old girl hoped I would be. And I don't want to let her down anymore. I don't want to always be playing this constant game of catch up. It's exhausting and it's unnecessary and it's impossible. Everyone grows and changes at their own pace. Everyone does things at their own pace. And everyone gets to where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to get there. At least that's what I'd like to believe. So even though I may not be where my peers, or even my friends are in life, I'm still here, and I'm going at my own pace, and I'm learning that that's okay.
There is a tree that lives outside my window that is only just now changing from green to red. Every autumn it is always the last tree to change color and lose its leaves, and every morning I wake up to see how much it has changed overnight. And though the change is slow and sometimes hard to notice, the tree is changing, one leaf at a time. And much like the tree outside my window, I am slow to change and I'm bad at letting go. But everyday this tree shows me that even though change may come slower for me than for those around me, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me. And it doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. And it doesn't mean that I need to play catch up. And even though sometimes change can seem scary, I'm learning that it can also be good and necessary. And sometimes, if you're lucky, it can even be beautiful.
I remember being asked to write a poem my Junior year of high school for my English class, and I remember to this day that my poem was all about trying to keep up with everyone around me. Trying to figure out how to make the same transition from being a kid to a semi-adult that everyone else seemed to be making. And I also remember that the poem made my mother cry, but that isn't really saying much. My mother cries at everything I write. Still, that one poem has stuck with me for a long time, and in a lot of ways I feel as if I'm still living it today. Still barely keeping up. Still feeling out of place or left behind. Still wishing that I could somehow develop the same gene that everyone around me seems to have that allows them to grow up and move out and start acting like an adult. Not that I'm particularly looking forward to acting like an adult, but it feels like it should be time. I'm almost 23 years old and yet most days, at least on the inside, I still feel like that same terrified, starry-eyed 17 year old girl who only wants to spend time with her family, read books about beautiful boys and brave girls, and laugh with her friends. Who wants to believe in magic and soulmates and dreams that actually come true. Who just wishes that someone would truly see her and tell her that she matters and that everything really is going to be okay.
The girl I was back then had so many dreams and so many things she wanted to do with her life. She had so many expectations and somewhere inside she really believed that they would be met. At least she hoped so. And sitting here now writing this to you I can't help but feel that I've let her down in too many ways. The same kinds of ways that she let down the ten year old girl that came before her. And I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be 30 years old and still thinking that I've let my almost 23 year old self down. Because letting your friends down and letting your family down is one thing, but when you let yourself down, it just makes you feel so hopeless. And I've felt hopeless and helpless for so many years and I hate it. Because I'm not either of those things. I am a perfectly capable human being, and I am the only real thing standing between what I have and what I really want. I am the only thing standing between who I am and who that 17 year old girl hoped I would be. And I don't want to let her down anymore. I don't want to always be playing this constant game of catch up. It's exhausting and it's unnecessary and it's impossible. Everyone grows and changes at their own pace. Everyone does things at their own pace. And everyone gets to where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to get there. At least that's what I'd like to believe. So even though I may not be where my peers, or even my friends are in life, I'm still here, and I'm going at my own pace, and I'm learning that that's okay.
There is a tree that lives outside my window that is only just now changing from green to red. Every autumn it is always the last tree to change color and lose its leaves, and every morning I wake up to see how much it has changed overnight. And though the change is slow and sometimes hard to notice, the tree is changing, one leaf at a time. And much like the tree outside my window, I am slow to change and I'm bad at letting go. But everyday this tree shows me that even though change may come slower for me than for those around me, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me. And it doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. And it doesn't mean that I need to play catch up. And even though sometimes change can seem scary, I'm learning that it can also be good and necessary. And sometimes, if you're lucky, it can even be beautiful.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Monday, October 5, 2015
Music Monday (4)
Music Monday -- Early Autumn Addition
There's a certain kind of sound I like to hear in the early autumn when the weather starts to get crisp and the leaves begin to change colors. It's a different sound than the one I prefer in the summer; it's much softer and understated, but powerful and raw at the same time. Up until now this time of year, early autumn, has always been one of nervous excitement and possibility for me, because it marked the start of a new school year and new experiences. Now that I've graduated I've been afraid that it would lack some of the excitement it used to, but listening to these artists that I've listed below, I feel some of that old excitement creeping back in. Hopefully they can do the same for you as well.
1. Ben Howard
Ah, Ben Howard. He's like the singer-songwriter of singer-songwriters for this generation. His melodies have the ability to both raise you up and comfort you at the same time. His lyrics are interesting and beautiful. His voice is powerful and yet soft, and it's a voice that I love to listen to all year long, but especially in the fall. There's just something about his raspy, wispy sound that makes me think of falling leaves and big sweaters and warm cups of tea. So if you haven't heard of Ben Howard by now, though I hope you have, I suggest you give him a listen and see for yourself. I recommend starting with his song "Promise," not only because it's my favorite, but because it begins with the sound of rain, and any song that involves rain is a song that I want in my life.
Favorite Songs: Promise - Keep Your Head Up - Only Love - Old Pine - I Forget Where We Were
2. Kacey Musgraves
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the biggest fan of country music. I grew up listening to it because that's what my parents listened to, but sometime around middle school I started branching off into other genres and let's just say I haven't looked back. And apart from a few older country songs that I like because they remind me of my childhood, I've kind of made it a rule to avoid country music if I can. Kacey Musgraves is the exception to this rule. Though still fairly new to fame, Kacey has got a sound that I don't think has been heard in country music for a long time. Her songs aren't about tractors or beer or trucks, they're about people, real people who you could know, or be, and I think that's why I've come to like her music so much. It sounds both old and new at the same time and she's singing and writing about things that a lot of other country artists today wouldn't, and I think that's what makes her such a great musician. She's not afraid to be a little edgy and different and in a genre that has stayed fairly consistent for the past ten or twenty years. She's changing the game and she's doing it with spunk and style. And it's because of this that I think her music, and her new album, will be a great addition to my autumn playlist, or any playlist for that matter.
Favorite Songs: It Is What It Is - Follow Your Arrow - Merry Go 'Round - Late To The Party - Somebody To Love - Family Is Family - Fine
3. Nathaniel Rateliff
I only recently discovered Nathaniel Rateliff, all thanks to a documentary called Austin to Boston, (It's an amazing film and it's on Netflix and you should seriously just go watch it right now. Go ahead. I'll wait.) which also happens to include the likes of Ben Howard himself, along with Bear's Den, The Staves, and a few other musicians you might recognize. Whilst watching this film I was not only introduced to Nathaniel Rateliff and his music, but I learned that he's actually from Missouri and grew up here which I think is pretty cool. It's always nice to find bands and artists that you really like and then learn that they came from the same place you did, or at least somewhere similar. It gives me hope that there really is more out there if you work hard and want something enough, even for a girl from a small town in Missouri. But his being from Missouri is not what has kept me listening to Nathaniel even after I finished the film. It's his music and his voice and the power and emotion he puts behind his lyrics. You can hear everything he's feeling when he sings and this is something that not all artists are able to do, and very few are able to do it well, but Nathaniel does it with every word. And it's because of his unique voice and his raw sound that I think he's the perfect addition to the sights and sounds of early autumn.
Favorite Songs: Still Trying - I Am - How to Win - Don't Get Too Close - Nothing to Show For
There's a certain kind of sound I like to hear in the early autumn when the weather starts to get crisp and the leaves begin to change colors. It's a different sound than the one I prefer in the summer; it's much softer and understated, but powerful and raw at the same time. Up until now this time of year, early autumn, has always been one of nervous excitement and possibility for me, because it marked the start of a new school year and new experiences. Now that I've graduated I've been afraid that it would lack some of the excitement it used to, but listening to these artists that I've listed below, I feel some of that old excitement creeping back in. Hopefully they can do the same for you as well.
1. Ben Howard
Ah, Ben Howard. He's like the singer-songwriter of singer-songwriters for this generation. His melodies have the ability to both raise you up and comfort you at the same time. His lyrics are interesting and beautiful. His voice is powerful and yet soft, and it's a voice that I love to listen to all year long, but especially in the fall. There's just something about his raspy, wispy sound that makes me think of falling leaves and big sweaters and warm cups of tea. So if you haven't heard of Ben Howard by now, though I hope you have, I suggest you give him a listen and see for yourself. I recommend starting with his song "Promise," not only because it's my favorite, but because it begins with the sound of rain, and any song that involves rain is a song that I want in my life.
Favorite Songs: Promise - Keep Your Head Up - Only Love - Old Pine - I Forget Where We Were
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the biggest fan of country music. I grew up listening to it because that's what my parents listened to, but sometime around middle school I started branching off into other genres and let's just say I haven't looked back. And apart from a few older country songs that I like because they remind me of my childhood, I've kind of made it a rule to avoid country music if I can. Kacey Musgraves is the exception to this rule. Though still fairly new to fame, Kacey has got a sound that I don't think has been heard in country music for a long time. Her songs aren't about tractors or beer or trucks, they're about people, real people who you could know, or be, and I think that's why I've come to like her music so much. It sounds both old and new at the same time and she's singing and writing about things that a lot of other country artists today wouldn't, and I think that's what makes her such a great musician. She's not afraid to be a little edgy and different and in a genre that has stayed fairly consistent for the past ten or twenty years. She's changing the game and she's doing it with spunk and style. And it's because of this that I think her music, and her new album, will be a great addition to my autumn playlist, or any playlist for that matter.
Favorite Songs: It Is What It Is - Follow Your Arrow - Merry Go 'Round - Late To The Party - Somebody To Love - Family Is Family - Fine
3. Nathaniel Rateliff
I only recently discovered Nathaniel Rateliff, all thanks to a documentary called Austin to Boston, (It's an amazing film and it's on Netflix and you should seriously just go watch it right now. Go ahead. I'll wait.) which also happens to include the likes of Ben Howard himself, along with Bear's Den, The Staves, and a few other musicians you might recognize. Whilst watching this film I was not only introduced to Nathaniel Rateliff and his music, but I learned that he's actually from Missouri and grew up here which I think is pretty cool. It's always nice to find bands and artists that you really like and then learn that they came from the same place you did, or at least somewhere similar. It gives me hope that there really is more out there if you work hard and want something enough, even for a girl from a small town in Missouri. But his being from Missouri is not what has kept me listening to Nathaniel even after I finished the film. It's his music and his voice and the power and emotion he puts behind his lyrics. You can hear everything he's feeling when he sings and this is something that not all artists are able to do, and very few are able to do it well, but Nathaniel does it with every word. And it's because of his unique voice and his raw sound that I think he's the perfect addition to the sights and sounds of early autumn.
Favorite Songs: Still Trying - I Am - How to Win - Don't Get Too Close - Nothing to Show For
4. Lily Kershaw
I first discovered Lily Kershaw after her song "As It Seems" was featured on the season 7 finale of Criminal Minds, which is one of my favorite shows. After I heard this song I immediately had to look it up so I could find out who the artist was and if she had anymore music I could listen to. At the time she hadn't yet released many songs, but then her song "Ashes Like Snow" was featured on the season 8 finale, and her song "Maybe" was featured in the season 9 finale, and this made me an even bigger fan of her music. Luckily now she has released an album and though I listen to her music all different times of the year, I find myself listening to it in the fall more so than any other season. There's just something comforting about it that matches well with cooler weather and leaves crunching under boots. Her music is a great complement to any playlist, but especially a playlist dedicated to that special time between September and November.
Favorite Songs: As It Seems - Ashes Like Snow - Maybe - Good Girl - Marlboro Man - Sleep Peacefully
5. Kodaline
Oh, Kodaline. What can I say about Kodaline other than they've recently become one of my most favorite bands and there are a few of their songs that feel as if they were written just for me. I first discovered this Irish rock band when their song, "All I Want," was included on the soundtrack for The Fault In Our Stars, and I've been in love ever since. Their songs are so beautifully written and sung with such care that it feels as if they're playing just for you. I've been listening to them consistently since I first discovered them, but I figured that the best time to introduce you to them was in early autumn. They just seem to fit in well with cool breezes and colorful leaves and bonfires, and that excited feeling I get in my stomach when a new season is beginning and the weather is beginning to change, but really I could listen to them anytime and feel a connection. They're just that good. Listening to their music I feel both light and heavy at the same time and this is a feeling that only a few special bands are able to give me. Their song "One Day" hits home especially for me and it's because of how much I love their music that I want more of you to know about them. So here you go. I hope you like them as much as I do, though I'm not sure that's possible at this point.
Favorite Songs: One Day - All I Want - Love Like This - The One - High Hopes -What It Is - Ready - After the Fall
Happy Listening, Friends. And Happy Early Autumn. Here's to making the most of it.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Sunday, October 4, 2015
(Un)Healthy
For all intents and purposes, I am physically a perfectly healthy 22 year old woman. When people look at me they see a living, breathing person, who could maybe use a little more sleep, but who seems to be just fine otherwise. But it's what they don't see, what they can't see, that is slowly, but truly, tearing me apart. Or at least it feels that way.
As some of you may know if you've been reading this blog at all for the last two years, I have anxiety. And I'm not just talking the kind of nerves you get before giving a presentation to a bunch of people. I'm talking serious, crippling anxiety that sometimes, or most of the time, prevents me from leaving my own house. The thought of leaving my house to go somewhere alone, like say a cafe or the movies, or even the park, puts me on edge. It makes my heart beat faster and it makes me sweat which in turn only makes the anxiety worse. The thought of talking to strangers alone makes me want to vomit. The thought of going to a public place filled with lots and lots of people makes me jumpy. Even going to a party with my friends where I will know most of the people there makes me fidget. And it's been this way for as long as I can remember. And it's exhausting.
And yet I'm sure if you asked most of the people I know what they thought the problem with me was, they would all have very similar answers.
-Oh, she's just shy.
-She has a little anxiety, but she'll get past it.
-She's an introvert. She doesn't like small talk.
-She just needs a push. She just needs to put herself out there.
-She needs to suck it up and get over it.
And maybe some of you reading this right now would agree with them, and I'm not saying that I don't either. But what I am saying is that it's just not that simple. And it's not their fault that they don't get this, because it's not as if I go around explaining things to them. Or even to myself. All I know is that whatever the hell is going on with me is not something that can be fixed by just "getting over it." And this, dear readers, is where the problem lies. Because despite how much it may feel like it at times, I am not alone in this. Millions of people all over the country, all over the world, are going through the same kind of battles with their minds. Whether their battle be with anxiety, or depression, or any one of the countless other mental disorders and diseases out there, we are all going through it. Or we know someone going through it. And yet no one is saying anything about it. And this needs to stop.
There are people we all know, people we love who we see every single day, who are suffering. And no one can see it. This is what happens when the world and society puts physical health above mental health on the scale of importance. This is what happens when we only pay attention to what we can see, instead of what we can't. This is what happens when no speaks up. So I guess you could say that this little post right here is me speaking up, in my own little way, about how I'm feeling and why something needs to change. And though of course I know that physical health is so incredibly important, I think that mental health deserves to be seen as just as important in order for a person to live a happy and healthy life. And though I am in no way an expert on this subject, it has affected my life, and the lives of those around me, in a way that I think makes it something I can talk about. And it needs to be talked about. So I'm doing that in the best way I know how, by writing it all down.
Now, if you've been paying attention to pop culture or the media recently you will have seen that things are slowly, but steadily getting better. There are movies and television shows that have portrayed mental health in a much better, more important light than we've seen in years. Films like About Alex and Silver Linings Playbook have really pushed for people to see and understand that mental health is just as important as physical health, and this is good. But it's still not enough. Because even with these pushes there is still a stigma tied to mental health that tends to paint people with mental disorders or diseases as being weak, or lazy, or selfish. But this is just simply not the case. And I'm not saying that I'm not all three of the things I listed above, but from what I've seen of other people suffering with mental illness, I know that they are some of the strongest, hardest working, and most giving people I know. Because for a lot of them, even just choosing to get out of bed in the morning is an incredible step, and sometimes a difficult one, but every time they do it's a victory.
For me, especially lately, it's been hard to force myself to do much of anything. For the past few months I've just been floating around listlessly, watching other people live their lives from inside the comfort and safety of my room. I've just been sitting around, waiting for myself to one day suddenly just wake up and realize exactly what it is I need to do to get myself out from under whatever cloud this is. And yet every day I wake up feeling exactly the same. And I know this is no excuse, and I know that I am my own worst enemy, but what I also know is this is more than just being too comfortable or too lazy to step outside my front door. It's me, waking up every day just to spend all my time doing battle with my own mind, and then watching as my mind wins almost every time.
"You're safe here," it whispers to me. "No one can see you here. You can't embarrass yourself here. No one can judge you. No one can hurt you as long as you stay right here where it's safe, where everything is familiar and yours. Nothing will change as long as you keep a close watch over it."
And despite the fact that I know my mind is a dirty liar, and despite the fact that I know I don't really want to stay where I am, I do it anyway. I do it because it feels good. It feels bad too, but mostly it just feels good. It's like how I imagine some junkies must feel when they take the drug they're addicted to. They want it, but they know it's wrong, and they don't really want it, but they feel as if they need it. And then when they let themselves have it they feel bad, but they also feel very good, but the good begins to wear off quicker and quicker the more they take the drug, which in turn only makes them take more. This is what my anxiety has become to me; a drug that I never wanted to take, but one that I've grown addicted to, if only because it feels as if it's all I've ever known.
This past summer I was able to go around pretending that everything was okay. Almost everyone was free, everyone was home with me, and we went outside into the world almost every day. So I could tell myself, today you left the house, today you did something good. And even on the days I stayed home, that felt okay too because other people were home with me. But then August arrived and everyone left and I was alone. I didn't have a school to go to anymore and I was too anxious to find a job. Five days a week, at least eight hours a day, I was alone, and it was my own fault. And suddenly what I was doing didn't feel so okay anymore. My mind told me it was okay because most of the time it felt good, the solitude, but after awhile the silence of my every day began to mock me. And yet despite how much I began to hate the quiet, to hate the every day monotony of solitude, it still felt safer than stepping outside on my own. Because it was--because it is--comfortable, and I am a person who thrives off of comfortable. Even when I know it's bad for me, even when I want to get out and go, and explore, and discover, and make things happen, I fall back on comfortable. Because it's always there, because it's reliable, because it's safe. But I can't even explain to you, or to myself for that matter, how so very sick and tired I am of comfortable, and yet still I crave it. I am exhausted. I am exhausted with being comfortable and I am exhausted with wanting to get away from it. And most days this is my life.
And I'm sure at this point of this much too long post you must be thinking, who does this spoiled brat think she is? She sits here talking about how exhausted she is when she does nothing all day. When there are people out there working, living, and dying all over the world. And here I am complaining about how uncomfortable I am with being too comfortable. And for all of it I can only say that I am so very sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be where I am and with the people that I'm with. And I know how selfish, or ungrateful, or over dramatic I must seem writing this now, but I promise that's not my intention. And I'm sorry if it seems that way to you. All I wish is that I could do what seems so simple for everyone else in the world and just live. Because honestly, what I do every day can't really be described as living. It's more so just existing. Taking up space that I feel I have no right to. And for this I am also sorry, and I am so tired of feeling so sorry all of the time. But trust me when I say that whatever horrible things you may be thinking of me right this very moment, the things I am thinking about myself are much worse. I don't mean this in a morbid, messed up sort of way. But in more of a low self-esteem, incredibly guilty sort of way. And again here lies the problem with the way society treats people with mental disorders, and in turn the way we who have mental disorders treat ourselves. Because despite how terrified I am every day of what people think of me, none of them could ever think of me as badly as I think of myself. And this is so incredibly sad to me, because even if no one else in the entire world loved me, I should be able to love myself. Every single one of us should be able to love ourselves. No matter what we look like or who we are, we should be able to look into the mirror every single day and tell ourselves, whether out loud or in our heads, I love you. Because when it really all comes down to it, we've only got ourselves in the end. And this is something that has always scared the crap out of me, but I wish it didn't. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being all alone with myself, but I am. And maybe this is a "being in your twenties" thing, or maybe an anxiety thing, or maybe it's just a me thing, but I don't want it to be. I want to get to know me, and I want to love me, even with all my flaws and insecurities, because that's what love is, I think. It's loving someone, not despite their flaws or problems, but because of them.
But what's worse than this, worse than watching my lack of self-love affect me, is watching as it begins to affect the people I love the most. And being terrified that my anxiety or whatever this strange depression is, is beginning to rub off on the people closest to me. And as terrifying as it is to watch a seemingly invisible disease take over your own mind, it's a whole other thing entirely to see bits and pieces of it creep into the mind of someone you love and fear that it's all because of you. That maybe she feels a certain way about herself because you feel a certain way about yourself. That maybe you've called yourself ugly or fat or unworthy one too many times in front of her, and now when she looks in the mirror she thinks the same things, even though they could never be true. And no matter how many times you tell her that she has no reasons to feel this way, that she doesn't even understand her own greatness, you worry that she hears these words far less loudly than the ones you spit at yourself on a bad day. And as bad as it feels to watch yourself falling and feel unable to catch yourself before you hit the ground, it is so much worse to watch her tripping over the same bumps you did, and worry that no matter how far you reached out your arms to catch her, she'd wish for the ground instead. All because you showed her how. So you try to make a conscious effort to be better, not only for yourself, but for all of them. And you hope that these new efforts won't go wasted, and that you'll both be able to discover that the ground isn't a place you have to stay, but a place to push off from. A place where the only way to go is up, and all that's left to do is fly. Off to a place where looking in the mirror doesn't put you in a bad mood, and you're able to finally see the value in treating yourself with the same respect you try to give to everyone else.
Now, if you've made it this far, I salute you. I'm not even sure how I've made it this far into this post without turning back and erasing the whole thing, but here it is. And I'm sure it will freak a lot of people out, sorry family, and maybe even make some people angry, but that's okay. Because if even one person reads this and sees something of themselves in these words I've written, and it forces them to see that the path they've been going down is not the path they want to be on, and it pushes them to change course for something better, or it helps them keep going, then it will all be worth it. Because really I think that's why I started writing in the first place, to keep myself going. To push myself into choosing a different path than the one I've been allowing my mind to pull me down. To put all my jumbled thoughts onto virtual paper and take stock of exactly what it is I've been feeling these past few months, and years. But also I wrote all this down to help people who may not understand mental disorders, or who know someone who is suffering, to see that it's more complicated than you might think. And simply telling someone to "suck it up" only makes things worse. Because sometimes, no matter how much we may want to suck it up, or how badly we might want to get out of bed, our minds trick us into believing we can't. So we shrink into ourselves and we pull the covers over our heads and we stay in bed because it feels good and comfortable and safe. And that's why we need people who care, who understand how difficult seemingly simple things can be sometimes, and who are willing to be there, even when we tell you to go away. Because sometimes all it takes is a hand reaching out, or a gentle push, or a even a text message, to give us the strength we need to keep going.
Hopefully, within the next few years if not sooner, society will begin to treat mental health and well-being with the same seriousness and importance that it treats physical health. And hopefully the world will begin to understand that sometimes things are not quite as simple and black and white as they may seem. Because in reality, most of the world is made up of gray areas, and it's up to all of us to see the truth of them. And just because a person says they're okay, doesn't mean that they are. And just because someone might seem weak or lazy, it doesn't mean that they are. Because inside they may be fighting one of the most difficult battles with themselves, and you would never even know about it just by looking at them. So we have to start paying attention, all of us, myself included, to the people around us. We have to start holding ourselves accountable for our own mental health, and we have to start holding others accountable for theirs as well. We have to stop treating mental illness as some kind of taboo that should only be talked about within the confines of a psychiatrist's office. Just because something might be going on within our minds, that doesn't make it any less real than everything else in the world. And just because our pain might seem quieter or less important than other pain, that doesn't mean it is, and that doesn't mean it isn't real. We should be treating all types of pain, whether they are mental or physical, with the same respect and importance, because even if we can see one and not always see the other, that doesn't mean it isn't there. And it doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. All pain matters, whether we can see it or not, and as my favorite author once wrote, "pain demands to be felt." So we've got to feel it, all of us together, in order to find our way out of it and into something better. This is how we move forward, this is how we keep going. And so tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will keep getting out of bed every day after, until I find my something better that makes getting out of bed seem easy. And I hope so much that you will too.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
As some of you may know if you've been reading this blog at all for the last two years, I have anxiety. And I'm not just talking the kind of nerves you get before giving a presentation to a bunch of people. I'm talking serious, crippling anxiety that sometimes, or most of the time, prevents me from leaving my own house. The thought of leaving my house to go somewhere alone, like say a cafe or the movies, or even the park, puts me on edge. It makes my heart beat faster and it makes me sweat which in turn only makes the anxiety worse. The thought of talking to strangers alone makes me want to vomit. The thought of going to a public place filled with lots and lots of people makes me jumpy. Even going to a party with my friends where I will know most of the people there makes me fidget. And it's been this way for as long as I can remember. And it's exhausting.
And yet I'm sure if you asked most of the people I know what they thought the problem with me was, they would all have very similar answers.
-Oh, she's just shy.
-She has a little anxiety, but she'll get past it.
-She's an introvert. She doesn't like small talk.
-She just needs a push. She just needs to put herself out there.
-She needs to suck it up and get over it.
And maybe some of you reading this right now would agree with them, and I'm not saying that I don't either. But what I am saying is that it's just not that simple. And it's not their fault that they don't get this, because it's not as if I go around explaining things to them. Or even to myself. All I know is that whatever the hell is going on with me is not something that can be fixed by just "getting over it." And this, dear readers, is where the problem lies. Because despite how much it may feel like it at times, I am not alone in this. Millions of people all over the country, all over the world, are going through the same kind of battles with their minds. Whether their battle be with anxiety, or depression, or any one of the countless other mental disorders and diseases out there, we are all going through it. Or we know someone going through it. And yet no one is saying anything about it. And this needs to stop.
There are people we all know, people we love who we see every single day, who are suffering. And no one can see it. This is what happens when the world and society puts physical health above mental health on the scale of importance. This is what happens when we only pay attention to what we can see, instead of what we can't. This is what happens when no speaks up. So I guess you could say that this little post right here is me speaking up, in my own little way, about how I'm feeling and why something needs to change. And though of course I know that physical health is so incredibly important, I think that mental health deserves to be seen as just as important in order for a person to live a happy and healthy life. And though I am in no way an expert on this subject, it has affected my life, and the lives of those around me, in a way that I think makes it something I can talk about. And it needs to be talked about. So I'm doing that in the best way I know how, by writing it all down.
Now, if you've been paying attention to pop culture or the media recently you will have seen that things are slowly, but steadily getting better. There are movies and television shows that have portrayed mental health in a much better, more important light than we've seen in years. Films like About Alex and Silver Linings Playbook have really pushed for people to see and understand that mental health is just as important as physical health, and this is good. But it's still not enough. Because even with these pushes there is still a stigma tied to mental health that tends to paint people with mental disorders or diseases as being weak, or lazy, or selfish. But this is just simply not the case. And I'm not saying that I'm not all three of the things I listed above, but from what I've seen of other people suffering with mental illness, I know that they are some of the strongest, hardest working, and most giving people I know. Because for a lot of them, even just choosing to get out of bed in the morning is an incredible step, and sometimes a difficult one, but every time they do it's a victory.
For me, especially lately, it's been hard to force myself to do much of anything. For the past few months I've just been floating around listlessly, watching other people live their lives from inside the comfort and safety of my room. I've just been sitting around, waiting for myself to one day suddenly just wake up and realize exactly what it is I need to do to get myself out from under whatever cloud this is. And yet every day I wake up feeling exactly the same. And I know this is no excuse, and I know that I am my own worst enemy, but what I also know is this is more than just being too comfortable or too lazy to step outside my front door. It's me, waking up every day just to spend all my time doing battle with my own mind, and then watching as my mind wins almost every time.
"You're safe here," it whispers to me. "No one can see you here. You can't embarrass yourself here. No one can judge you. No one can hurt you as long as you stay right here where it's safe, where everything is familiar and yours. Nothing will change as long as you keep a close watch over it."
And despite the fact that I know my mind is a dirty liar, and despite the fact that I know I don't really want to stay where I am, I do it anyway. I do it because it feels good. It feels bad too, but mostly it just feels good. It's like how I imagine some junkies must feel when they take the drug they're addicted to. They want it, but they know it's wrong, and they don't really want it, but they feel as if they need it. And then when they let themselves have it they feel bad, but they also feel very good, but the good begins to wear off quicker and quicker the more they take the drug, which in turn only makes them take more. This is what my anxiety has become to me; a drug that I never wanted to take, but one that I've grown addicted to, if only because it feels as if it's all I've ever known.
This past summer I was able to go around pretending that everything was okay. Almost everyone was free, everyone was home with me, and we went outside into the world almost every day. So I could tell myself, today you left the house, today you did something good. And even on the days I stayed home, that felt okay too because other people were home with me. But then August arrived and everyone left and I was alone. I didn't have a school to go to anymore and I was too anxious to find a job. Five days a week, at least eight hours a day, I was alone, and it was my own fault. And suddenly what I was doing didn't feel so okay anymore. My mind told me it was okay because most of the time it felt good, the solitude, but after awhile the silence of my every day began to mock me. And yet despite how much I began to hate the quiet, to hate the every day monotony of solitude, it still felt safer than stepping outside on my own. Because it was--because it is--comfortable, and I am a person who thrives off of comfortable. Even when I know it's bad for me, even when I want to get out and go, and explore, and discover, and make things happen, I fall back on comfortable. Because it's always there, because it's reliable, because it's safe. But I can't even explain to you, or to myself for that matter, how so very sick and tired I am of comfortable, and yet still I crave it. I am exhausted. I am exhausted with being comfortable and I am exhausted with wanting to get away from it. And most days this is my life.
And I'm sure at this point of this much too long post you must be thinking, who does this spoiled brat think she is? She sits here talking about how exhausted she is when she does nothing all day. When there are people out there working, living, and dying all over the world. And here I am complaining about how uncomfortable I am with being too comfortable. And for all of it I can only say that I am so very sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be where I am and with the people that I'm with. And I know how selfish, or ungrateful, or over dramatic I must seem writing this now, but I promise that's not my intention. And I'm sorry if it seems that way to you. All I wish is that I could do what seems so simple for everyone else in the world and just live. Because honestly, what I do every day can't really be described as living. It's more so just existing. Taking up space that I feel I have no right to. And for this I am also sorry, and I am so tired of feeling so sorry all of the time. But trust me when I say that whatever horrible things you may be thinking of me right this very moment, the things I am thinking about myself are much worse. I don't mean this in a morbid, messed up sort of way. But in more of a low self-esteem, incredibly guilty sort of way. And again here lies the problem with the way society treats people with mental disorders, and in turn the way we who have mental disorders treat ourselves. Because despite how terrified I am every day of what people think of me, none of them could ever think of me as badly as I think of myself. And this is so incredibly sad to me, because even if no one else in the entire world loved me, I should be able to love myself. Every single one of us should be able to love ourselves. No matter what we look like or who we are, we should be able to look into the mirror every single day and tell ourselves, whether out loud or in our heads, I love you. Because when it really all comes down to it, we've only got ourselves in the end. And this is something that has always scared the crap out of me, but I wish it didn't. I wish I wasn't so afraid of being all alone with myself, but I am. And maybe this is a "being in your twenties" thing, or maybe an anxiety thing, or maybe it's just a me thing, but I don't want it to be. I want to get to know me, and I want to love me, even with all my flaws and insecurities, because that's what love is, I think. It's loving someone, not despite their flaws or problems, but because of them.
But what's worse than this, worse than watching my lack of self-love affect me, is watching as it begins to affect the people I love the most. And being terrified that my anxiety or whatever this strange depression is, is beginning to rub off on the people closest to me. And as terrifying as it is to watch a seemingly invisible disease take over your own mind, it's a whole other thing entirely to see bits and pieces of it creep into the mind of someone you love and fear that it's all because of you. That maybe she feels a certain way about herself because you feel a certain way about yourself. That maybe you've called yourself ugly or fat or unworthy one too many times in front of her, and now when she looks in the mirror she thinks the same things, even though they could never be true. And no matter how many times you tell her that she has no reasons to feel this way, that she doesn't even understand her own greatness, you worry that she hears these words far less loudly than the ones you spit at yourself on a bad day. And as bad as it feels to watch yourself falling and feel unable to catch yourself before you hit the ground, it is so much worse to watch her tripping over the same bumps you did, and worry that no matter how far you reached out your arms to catch her, she'd wish for the ground instead. All because you showed her how. So you try to make a conscious effort to be better, not only for yourself, but for all of them. And you hope that these new efforts won't go wasted, and that you'll both be able to discover that the ground isn't a place you have to stay, but a place to push off from. A place where the only way to go is up, and all that's left to do is fly. Off to a place where looking in the mirror doesn't put you in a bad mood, and you're able to finally see the value in treating yourself with the same respect you try to give to everyone else.
Now, if you've made it this far, I salute you. I'm not even sure how I've made it this far into this post without turning back and erasing the whole thing, but here it is. And I'm sure it will freak a lot of people out, sorry family, and maybe even make some people angry, but that's okay. Because if even one person reads this and sees something of themselves in these words I've written, and it forces them to see that the path they've been going down is not the path they want to be on, and it pushes them to change course for something better, or it helps them keep going, then it will all be worth it. Because really I think that's why I started writing in the first place, to keep myself going. To push myself into choosing a different path than the one I've been allowing my mind to pull me down. To put all my jumbled thoughts onto virtual paper and take stock of exactly what it is I've been feeling these past few months, and years. But also I wrote all this down to help people who may not understand mental disorders, or who know someone who is suffering, to see that it's more complicated than you might think. And simply telling someone to "suck it up" only makes things worse. Because sometimes, no matter how much we may want to suck it up, or how badly we might want to get out of bed, our minds trick us into believing we can't. So we shrink into ourselves and we pull the covers over our heads and we stay in bed because it feels good and comfortable and safe. And that's why we need people who care, who understand how difficult seemingly simple things can be sometimes, and who are willing to be there, even when we tell you to go away. Because sometimes all it takes is a hand reaching out, or a gentle push, or a even a text message, to give us the strength we need to keep going.
Hopefully, within the next few years if not sooner, society will begin to treat mental health and well-being with the same seriousness and importance that it treats physical health. And hopefully the world will begin to understand that sometimes things are not quite as simple and black and white as they may seem. Because in reality, most of the world is made up of gray areas, and it's up to all of us to see the truth of them. And just because a person says they're okay, doesn't mean that they are. And just because someone might seem weak or lazy, it doesn't mean that they are. Because inside they may be fighting one of the most difficult battles with themselves, and you would never even know about it just by looking at them. So we have to start paying attention, all of us, myself included, to the people around us. We have to start holding ourselves accountable for our own mental health, and we have to start holding others accountable for theirs as well. We have to stop treating mental illness as some kind of taboo that should only be talked about within the confines of a psychiatrist's office. Just because something might be going on within our minds, that doesn't make it any less real than everything else in the world. And just because our pain might seem quieter or less important than other pain, that doesn't mean it is, and that doesn't mean it isn't real. We should be treating all types of pain, whether they are mental or physical, with the same respect and importance, because even if we can see one and not always see the other, that doesn't mean it isn't there. And it doesn't mean that it doesn't matter. All pain matters, whether we can see it or not, and as my favorite author once wrote, "pain demands to be felt." So we've got to feel it, all of us together, in order to find our way out of it and into something better. This is how we move forward, this is how we keep going. And so tomorrow I will get out of bed, and I will keep getting out of bed every day after, until I find my something better that makes getting out of bed seem easy. And I hope so much that you will too.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Sunday, September 20, 2015
First Music Festival Experience | LouFest
If you know me at all, you know that there are only a few things in this life that I love more than music, so last weekend when I finally got the chance to attend my first ever music festival, you could say I was pretty freaking excited. Experiencing a music festival first hand is something I've been dreaming of for so many years, so of course now that it's finally happened I just had to write about. I went to LouFest, which is a music festival in St. Louis, MO that's held in Forest Park. And though my hopes were incredibly high to begin with and I was prepared for high anxiety, the weekend turned out to be amazing, and one I will never forget. Of course, now that I've been to one music festival, I want to go to them all. But for now, I'll just settle with reliving LouFest by telling you all about it here.
via loufest.com
So as you can see from the above photo, the lineup for the weekend was pretty freaking amazing, with big names like The Avett Brothers and Hozier being the headliners, and other favorites like Ludacris, Young The Giant, Nate Ruess of Fun., and Brandon Flowers of The Killers bringing even more excitement. But there were also new bands that I had only recently discovered, such as Misterwives and Lord Huron, and even bands that I'd never heard of at all until the festival, like Colony House and Knox Hamilton. And yet throughout the weekend there wasn't a single show that I went to that I didn't like. Every band and artist brought so much fun and energy to their set and by the time it was all over I'd gained a new found love for some of my favorites, and discovered so many new bands to love that at this point I've lost count.
Even just getting to the festival was a new and exciting experience for me, since instead of driving into the park we decided to take the MetroLink (STL public transport) to avoid traffic. I had been nervous that it would be difficult to figure out and that we'd end up getting lost, but it was so easy and simple. We rode the metro all the way into the city and then took a shuttle into the park and I'm so glad we did. On the way back it got pretty crowded, seeing as almost everyone had the same idea that we did, but all in all it was a fun way to travel and I look forward to doing it again.
Once we arrived, the atmosphere of the festival was fun and exciting and the weather that weekend was perfect, being in the low to mid 70s for both Saturday and Sunday. The festival grounds were well spaced out with each stage having plenty of room for people to gather around and dance if they wanted to. Before arriving I had been worried that it would be difficult to see the bands perform with how many people there were, but I was pleasantly surprised with how easy it was to see and hear the bands no matter how far back we stood. There were even a few times where we decided to sit and rest during a certain set, and even then we could hear the music perfectly.
There was also a wide variety food and drinks at the festival, with all different kinds of choices, as well as vegetarian and vegan options. Basically whatever you were in the mood for, the festival probably had it. But since I was so focused on the music and who's set was up next, I found that I barely remembered to eat at all for most of the weekend, and didn't really realize I was hungry until I got home each night.
During the festival I tried not to take too many photos or videos, since I've been working more on experiencing a moment rather than constantly trying to capture it in a photo or video. But seeing as this was my first ever festival, I did take a few photos and videos, and so did my friends, to document the event and keep as memories for later. Here are a few below.
Just arrived at the festival. Ready to rock out.
From left to right: Me, Sarah, Brandon, and Madeline. The Festival Crew.
Sun going down on Saturday.
For this photo we were told to get nasty. This is what we came up with...
Saturday Night. Listening to Hozier perform. He's even better live than he is on his album. Amazing.
Resting our feet before we head over to the next set.
Friends since kindergarten and now festival first timers.
Sunday Night. Listening to The Avett Brothers perform. If you've never had the pleasure of hearing them play "I And Love And You" live, you are seriously missing out. It's absolute perfection.
One last group selfie courtesy of Sarah. So glad I got to experience my first festival with these three. Can't wait to do it all again, and hopefully soon.
All in all, LouFest was everything I hoped it would be and more. I danced and sang my butt off. I laughed with old friends and made a new friend. I got to hear some amazing live music, the stuff of my dreams. I saw about a thousand man buns. And I made so many memories that I know I will never forget. And despite the fact that by the end of the weekend I had basically lost my voice from singing, and my feet and legs hurt more than they ever had in my entire life, I don't regret one single second of any of it. Because at each set, as soon as I heard the music, I forgot all about how tired I was and how much my feet hurt and I just danced and sang along with everyone else and had the time of my life.
That's one of the things I love most about live music, and music in general, I think. The power that it has to help connect people to one another, even people you've never met in your entire life, and make you feel like you're a part of something. Even just for two days, or for an hour, or for a single song. For me, I always find connecting with people on a real tangible level to be kind of difficult. I often find myself feeling as if I'm on the outside of things looking in, rather than being right there in the middle of it all. But when I listen to music, and especially when I go to shows and experience live music, I feel like I'm finally a part of something real. I'm able to kind of step outside of myself for a moment and take it all in and be in the moment as it's happening. And so that's what LouFest was for me. A sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious effort to step outside of myself and live each moment as it's happening along with everyone else around me. To forget about everything that might be bothering me and forget about whether or not I'm embarrassing myself, and just sing at the top of my lungs along with hundreds of other people to a song that we all know and love. That's the kind of experience I live for and the kind I know I'll never forget. So if you've never been to a music festival, or even just a live performance of a band that you love, I suggest you put it on your to-do list. For me, there's nothing quite like it in the world.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
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