24

24 Things I've Learned Upon Turning 24

1. Last year when making this list I said something along the lines of, "it's okay if you haven't figured out who you are yet." And it is. But this year I've learned that who I am changes all the time. And it's going to keep changing for the rest of my life. And that's okay. And maybe it's terrifying, but it's also necessary.

2. I spend a lot of time wishing for yesterday or being terrified of tomorrow, when what I should really be doing is living for today.

3. "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

4. Turns out paying someone to listen to you talk about yourself for an hour every two weeks can really make you feel just a little bit better about life.

5. Strapless bras are actually really great when they fit and drastic haircuts can do wonders for the self-esteem.

6. Don't bother making an effort for people who never bother making one for you. It's a waste of your time and theirs.

7. Medication isn't right for everybody, but it doesn't hurt to try. And sometimes it really can help.

8. I've spent a lot of time the latter half of this year being mad at the world for one reason or another, and sometimes this anger is a good thing, but only if I use it to push me forward instead of allowing it to hold me back. Other times the anger can end up only hurting me instead of helping me. When this happens it's time to find an outlet and let it go.

9. So podcasts are great.

10. Turns out I have control issues. Everything makes so much more sense now, but the older I get, the less fucks I give. I'd like to believe that's progress.

11. This year I set out to read 23 books. I ended up reading a total of 71 instead. Next year I'm aiming for 100. Turns out having fun truly isn't hard when you've got a library card.

12. Sometimes crazy shit happens that makes you question everything you thought you knew and all you can do is try to rise above. Remember that love will always trump hate.

13.Asking for help is only part of it. Accepting help is the other.

14. Don't let the decisions of others affect how you live your own life. Don't let the judgments of others affect how you see yourself.  

15. Never feel guilty for saying no.

16. Bookstagram is a beautiful place full of beautiful, book-loving people.

17. The things and people that make your heart rise up inside your chest with happiness, those are the things and people you should always surround yourself with. 

18. Love your sisters and love yourself.

19. There is so much more to me than anxiety might have me believe.

20. Stand up for people. If you see something you know is wrong, say something. And don't forget to stand up for yourself too.

21. "Stay sexy. Don't get murdered." If you know where this is from, you're my kinda person.

22. Take care of your skin. Don't forget to moisturize. Never over pluck your eyebrows.

23. One of the best things to come out of this year is how deeply I fell back in love with reading. It feels like I've come home.

24. Sometimes the biggest thing standing in your way is you, and life is all about learning to overcome the things you can't change and changing the things you can. Don't be your own worst enemy. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Speak to yourself the way you would someone you love. Give yourself a break every once in a while, but hold yourself accountable. This is your life and you're the only one who gets to decide how you live it. Choose to live it well.

The Sea

THE SEA

"THE SEA! the sea! the open sea! 
The blue, the fresh, the ever free! 
Without a mark, without a bound, 
It runneth the earth’s wide regions round; 
It plays with the clouds; it mocks the skies; 
Or like a cradled creature lies. 

I’m on the sea! I’m on the sea! 
I am where I would ever be; 
With the blue above, and the blue below, 
And silence wheresoe’er I go; 
If a storm should come and awake the deep, 
What matter? I shall ride and sleep. 

I love, O, how I love to ride 
On the fierce, foaming, bursting tide, 
When every mad wave drowns the moon 
Or whistles aloft his tempest tune, 
And tells how goeth the world below, 
And why the sou’west blasts do blow. 

I never was on the dull, tame shore, 
But I lov’d the great sea more and more,
And backwards flew to her billowy breast, 
Like a bird that seeketh its mother’s nest; 
And a mother she was, and is, to me; 
For I was born on the open sea! 
The waves were white, and red the morn,

In the noisy hour when I was born; 
And the whale it whistled, the porpoise roll’d, 
And the dolphins bared their backs of gold; 
And never was heard such an outcry wild 
As welcom’d to life the ocean-child!

I’ve liv’d since then, in calm and strife, 
Full fifty summers, a sailor’s life, 
With wealth to spend and a power to range, 
But never have sought nor sighed for change; 
And Death, whenever he comes to me,
Shall come on the wild, unbounded sea!" 

--Bryan Procter (Barry Cornwall)

words written by someone else

Lately, I'm finding it easier to rely on the words of other (better) writers to explain what I'm feeling rather than trying to make sense of it all myself. These are some of those words written by one of those writers.

***

“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.” 
― Ryan O'Connell

***

I don't know. These words just speak to me, especially lately. It's always nice when you find words written by someone else that remind you of yourself. It makes me feel so much less alone. Honestly, I think if we talked about how we feel more openly with one another then maybe we'd all realize just how similar and un-alone we truly are. I'd like to believe that anyway.

heroes and heroines

Sooner or later you've got to stop being satisfied with simply reading about heroes and heroines; you've got to become your own. The only person who can ever truly save you from yourself is you. But you've got to want to be saved. No more relishing your own familiar sadness. It isn't cute, it's crippling. It's time to stop standing in your own way. It's time to start working toward becoming the woman the little girl you once were always dreamed you could be. Don't let her down.

Interesting

I'm beginning to realize that I've spent far too much time and energy wishing to be pretty, and not nearly enough time going out and doing things to make myself more interesting. And I'd like to be interesting. Not just to other people. But to myself. Pretty fades eventually. Interesting is with you till the end. At least that's what I'd like to believe.

Drafts

Sorry I haven't written here for awhile. I keep writing posts in a delirious haze and then I end up reading over them and deciding not to publish them or to wait. The doubt creeps in and then everything just seems to remain in my drafts folder, never getting posted until it seems like it's not worth posting at all, or the moment has passed. I am trying to do better. I am trying. One of these days I'll write something worth publishing. Something that makes some kind of sense. And I won't think, I'll just hit publish. One of these days...but not quite yet. 

Until then,
Love & Chaos,
Sam