New Year, New Sam

With the new year almost upon us I've been thinking a lot lately about what has happened in 2013. The different ways that I and people around me have grown, and the ways we haven't. The things I've improved upon, and the parts of me that still need work. It's been a busy year.

This year a new baby was born into our family. We love her so. This year we also lost people. I lost my Ginger. I still miss her everyday. This year we went on a family trip to the Smoky Mountains, the first family trip with most of us together in a very long time. I'm hoping we can do it again in 2014 and the coming years. This year I became closer to some people, and farther from others. I'm hoping 2014 can bring some of them close again. This year I took my first official Creative Writing Fiction class and, by some miracle, I got an A. It feels good. I've learned so much about writing this year and even when I thought the class would be the death of me, it was still making me into a better writer. It has made me into a better writer and I will carry the lessons I've learned from that class with me for life. It also taught me that I still have a long way to go. In 2013 I went whitewater rafting for the first time. It was a blast. I saw one of my favorite bands in concert this year. We drove all the way to Kentucky to see them and it was worth every minute. I already have tickets to two more concerts in 2014 and I'm hoping to see as many of my favorite bands as I can afford. I read some really great books this year, and saw some really great movies. I can't wait to do more of this in the coming year, especially with the TFiOS movie coming out in June. 

There were moments of great sadness this year, and moments of great happiness. I'm hoping 2014 will be full of more happy moments, big and small, the kind that fill you up inside so much that you can't stop smiling. Wonderful moments I will remember.

Now that 2013 is coming to close a lot of people out there are compiling a list of resolutions, things in the next year that they would like to do, or see, or improve about themselves and everything around them. I've tried this in the past and it hasn't worked so well. I usually end up giving up around March or I just don't make any at all so that way there's no way for them to fail. This year, however, I'm hoping will be different. I'm hoping that I will be different. But the only way for that to happen is to make it happen, so that's my New Year's resolution. To MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Good things, new things, fun and exciting things, all the things I've been waiting for. It's time to stop waiting. It's time for me to stop letting life just happen to me and start happening to it, if that makes any sense. It's time to start saying yes to new things, even if they're a little scary at first. For too long now I've simply sat back and watched my life, I've been a passenger, a spectator, but (excuse this awfully cheesy line) life is not a spectator sport. In 2014 I hope to watch less and do more, not just for me, but for those around me. 

So this year I'm not going to make any specific resolutions that I'll probably forget anyway, I'm just going to try and make things happen in my life. I'm going to try and grow and become even more so the person I'm meant to be and get to know exactly who that is. I'm going to try and love myself a little more and care a little less about what other people think. I'm going to do more nice things for people, both familiar and strangers. I'm just going to try more. To be brave. To be kind. To be strong. To be myself. So that hopefully by this time next year I can tell you all that I've made things happen, wonderful things, for myself and for others. But also that I've let some great things happen on their own because that's the way the world works. It's kismet. It's magic. I'm hoping 2014 will be filled with magic for all of us. 

And as one of my favorite authors Neil Gaiman has said:

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

I hope I surprise myself this year, and I hope you do to. Happy New Year, friends.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

The Type of Girl Who Likes French Macarons

Up until a few days ago I had never tried a macaron, but ever since I heard about these beautiful little French cookies years ago, tasting one has been on my bucket list. I've always wanted to be the type of person who likes French Macarons. They're just so beautiful and small and colorful, but I worried if I finally tasted one I wouldn't like the flavor. But I was determined to like them, to be the type of girl who liked them, so after finally finding a local bakery in STL that sold them I got my chance to try one. And I LOVE them! They're delicious and sugary and cute and they make me happy. We picked these up at Whisk Bakery, a sustainable bakeshop in the city that gets their macarons from Mila Sweets. When I got them home I just had to snap a few photos to share with you. They were just too pretty not to document. Feast your eyes on these lovely cookies.

Check out Mila's website here.

Mmmmmmmmmm.

The bottom green cookie is Mint Chocolate. I'm very excited to try it, but I'm saving it for last.

I just loved the pretty little boxes they came in.

The bluish purple cookie is Earl Grey flavor. I'm interested to see how it tastes.

Yum Yum. My favorite picture.

Then after we left Whisk we decided to head to our favorite Cupcakery in STL, The Cup, to pick up a few cupcakes. The Cup's cupcakes are by far my favorite out of all the cupcakes I've ever tried. They're not too big, not too small, and they always have the best flavors available that change with the seasons, as well as the classics. I chose Red Velvet, of course. I just can't seem to pass it up every time we go. And this time it was covered in little snowflakes for Christmas.

And don't worry. I didn't eat the cupcake and cookies at the same time. Gotta make the cookies last. The cupcake, however, was gone in a few minutes.. 

Almost too pretty to eat. Almost.

So now I've discovered that I am the type of girl who loves French Macarons and I'm very happy about it. Hopefully someday I'll actually get to eat a French Macron in France. Here's hoping. And here's hoping we all become the type of people we want to be in the coming year. Happy Holidays!

Love & Chaos,

Sam

21 Candles.

photo found on observando.net (Whoever wrote this, you are brilliant.)

21 rings. 21 candles. 21 years. Yet I feel all the ages I've been at once, and also none at all.  I guess I feel smart twenty now. That's the way it is.

Love & Chaos,
(Legal) Smart Twenty Sam

On Turning 21

Tomorrow it will be my 21st birthday. I will have lived on this earth for twenty-one entire years. This blows my mind. It feels like just yesterday I was seventeen and worrying about college and what I wanted to do with my life, and stressing about silly things.  And the day before that I was twelve and terribly awkward. And before that six and playing hide and seek in the backyard, and tossing snowballs, and catching fireflies.  And yet here I am, turning twenty-one years old, a junior in college...and pretty much still doing all of the above mentioned things. But where did all that time go? Everything feels so far away and so close at the same time. And that's life I guess. I've had so much life packed into these past twenty years and so much more to be done. It's a scary feeling, but a good feeling.

I've grown a lot in the past twenty years and through growing I've also learned. That's what they say isn't it? You live and you learn. I still have a lot to learn, but here are some of the things that the past twenty years have taught me.

That it's okay to be a little awkward. It's okay to be weird. Everyone's a little weird. Embrace your weirdness.

Let the people you love know that you love them. As much as you can. Every day.

Read. Write. Whenever you can, as much as possible. Always carry a book, a notebook, and a pen with you.

There may actually be such a thing as too much cheese. I know it sounds crazy, but now that you're in your twenties (and possibly have a lactose problem you never knew about) your stomach can only take so much cheesy goodness. Pace yourself with the cheese..*whispers* I still love you cheese. I'll never leave you. I'll just have you in smaller portions.

Olive Garden bread sticks are always a good idea. Always.

Sometimes boys can be really stupid. And sometimes they can be really sweet. Don't let the stupid ones ruin things for you. Nice guys don't always finish last. Give them a chance.

Laugh. Just laugh. All the time and as much as you can. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, I mean really laugh, until you cry even.

True friends will never leave you. No matter how far away they may seem, they'll always find their way back to you, and you to them. If they want to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be there. But you have to make the effort too. It goes both ways.

Just because someone shows love differently than you, doesn't mean they don't love you as much as they can.

French Vanilla coffee creamer tastes just as delicious in tea as it does in coffee. And the same goes for Pumpkin Spice.

Saying you're sorry, or that you were wrong, doesn't make you look weak, it makes you look strong. Try saying both a little more often when you know you should.

No matter how weird and crazy your family is, they're yours and they love you. Let them know you love them too. They're the only family you've got. Appreciate them.

Hugs aren't as awful as you once thought, at least when given by the right people. 

The kitchen is for dancing. And baking. But mostly dancing.

You can't care so much about what other people think. I know it sounds hard, but they're way more worried about how they seem and look, then how you do. Trust me.

It's all about the little things, the details. Remember the little moments. Capture them.

Road trips with the cousins are some of the very best kinds of road trips. Take more in the future. Take more family road trips. Take more friend road trips too. Just drive.

Being an introvert is more than okay. Embrace it. Know your strengths. There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay in on a Friday night and just read a book. Just try not to stay in every Friday night. Interacting with other human beings doesn't have to be hard. Just try it sometimes. It's good for you.

If you're in a car and a great song comes on, you should be singing. Who cares what the person in the car next to you thinks. Sing at the top of your lungs. The right song can do wonders for the heart, and it makes the drive go by faster.

Getting the ends of your hair dyed blue was a great idea. No sarcasm here. It really was a great idea. Ride that blue wave of confidence as long as you can, girl. 

Things change, even when you don't want them to. Learn this. Know this. Take the time to adjust, but don't take too long. 

Your sisters aren't quite as different from you as you thought. Remember this in the future when they make you angry or frustrated. Forgive them quickly. You all need each other.

Smile at people you pass by, it could make their day just a little better. And yours too.

When you have something you want to say, say it. Don't hesitate and hold it in because you're afraid people will think it's silly or disagree. Sometimes they'll agree with you and sometimes they won't, and that's okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, even if sometimes you think their opinions are wrong.

It's okay to get sad. Work through it. Try to understand it. And it's okay to get mad. It's okay to vent your frustration. But then you need to let it go. Don't hold grudges.

Ghost in the Graveyard will always be fun inside your head, but every time you try to get a game together it's never as great as it was when you were kids. Play it anyway, whenever you can.

Using only uppercut moves while playing Mortal Kombat will make people angry, but it almost never fails. Uppercut till your thumbs hurt.

Dogs and yoga pants are a girl's best friends.

Do what makes you happy, regardless of what other people think, or what society says you should do. Just do whatever fills you up inside, whatever makes your soul feel whole. The rest will follow.

When I was younger I used to count down the days till my birthday the same way I'd count down the days till Christmas. It was always so exciting, one special day just for me. And it wasn't even so much about presents as it was about the experiences I'd have on the day and the fact that everyone was wishing me a Happy Birthday. I was one year older, one year closer to whatever it was I thought I was aiming for. Now that I've gotten older I don't count the days like I used to, but I still have a habit of letting my expectations of the day get a little too high. I get this idea in my mind of how the day is supposed to be and when it doesn't turn out how I think it will I get disappointed. And that's silly, because in reality it's just a day, just one among many, even if I am a year older. So this year I'm just going to let whatever happens happen, and I'm going to try and keep all thoughts of how things are supposed to be out of my mind, and just let the day be whatever it wants to be. So hey there 21, you've been a long time coming. I'm not sure I'm totally ready for you, but I'm keeping an open mind. Let's do this.

Love & Chaos,
An (only slightly) older, and hopefully wiser, Sam

A Girl Who Reads

In the past year I've seen this beautiful piece of writing floating around the internet and it never ceases to make me smile. I saw it again today on one of my favorite blogs and I wanted to share it with you.

Date a Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico 

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or if she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by God, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

Just lovely. <3

Love & Chaos, 

Sam

Things To Be Thankful For

Tomorrow isn't just about good food and a big parade, it's about remembering that we all have things worth celebrating in our lives. I'm thankful for all of it.

I'm thankful for my family. They're crazy and funny and all mine. I wouldn't have them any other way.

I'm thankful for my friends, who are the best friends this introverted awkward girl could ever ask for. They put up with me and I'm lucky for it. I'm better for knowing them.

I'm thankful for words; for books and poems and hand written letters. I'm thankful for what words can do when used for good, and for how they can make you feel.

I'm thankful for you, and anyone else who has read my words. You're awesome.

I'm thankful for big, soft, cozy sweaters and weather cold enough to wear them in.

I'm thankful for laughter. It makes me feel good.

I'm thankful for music; for the song that fits with exactly how you're feeling.

I'm thankful for cheese and bread. Because cheese and bread.

I'm thankful for the moon and the stars.

I'm thankful for those "Be Prepared to Stop" signs that are posted before stoplights that blink when the light is about to turn red. Yeah, those are awesome.

I'm thankful for dreams and having the opportunity to try and make them come true, regardless of the outcome. I'm thankful for being able to try.

I'm thankful for trees and seasons and snow and rain and sunshine. To me it's all beautiful.

I'm thankful for having a place to share my thoughts and people to share them with who are willing to listen.

I'm thankful for being able to look forward to what's to come, even if it can be a little scary sometimes. 

I think we should be thankful every day, but now is the time we actually remember to be. I'm thankful for having things to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving. :)

Love & Chaos,
Sam

A Beautiful, Sad Song

A beautiful, sad song I can't stop listening to.

 

 

Love & Chaos,

Sam

What I've Been Listening To Lately...

So the past few months have greatly widened my musical horizons and I couldn't be happier about it. I've discovered a few new favorite bands to love and rediscovered a few old favorites who have recently released new albums. Here's what I've been listening to lately...

1. BASTILLE

The moment I heard a cover of Bastille's new song "Things We Lost in the Fire" I immediately looked them up and have been hooked ever since. They are an English rock band out of London and their new album "Bad Blood" just came out recently and I seriously love it. LOVE IT.

Favorite Songs: "Things We Lost in the Fire" - "Pompeii" - "Bad Blood" - "Flaws"

2. NEW POLITICS

How I've only just now discovered this band in the past few months I have no idea. I wish I'd heard of them years ago. They're from Denmark and they freaking kick ass. I literally love every single song of theirs. Every. Single. One. And with me that almost NEVER happens. Usually when a band I like releases a new album there's some songs I love, some songs I like, and some that just aren't for me. But with these guys I love every single song of theirs ever. Not even kidding.

(My Most Favorite) Favorites: "Stuck on You" - "Tonight You're Perfect" - "Harlem" - "My Love"

3. FALL OUT BOY

I've loved this band since I first heard "Sugar, We're Going Down" way back in the day, and then they left and it was sad. But now they're back and it's fantastic! I know their new album came out a few months ago, but I didn't actually get around to listening to the whole thing til recently. Now that I have I love it and it's been on repeat for the past week!

(New Album) Favorites: "Alone Together" - "Young Volcanoes" - "Miss Missing You" - "Just One Yesterday"

4. PANIC! AT THE DISCO

Panic! has been one of my very favorite bands since pretty much forever (since middle school) and they're new album is definitely worth checking out. Just like all of Panic!s albums, it's different than the one before and shows how amazing they are at changing while still staying true to who they are. Also I'm in love with Brendon Urie and that voice of his. Swoon.

(New Album) Favorites: "Miss Jackson" - "Girls/Girls/Boys" - "This Is Gospel" - "Nicotine"

5. MAYDAY PARADE

Another band I've loved since middle school. I think I'll always have a soft spot for MP. We've been through a lot together.

(New Album) Favorites: "Hold Onto Me" - "Even Robots Need Blankets" - "Angels" -  "12 through 15"

6. PARACHUTE

Love these guys. So funny and just plain cool. Always a great listen. 

(New Album) Favorites: "Disappear" - "Overnight" - "Can't Help" - "Hearts Go Crazy"

RANDOM

Besides albums I've also just been listening to a lot of random songs lately. Big Sean's new single with Lil Wayne and Jhene Aiko "Beware" has been on repeat. Eminem's new song with Rihanna "The Monster" is great. One Direction's new song "Story Of My Life" is just lovely. Paramore's new album came out awhile ago, but I still listen to "Hate to See Your Heart Break," "Still Into You," and "Last Hope" constantly. And then I've been listening to a lot of musical soundtracks lately. Particularly the Guys and Dolls soundtrack because I saw the show twice at my "old" high school over the weekend. The middle sister was in it and did great! Wish I was as brave as her. I've always loved musicals, but I'd never seen Guys and Dolls before. It is now one of my favorites. The songs are so catchy and I can't seem to stop singing them in the shower and in my head at random times during the day.

Anyway, do your ears a favor and check out these amazing albums and singles! Hope you like them as much as I do! 

Love & Chaos,

Sam

P.S. I realize pretty much all of these bands consist of boys, but I promise I like songs sung by girls too! It's just that this month it's been about these albums for me. And if being a fangirl is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Hey, Plumpkin!

We carved pumpkins today. And Bella painted a pumpkin and herself. It was fun. I carved mine to say "Okay? Okay." which is a quote from my favorite book by John Green, The Fault in Our Stars. The letters are a little messy, and I messed up the "A", but I love it anyway. It's my favorite plumpkin. 

(And if you know where "Hey, plumpkin!" comes from, you're cool.)

I made a collage because I can. I love plumpkins. Happy Halloween! (in a few days).

Okay? Okay.

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Disappointment

If there's anything I've learned about life in the last twenty years, it's that it can be beautiful, and wonderful, and even magical. But it can also be disappointing.

People are like that too.
They can make you feel like magic, and they can make you feel like nothing. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I'm not really sure why. It's not that anyone in my life has disappointed me in a big way recently or anything. No. I think it's more like all these little life disappointments have just been building up inside me, and so I feel the need to write about it to get it out of my head. All these thoughts that come knocking at eleven at night as I'm trying to get some sleep before school the next day, and I can't sleep until I finally turn on my lamp and write them down. I keep a little notebook next to my pillow just for this reason and lately it's been getting a lot of entries, which is good I guess. But anyway, back to disappointment. Fun topic, I know, but hey, we all experience it at some point right?

So yeah, sometimes people are going to disappoint you. Whether it's their own fault, or yours for expecting more than they are willing to give, it's going to happen. But is that really a bad thing, or your fault? Expecting things from the people you care about? Expecting them to care just as much as you do, and to do just as much for you as you're willing to do for them? No. At least I hope not. Because isn't that what it's all about? Giving of yourself to the people you love. That's what I've always believed, and still believe. But sometimes I've come to find that people aren't always willing to be there in the ways you want them to. Maybe it's too much for them, or maybe they're busy, or maybe they just don't care. Either way, it still hurts. I think it always hurts to be the one who cares more. To be the one who is willing to give more.

Of course I'm not always on the "caring more, giving more" side of things. Though sometimes it feels that way. But I'm sure there have been plenty of times where people have been disappointed in me too. In fact, I know there have been because I've been disappointed in myself right along with them. And that's the worst. Being disappointed in yourself. Because when it all comes down to it, you can't control the actions of others, but you can always control yourself and what you do or don't do. But at least when it's you you're disappointed in, you know how to fix things. Or at least how to try and fix things. But we can't fix other people, no matter how much we wish we could. All we can do is love them and hope they love us back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. And that's life.

But when people have disappointed me in the past I've always wondered whether it was because I just expected too much of them, or if my expectations were just too high, or if I had done something wrong. I kept thinking that maybe it's my fault for expecting them to care as much as I do because caring as much as I do would require a lot from a lot of people. I don't know. Maybe that's just my tendency to blame myself for everything. But whenever I'm disappointed I always assume that it's my fault. A normal person wouldn't be disappointed about something so silly, or something so little and insignificant. But to me the little things have always been the big things. The details have always been the most important. And I know that other people aren't the same, that they don't remember every little thing, but sometimes it would be nice if they would.

But I guess that's the future for someone like me. Someone who writes poetry and remembers details. I can't expect anyone to write me something back, or remember something so small because they're not me. And I wouldn't want them to be. I want them to be themselves, and that means accepting whatever they're willing to give. Even if that's not much at all.

What I need to realize is that just because people don't do for me the same things I do for them, it doesn't mean they don't care. It just means that they're showing me they care in different ways than how I show it.

And in truth, what I really need to remember is that I don't do these nice things for people so they'll do them back for me. I do it because I care about them, and that's all that matters. That's why I still do the things I do and remember the things I remember. Because it makes me happy to see the people I care about happy. And it doesn't matter if they can't write back or remember what happened last Tuesday. All that matters is that they know how much I care. And maybe some day, when they're ready, they'll show how much they care too, just in a different way than I do. And they won't ask for anything in return.

That's the bottom line, I guess. To not ask for anything in return. That's truly caring. And I'm not asking for anything in return, really. I just want them to know how much I care, and to know that they care too. That's all. Even if they show it in different ways than I do, I just want them to show it every once in awhile. I think that's all anyone wants. To know that they matter to someone, somewhere. To know someone cares, even a little.

So if there's anything I want you to take away from this post, it's this: Sometimes people disappoint us, but that doesn't mean they don't love us as much as they can. And it doesn't mean that they aren't doing the very best that they can do at this point and time. So the people that make it up to you, that show you they care (even if it's only a few times a year, in very small ways), keep them in your lives. Because at least they're trying. But the people that don't even try, that take you, and everything you do for them for granted, let them go. Find people who know that you are willing to do your best for them, and who are willing to do the same for you. Those are the people worth caring about. The people who you wouldn't ever ask for anything in return, but who are willing to give it anyway because that's how much they care. Those are the people worth writing poetry for, even if they can't write it back.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

A Story About Friendship

Once upon a time, though not so very long ago, four different seeds were planted into one small pot. For years they grew together into little green saplings and were happy. The little pot was all they knew and they were content to stay small inside its confines and its safety.

Five years passed and soon the little saplings had become too big for their little pot. It was time to move on, so their gardener dug them all up and replanted them into a bigger pot with more saplings and more room to grow.

More time passed and the four saplings grew until they had to be moved again; into an even bigger pot with even more room to grow and even more saplings. And still they stayed together. They became stronger in this bigger pot until each one went from being a green sapling to a blooming flower. So many colors, they marveled at what they had become. One a beautiful daisy, its petals the color of puffy white clouds, reaching out to those around it and spreading joy. Another a radiant daffodil, with petals like buttery sunshine, shining light on those nearby. The third a brilliantly red rose, who bravely wore her thorns and always used them for good, protecting those around her and making them brave too. And the last a lovely, timid tulip, whose petals seemed plain on the outside, but when they opened up revealed the deepest shade of blue. Together they created a rainbow of colors so vibrant, each color complimenting the other three.

For four years the flowers bloomed and grew together in this bigger pot and were happy. Even when the rains fell, even when the winds blew and the winters took away their petals until the next spring, they stayed together. Even when the other flowers around them came and went, the four of them always stayed; always survived. Together. 

But all too soon they grew even too big for this bigger pot and the time came for them to be planted into the ground. In some ways the flowers were ready, they knew they couldn't stay in the pot forever, otherwise they would never grow to their full potential. Still, they were scared to leave each other behind. They feared that if they left the pot they would grow apart. The timid tulip feared this most of all. She didn't know how she'd be able to face the rain and snow and wind without the daisy and the daffodil and the rose. Their pot was the only garden she knew and she was afraid of losing her friends. Still, she knew it had to be done. It was time for the flowers to learn how to grow on their own. 

One by one the flowers were dug up to be planted into the soil, but upon digging them up the gardener discovered something miraculous. In all the years that the four flowers had been growing together above the dirt, they had also been growing beneath it as well. And in that time their roots had become so entangled that it was impossible to separate one flower's roots from the other, or tell one flower's roots apart from another's. So it didn't matter how far apart they were planted as they continued to grow because underneath it all they knew that they would always be connected in someway, and this made them happy. They would always share the same roots. No matter what. And even if they had to learn how to grow on their own now, they knew they'd never have to grow apart.

The End

To the rose, the daisy, and the daffodil. You know who you are, and I know who I am because of you three. Thanks for everything you've done and continue to do. So let's keep growing up together; it's so much more fun that way.

Love & Chaos,

Sam

A Song

I love this version of this song. I just love it. It never gets old. It makes me sad and happy at the same time, which is what the very best kinds of songs can do. Hopefully you'll love it too, if you don't already.

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Anxiety Girl

Okay. I've been turning this around and around in my head for a very long time trying to decide exactly how to go about writing this post, and I've come to realize that it will never be exactly the way I want it, so I figure I'll just go ahead and do this thing and hopefully by the end it will make some sense. Here goes.

I have anxiety. Like a lot of anxiety. Let's just call it a shit ton of anxiety. Now I've never actually gone to the doctor about this and been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder (yes it's a real thing), but I suspect that I most likely have the general kind. To be honest I can't really remember a time in my life when I haven't had anxious tendencies, except for maybe back in elementary school when I didn't really care what people thought of me. I think middle school is where it really started happening and there was even a time (lasting about two or three years) when I would get panic attacks and shortness of breath a lot. The first time it happened I was sitting in history class and we were watching a documentary about these people who were climbing Mt. Everest, and I just remember it felt like I was on the mountain with them and I couldn't breathe. I would try to take a deep breath and my lungs just wouldn't let me, and I was freaking out thinking something was wrong which made it even worse, until finally I had to ask the teacher if I could go get a drink of water. After that it just kept happening at random times: gym class, field trips, pretty much anywhere, but mostly at school or in social situations. I'd just start worrying or thinking about not being able to breathe and then it would start to actually happen, or at least it felt like it was. Finally my mom had to ask the doctor if he knew what was wrong and he said it was probably panic attacks, but back then I had no idea what those were, so all I could do was just try to calm myself down and hope they went away fast. Once I reached high school the panic attacks pretty much stopped (still not really sure how) and I forgot about it, but the anxiety remained.

In elementary school, and even middle school, I was never really worried about being shy because my friends were all shy too. We were all nervous to get up in front of the class and present things, this wasn't something unique, so I didn't worry about it too much. But then once we all got to high school things changed, or changed for my friends at least. They all started becoming much more outgoing and were perfectly okay with getting up in front of the class and talking or presenting something. For me it just seemed to get worse and I couldn't understand why I still had to be scared when they weren't. They grew out of their shyness and I realized that mine was something more than just shyness. We'd get assigned a presentation project a month in advance and for that entire month I'd worry about it, a silly presentation in front of my classmates. I tried to tell myself to stay calm, that there was nothing to be worried or nervous about, but it didn't matter. Come presentation day I'd sit there with my face feeling like it was on fire and my hands shaking so bad I could barely hold the paper still enough to read it. It was awful, but lots of kids went through this, I knew. I'd see other kids struggling too and even though it wouldn't make me feel better, it would at least make me feel less alone. And by senior year I was able to get to a point where my hands and voice didn't shake as bad. But then of course just as I was getting used to talking in front of these people I'd known for years, senior year ended and I was thrown into a whole new environment with new people. College.

I'm at the beginning of my third year now (where has the freaking time gone?!?!) and I'm still anxious as hell. It's true that I've "come out of my shell," as people love to say, a bit more than when I was in high school, but the anxiety is still very much there. I get nervous or worry about the silliest of things, like reading in front of the class while sitting down, and my heart beats like crazy. Large groups of people make me anxious and I can't really be in big groups for long periods of time because it's just too much. I know that people could try and just blame this on my being an introvert, but it's more than that. There is something inside me that physically won't allow me to do normal human things, like getting a job for instance. I want to get a job. I need to get a job. But the prospect of actually going up to someone and asking them to give me one feels like the scariest thing in the world to me. Interviews, terrifying. Meeting new people, nerve-wracking. Normal human activities, daunting. I want to do these things, but it's as if there's this wall that is preventing me from getting to where I want to be. People tell me just to go for things, face my fears and get over it, or that this whole thing is just some idea in my head, but I swear to you, it's not. This is a real thing that I have and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I mean, I'm pretty sure there isn't any kind of real cure for anxiety disorder, but the worrying is exhausting. Worrying about silly things that don't even matter, or worrying about big things, either way it effects my life. And regardless of what anyone says I can feel, deep down inside, that this is a real thing, not just my mind or fear getting in the way of what I want, but a real problem.

There are some people in my life that don't really get this. They call what I have "being shy," but there's more to it than that. They say I'm just lazy, or they tell me to just suck it up and eventually I'll get used to things, but I can't. I want to do normal things like get a job, I want to, but every time I even think about trying to do just that my body just basically shuts down with worry and anxiety. They think I can help it, but they don't understand that I honestly can't. That even just going out in public by myself scares the living bejeezus out of me because it means I'll have to interact with people. I even have trouble making steady eye contact with people I know, that's how bad this is. My mind is constantly bombarded with worries over the most ridiculous things and I can't even stop it. I wish I could. I wish I could say I'm "getting over it," but I don't think this is the kind of thing a person like me can get over. That may sound incredibly dreary and unoptimistic, but I'm just telling you the truth. I think I'll probably always have anxiety. The key will be learning how to deal with it better and learning how to work around it so I can at least be a semi-normal contributing member of society. I may always be awkward and anxious, but I can at least try my best not to let the anxiety control my life the way it has for the past few years. I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to do this yet, but I'm a work in progress and that's what your twenties are for right?

I apologize if this sounds like whining, I'm just trying to explain myself to myself, and I know that there are others out there who feel the same way that I do (right?) and I just hope that this helps you feel a little less alone, or that you can relate in some small way. So yeah. This is me, living with anxiety and trying to figure out exactly what that means. Here's hoping the next ten years are filled with a little less worry and a lot more discovery. Anxiety girl out.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

P.S. Please understand that this is just me talking about my own experiences, I know that things are different for everyone and that the way I've experienced anxiety may not be the same way that others have experienced it. I am in no way trying to say that my anxiety is any better or more severe than anyone else's. I know that my story may not be particularly unique, but I just wanted to share it, not only for myself, but for anyone willing to listen. Even if just one other person out there can relate and feel a little better, then writing this all down will have been worth it, even if neither of us has any idea what we're doing. Sorry that I don't have any tips on getting over anxiety, but this is just because I don't know any yet, as sad as that sounds. I'm not trying to be depressing I promise, just being truthful. Anyway, hope that all makes sense. This post didn't turn out quite the way I planned, but when does anything in life ever turn out the way we thought? That's why life is so exciting (and terrifying) and my anxiety is just a part of my life that I've got to learn to deal with. Clearly, I'm still learning.

This.

This, people. This right here. These words. These words above were finally able to explain the feelings I've been trying to describe to myself and others for what feels like the past five years of my life. Seriously. I don't know who wrote this or where it came from, but whoever you are, thank you. Thank you for writing these words and finally putting into words my own complicated thoughts that I've been unable to articulate properly to myself for what feels like a very long time. Now I understand. All this time I've been going around thinking that maybe I am depressed, yeah, maybe that's what I am. But then I'll have days where everything feels wonderful and I smile all the time and I think, no, I'm not depressed because in those commercials depressed people don't smile like this or laugh at something funny a friend says. But then a few days later I'll go back to thinking that yes, I am depressed because happy, normal people don't get sad like this. Not this much. But now I see that what I am isn't really depressed. What I am is just a little bit sadder than you're average 20 year old girl. And it's true the sadness can be sweet and engulfing, and sometimes it's nice to just wrap myself up in it like a blanket and wallow awhile. But I can still find the light and I can still smile and maybe someday I won't be so sad and I'll like what I see in the mirror and all that. So no, I'm not depressed, just a little bit broken inside, but that's okay. The broken parts are where the light gets in.

 

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Off to the Races...Balloon Races, that is.

I feel like I haven't posted any pictures on here in a long time, so today I'm going to fix that! My family and I headed out to Forest Park in St. Louis for The Great Forest Park Balloon Race today and it was lovely. Perfect weather for it and everything. If you live in or around St. Louis and have never been to the GFPBR then I highly recommend going next year! It was quite crowded, but also really fun and just a nice excuse to get out of the house and into this perfect weather we've been having. Here are some pics from the day. Enjoy!

First balloon up!

 

I loved this balloon so much! It had to be my favorite of the day!

Loved the pattern on this one.

 So many people!

Gumball Machine balloon!

Gettin' patriotic up in hurr.

Golf ball and golf tee balloon! So cool!

Shadows.

Almost ready to go up!

Loved this design.

St. Louis balloon!

Wehrenberg's amazing popcorn balloon!

Energizer bunny balloon!

I just couldn't help myself with these tree photos. The light was too perfect.

I just love trees.

Saw this on the way home. More perfect light and a cool city building in the background.

We had such a great time today! Hope you enjoyed the photos, there was a lot of them. Too many to post, so I had to pick and choose. It was difficult.

Love & Chaos,
Sam