25

25 Things I've Learned Upon Turning 25

1. There is no master list of things you should have done by the time you turn 25. Everyone has their own list, their own goals and expectations for getting older. Don't worry about what everyone else is doing or has already done. Life is not a competition. You just do you and forget the rest. Move at your own pace. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen, or when you make them happen, and not a moment sooner. Just accept it and move on. You've got a life to live.

2. Over the past year you've gotten a lot better at learning to love yourself, but you've still got a long way to go. Keep going.

3. Honestly, who gives a shit what other people think of you. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself.

4. Resist, girl. Stay angry. Don't accept what can be changed. Never stop fighting for what's right.

5. Growing up is scary, it always will be, but it's a lot less scary when you've got the right people by your side.

6. If you don't want to go to the party, don't go to the party.

7. As Dad has always said, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Becoming an adult comes with lots of responsibility, but there are fun parts too. Focus on the fun parts.

8. Wear what you want to wear. Say what you want to say. Be whoever the fuck you want to be.

9. Getting a job can be scary, but once you finally find something that fits it can be incredibly empowering and big confidence boost. And making a little money doesn't hurt either.

10. You write, therefore you are a writer. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

11. Skirts are fun. So are socks that curse.

12. Just because you have a little money now, doesn't mean you need to spend it all. Start saving up. A little frugality never hurt anyone.

13. Book mail is the best mail.

14. Medication isn't the right choice for everyone, but when it is, when it helps, it can open up your life in ways you once believed impossible.

15. Online shopping is just the best.

16. There is no such thing as too many books, only not enough bookshelves. 

17. Never apologize for taking care of yourself. Never apologize for being different. Never apologize for changing when everyone else stays the same. 

18. Goodwill is full of great stuff (sometimes) and not so great smells (always).

19. This year has shown you that people can be a lot dumber and a lot worse than you once thought, but they can also be a lot smarter and a lot better too. Focus on the better ones.

20. You can't be in control of every situation. You don't need to be. Learn to let go every once in awhile. Give yourself permission to just be. 

21. It's time to stop messing around and actually finish something. Pick a story and stick to it. Write through the blocks. Don't wait for inspiration to strike. Create your own.

22. Live each moment as it happens. Never take anything or anyone for granted. You are one lucky girl. Never forget it.

23. Hold on tight to those you love and love them fiercely. Make sure they know how much you care. 

24. You're gonna get older. It can't be stopped. May as well try and enjoy yourself along the way. Never take yourself too seriously.

25. For the most part, 2017 has been a giant dumpster fire of awfulness, but that doesn't mean there aren't still good things and good people in the world. Find the good things. Find the good people. Hold on to them. Surround yourself with them. And most importantly, be one of them.

Hope you all have a safe and happy New Year. May 2018 be infinitely better than 2017 for all of us.

- Sam

24

24 Things I've Learned Upon Turning 24

1. Last year when making this list I said something along the lines of, "it's okay if you haven't figured out who you are yet." And it is. But this year I've learned that who I am changes all the time. And it's going to keep changing for the rest of my life. And that's okay. And maybe it's terrifying, but it's also necessary.

2. I spend a lot of time wishing for yesterday or being terrified of tomorrow, when what I should really be doing is living for today.

3. "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

4. Turns out paying someone to listen to you talk about yourself for an hour every two weeks can really make you feel just a little bit better about life.

5. Strapless bras are actually really great when they fit and drastic haircuts can do wonders for the self-esteem.

6. Don't bother making an effort for people who never bother making one for you. It's a waste of your time and theirs.

7. Medication isn't right for everybody, but it doesn't hurt to try. And sometimes it really can help.

8. I've spent a lot of time the latter half of this year being mad at the world for one reason or another, and sometimes this anger is a good thing, but only if I use it to push me forward instead of allowing it to hold me back. Other times the anger can end up only hurting me instead of helping me. When this happens it's time to find an outlet and let it go.

9. So podcasts are great.

10. Turns out I have control issues. Everything makes so much more sense now, but the older I get, the less fucks I give. I'd like to believe that's progress.

11. This year I set out to read 23 books. I ended up reading a total of 71 instead. Next year I'm aiming for 100. Turns out having fun truly isn't hard when you've got a library card.

12. Sometimes crazy shit happens that makes you question everything you thought you knew and all you can do is try to rise above. Remember that love will always trump hate.

13.Asking for help is only part of it. Accepting help is the other.

14. Don't let the decisions of others affect how you live your own life. Don't let the judgments of others affect how you see yourself.  

15. Never feel guilty for saying no.

16. Bookstagram is a beautiful place full of beautiful, book-loving people.

17. The things and people that make your heart rise up inside your chest with happiness, those are the things and people you should always surround yourself with. 

18. Love your sisters and love yourself.

19. There is so much more to me than anxiety might have me believe.

20. Stand up for people. If you see something you know is wrong, say something. And don't forget to stand up for yourself too.

21. "Stay sexy. Don't get murdered." If you know where this is from, you're my kinda person.

22. Take care of your skin. Don't forget to moisturize. Never over pluck your eyebrows.

23. One of the best things to come out of this year is how deeply I fell back in love with reading. It feels like I've come home.

24. Sometimes the biggest thing standing in your way is you, and life is all about learning to overcome the things you can't change and changing the things you can. Don't be your own worst enemy. Be your own biggest cheerleader. Speak to yourself the way you would someone you love. Give yourself a break every once in a while, but hold yourself accountable. This is your life and you're the only one who gets to decide how you live it. Choose to live it well.

The Sea

THE SEA

"THE SEA! the sea! the open sea! 
The blue, the fresh, the ever free! 
Without a mark, without a bound, 
It runneth the earth’s wide regions round; 
It plays with the clouds; it mocks the skies; 
Or like a cradled creature lies. 

I’m on the sea! I’m on the sea! 
I am where I would ever be; 
With the blue above, and the blue below, 
And silence wheresoe’er I go; 
If a storm should come and awake the deep, 
What matter? I shall ride and sleep. 

I love, O, how I love to ride 
On the fierce, foaming, bursting tide, 
When every mad wave drowns the moon 
Or whistles aloft his tempest tune, 
And tells how goeth the world below, 
And why the sou’west blasts do blow. 

I never was on the dull, tame shore, 
But I lov’d the great sea more and more,
And backwards flew to her billowy breast, 
Like a bird that seeketh its mother’s nest; 
And a mother she was, and is, to me; 
For I was born on the open sea! 
The waves were white, and red the morn,

In the noisy hour when I was born; 
And the whale it whistled, the porpoise roll’d, 
And the dolphins bared their backs of gold; 
And never was heard such an outcry wild 
As welcom’d to life the ocean-child!

I’ve liv’d since then, in calm and strife, 
Full fifty summers, a sailor’s life, 
With wealth to spend and a power to range, 
But never have sought nor sighed for change; 
And Death, whenever he comes to me,
Shall come on the wild, unbounded sea!" 

--Bryan Procter (Barry Cornwall)

words written by someone else

Lately, I'm finding it easier to rely on the words of other (better) writers to explain what I'm feeling rather than trying to make sense of it all myself. These are some of those words written by one of those writers.

***

“It’s taboo to admit that you’re lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven’t left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. Ha ha, funny. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you’re not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are.

A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn’t transition well to adult life, that you’d fall right through the cracks. And look at you now. La di da, it’s happening.

Your mother, your father, your grandparents: they all look at you like you’re some prized jewel and they tell you over and over again just how lucky you are to be young and have your whole life ahead of you. “Getting old ain’t for sissies,” your father tells you wearily.

You wish they’d stop saying these things to you because all it does is fill you with guilt and panic. All it does is remind you of how much you’re not taking advantage of your youth.

You want to kiss all kinds of different people, you want to wake up in a stranger’s bed maybe once or twice just to see if it feels good to feel nothing, you want to have a group of friends that feels like a tribe, a bonafide family. You want to go from one place to the next constantly and have your weekends feel like one long epic day. You want to dance to stupid music in your stupid room and have a nice job that doesn’t get in the way of living your life too much. You want to be less scared, less anxious, and more willing. Because if you’re closed off now, you can only imagine what you’ll be like later.

Every day you vow to change some aspect of your life and every day you fail. At this point, you’re starting to question your own power as a human being. As of right now, your fears have you beat. They’re the ones that are holding your twenties hostage.

Stop thinking that everyone is having more sex than you, that everyone has more friends than you, that everyone out is having more fun than you. Not because it’s not true (it might be!) but because that kind of thinking leaves you frozen. You’ve already spent enough time feeling like you’re stuck, like you’re watching your life fall through you like a fast dissolve and you’re unable to hold on to anything.

I don’t know if you ever get better. I don’t know if a person can just wake up one day and decide to be an active participant in their life. I’d like to think so. I’d like to think that people get better each and every day but that’s not really true. People get worse and it’s their stories that end up getting forgotten because we can’t stand an unhappy ending. The sick have to get better. Our normalcy depends upon it.

You have to value yourself. You have to want great things for your life. This sort of shit doesn’t happen overnight but it can and will happen if you want it.

Do you want it bad enough? Does the fear of being filled with regret in your thirties trump your fear of living today?

We shall see.” 
― Ryan O'Connell

***

I don't know. These words just speak to me, especially lately. It's always nice when you find words written by someone else that remind you of yourself. It makes me feel so much less alone. Honestly, I think if we talked about how we feel more openly with one another then maybe we'd all realize just how similar and un-alone we truly are. I'd like to believe that anyway.

heroes and heroines

Sooner or later you've got to stop being satisfied with simply reading about heroes and heroines; you've got to become your own. The only person who can ever truly save you from yourself is you. But you've got to want to be saved. No more relishing your own familiar sadness. It isn't cute, it's crippling. It's time to stop standing in your own way. It's time to start working toward becoming the woman the little girl you once were always dreamed you could be. Don't let her down.

Interesting

I'm beginning to realize that I've spent far too much time and energy wishing to be pretty, and not nearly enough time going out and doing things to make myself more interesting. And I'd like to be interesting. Not just to other people. But to myself. Pretty fades eventually. Interesting is with you till the end. At least that's what I'd like to believe.

Drafts

Sorry I haven't written here for awhile. I keep writing posts in a delirious haze and then I end up reading over them and deciding not to publish them or to wait. The doubt creeps in and then everything just seems to remain in my drafts folder, never getting posted until it seems like it's not worth posting at all, or the moment has passed. I am trying to do better. I am trying. One of these days I'll write something worth publishing. Something that makes some kind of sense. And I won't think, I'll just hit publish. One of these days...but not quite yet. 

Until then,
Love & Chaos,
Sam

My Top Albums of 2015

Being the music obsessed person that I am, I thought I'd throw together a list of my top 6 albums for the year (because 5 just wasn't quite enough), along with a list of honorable mentions that I enjoyed very much, but maybe didn't get to listen to this year as much as I would have liked. Obviously this list is merely my opinion, and I am no expert on the subject, but these are the albums that have been the most influential and important to me this year, and the albums that have excited me the most. I hope you enjoy.

6. Islands (Deluxe) -- Bear's Den

I recently wrote about Bear's Den on the blog for my latest addition of Music Monday, and because I loved Islands so much, I knew I needed to add them to this list. They are the perfect mix of folk and indie and rock all rolled into one. And lately there hasn't been a playlist I've made that hasn't included at least one of their songs. They are a great band who deserve all the success they've achieved, and I can't wait to see, and hear, what they create in the years to come.

Favorite Songs from Islands: Above The Clouds Of Pompeii, Agape, Bad Blood, Elysium, Isaac, Magdalene, When You Break

5.  Know-It-All (Deluxe) -- Alessia Cara

Alessia Cara is another artist I mentioned in last month's Music Monday and since then I've enjoyed her album immensely, so much so that I knew this list wouldn't be complete without her. I love both the innocence and the depth of Know-It-All, and the way that Alessia isn't afraid to be herself and sing about things that matter to her. She makes you feel that it's okay to be you, and it's okay to be the girl at the party who just wants to go home. Or better yet the girl who doesn't even show up to the party at all, and would much rather hang out with her friends and listen to music and talk about things that matter. Alessia shows young people everywhere that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing, and most of the time life is a lot more interesting and better when you don't. And because of this I look forward to whatever these next few years have in store for her. 

Favorite Songs from Know-It-All: Scars To Your Beautiful, Here, River Of Tears, Outlaws, I'm Yours, Overdose, Stars

4. Wilder Mind (Deluxe) -- Mumford & Sons

After fearing that the Mumford & Sons hiatus might last much too long, I was wonderfully surprised this year when they announced they would be releasing a new album. And being one of my favorite bands, of course I had to make sure they made this list. Though a bit different than most of their previous stuff, with much more rock and less folk, I was still very pleased after listening to Wilder Mind for the first time. The gradual change in their sound and the harder rock elements seem like a natural growth for the band, while still remaining true to who they've always been. And I only hope that the band will continue to make music together for a very long time.

Favorite Songs from Wilder Mind: Only Love, Believe, Hot Gates, Tompkins Square Park, The Wolf, Snake Eyes 

3. I Swam Out To Greet You -- Slow Club

If I'm being honest, I've only just started listening to Slow Club very, very recently, but after spending some time with their music and hearing their newest album, I Swam Out To Greet You, I decided they needed to be on this list. And so here they are. I read about Slow Club in a book that both stole my heart and then destroyed it completely, so I guess to punish myself further I decided to check them out, and I was not disappointed. I hope you aren't either. And now that I know about Slow Club, I know I'll be listening to them for a long time to come.

Favorite Songs from I Swam Out To Greet You: I Couldn't Say It To Your Face, I Threw It All Away, Willow Tree, Seasons (Waiting On You), Birds, Desperado (Cover), Blue Harbour, The Prophet

2. 25 (Deluxe) -- Adele

Of course Adele's 25 is on this list, regardless of how late in the year it was released. Since I first heard that she was releasing a new album I was waiting impatiently to hear her new music and I was not disappointed. My mom and I went out and bought the album the day it was released and I've been listening and belting out the entire album ever since. After the first initial listen there were a few stand out favorites for me that I really, really loved, but after listening to it a second time I fell in love with every single song. And after listening to it on a long car ride just as the sun was setting and it became dark outside, the album became something else entirely. It's beautiful, it's haunting, it's just magic, and if my number one album wasn't so important to me the way that it is, then Adele's 25 would definitely be number one for this year and the next. 

Favorite Songs from 25: When We Were Young, Million Years Ago, Hello, Sweetest Devotion, Can't Let Go, All I Ask, Remedy, Water Under The Bridge, River Lea...basically all of them.

1. Blurryface -- Twenty One Pilots

Over the course of a few short months this band that I have loved for more than two years has worked their way up the list of my top ten favorite bands to take their place at the very top, at number one. And with the release of their newest album Blurryface earlier this year they have also gained the number one spot on my list of top albums of 2015. This album holds an incredible significance for me and it came into my life at exactly the right time when I needed it most. It's gotten me through these past few crazy, confusing, stressful months after graduating college and trying to find my way in the world and I love every single song. There isn't one thing I would change about this album, or one song I'd want to lose. In my opinion, it's perfect. And come August of next year I will be standing in an arena with thousands of other people who love this band and this album almost as much as me and singing along to every song at the top of my lungs as Tyler and Josh do their thing on stage. It's going to be incredible, and I can't freaking wait. Blurryface isn't just my number one album for the year, it's my number one album for me, and for this strange time in my life when nothing seems to make much sense, but Twenty One Pilots and their music, they always do.

Favorite Songs from Blurryface: All of them. Every single one.

Honorable Mentions
7. BADLANDS -- Halsey
8. Beauty Behind The Madness -- The Weeknd
9. Every Open Eye -- CHVRCHES
10. Made In The A.M. -- One Direction 
11. Grand Romantic -- Nate Ruess
12. HAIZ (EP) -- Hailee Steinfeld 
13. Pentatonix -- Pentatonix
14. Emotion -- Carly Rae Jepsen
15. Communion -- Years & Years

So those are my top albums for 2015. Hopefully there are a few albums and artists here that you haven't heard before, and hopefully in the coming year you'll give them a listen, along with all of your favorites. Here's to a new year full of good music, good friends, good stories, and lots of love.

Happy New Year, loves.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

23

For the last two years I've made a list (21 and 22) on my birthday of all the things the past year has taught me. And though it has often felt more difficult than most, this year is no exception. So below is a list of things I have learned this year that I will carry with me into 23.  

23 Things I Have Learned Upon Turning 23

1. Being in your twenties is just as exciting as everyone says, but don't let the books and movies and television shows fool you. It's also confusing and terrifying and stressful as hell, and it's easy to get overwhelmed by it all, but don't give up. This time in our lives is meant to be crazy and scary and wonderfully, horribly weird. Embrace it. Learn from it. Never take it for granted.

2. No matter how old you get, as far as I can tell, that whole "not quite having your life together" feeling never really goes away. It just changes right along with you and you just keep on living your life. And whether you have it together or not, your life is still yours, in all its messy glory, so own it.

3. The right shade of red lipstick really can work wonders.

4. People always say that college is the place where you find yourself, where you become who you're supposed to be, but it's okay to not know who you are yet, even after college has ended. You have your whole life to figure out who you are. Don't rush it. 

5. Not everything can be fixed by a laugh, or Adele, or the perfect combination of frozen yogurt flavors, but they sure can help.

6. One of the best things to come out of this year is the amount of writing you've done, but you haven't read nearly as much as you wanted to. Make an effort in the coming year to read more, as much as you used to. More than you used to. Reading is your first love and without it you don't really feel like yourself. Pick up a book.

7. Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes things just happen, no matter how much you wish they wouldn't. And when they happen, sometimes all you can do is be there for the people you love. Even when being there is hard or scary. Even when you aren't sure they want you there at all. Just be there.

8. Eye shadow isn't quite as intimidating as it may seem. You might even be getting the hang of it. Eyeliner, however, is another story.

9. Don't let fear or embarrassment keep you from telling people what you really want or don't want. Even if it may hurt them a little, it's better than ignoring them. You're not a teenager anymore, and you can't always get away with passive aggressive silence. Tell people how you feel.

10. Mental health is just as important as physical health, but not everyone is going to understand this. Try and help them understand, but don't force it. Focus on making yourself a healthier, happier person.  

11. Music can and will save your life. Don't let anyone tell you different. 

12. Remember that your sisters are watching. Remember this every time you look in the mirror at yourself and want to say something negative. It doesn't matter how old they get, you are still their example, so try to be a good one. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself more. You will all be better for it.  


13. The books and the films always seem to romanticize heartbreak, but there's nothing romantic about breaking your own heart. 

14. Sometimes the negativity in your life can come from the most unexpected places, and the most unexpected people, even by accident. And though it may be hard to do, it's okay to take a step back from it all. Even if it's just for a little while. But don't allow your fears to turn a little while into forever. Some relationships are too important to walk away from. And sometimes people need you most when it feels as if they don't need you at all. And even if they don't know it, you need them too. 

15. Dry shampoo is a girl's best friend.

16. The way you feel right now makes it hard to maintain the relationships in your life, but please don't give up. Keep reaching out, even if it's hard. Keep trying. Don't lose the people you care most about just because they seem to be moving on without you. They aren't leaving you behind, but they aren't going to sit around waiting for you either. Show them that they matter to you. Make an effort. 

17. One of the bravest things you can do in life is ask for help. 

18. Accept the fact that people change; sometimes slowly over time, and sometimes seemingly overnight. Accept that there isn't really anything you can do about this. Remember that they are on their own path, and though it may be parallel to yours, it is not the same path. Don't forget that you are changing too.  

19. The cover of "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams is a fucking great song. And occasional profanity can be very cathartic.

20. Throughout life you will encounter people who will try to make you feel like what you believe, or what you care about, is wrong, or doesn't matter. Don't let them. You believe what you believe. But always remember that just because they believe something different, doesn't mean they are any worse or any better than you. The world isn't full of only good or only bad people and nothing is ever completely one thing or the other. Everyone is made up of gray areas. And neither you nor anyone else is ever always right or always wrong. But that doesn't mean you should compromise your own beliefs for someone else's. Stand up for yourself and what matters to you. But always remember to listen to what other people have to say. Show them the respect you want to be shown in return. 

21. Always, always do your best to be kind. There is already too much negativity in the world and it won't ever do you any good to add to it. And no matter how much you may disagree with someone, or how angry they make you, you can never truly know what they're going through. So even when your instincts are pushing you toward anger, choose kindness instead.  

22. Sometimes you seem to forget what it was like when you were 14 and believed you knew everything about the world. Or when you were 18 and just wanted to go, go, go and never look back. Try to remember for them. Try to be more patient. Try to show them that you are all so different, but so similar at the same time. Try to be more open about how much they mean to you. That without them your life would be unrecognizable. That they are so much better than you will ever be. Help them to avoid making the same mistakes you made, but know that they will make mistakes that are all their own. Be there for them when they do. And even though it scares the crap out of you every time they leave the house, remember that you are not their mother. You are their sister, and that's all they need you to be. So be a better one. 

23. You spent a large part of this year being afraid. Afraid of what the future holds. Afraid of your own mind. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of your tears. Afraid of strangers, and afraid of the people in your life that you love the most, and the fact that you might disappoint them, or already have. But this next year you must not allow your fears to make the decisions for you. It's okay to cry. And it's okay to be afraid sometimes. But it's not okay to let it stop you from living your life. You have grown far too comfortable with your surroundings, but now you must learn to embrace the uncomfortable. Go out into the world alone and allow yourself to feel the fear that comes along with it. But do not allow your fear to hold you prisoner within the walls of your own room. There is a great big world out there waiting for you. Go see it while you still can. It is time to start holding yourself accountable for your own life. 

~

22 has been a big year for me, but it's also been one of the hardest years, emotionally and mentally, that I've ever experienced. From graduating college and the ensuing panic of not knowing what to do next, to the realization that my anxiety had gotten worse rather than better and spending almost all of the past few months afraid to leave the house alone, it's been a whirlwind of emotions and pretending that they don't exist. I've had some amazing highs this year and some catastrophically low lows, and still the world has gone on spinning and now here I am, turning 23. In some ways I am very glad to say goodbye to 22, if only because it wasn't at all how I wished it could have been. But then again that's one of the reasons why I am also so very sad to see it go. I had so many hopes and expectations for this year, my golden year, and now all I want is to be able to go back and live it all (or almost all) over again, only this time I'd want to do things differently. But of course I can't go back, and maybe that's a good thing, because if there's one thing this year has taught me it's that looking back too much can keep you from moving forward. So instead I will try to look ahead, to look forward to what 23 has in store for me and hope that this year I will be strong enough to do things a little differently. During my 22nd year I spent far too much time waiting for life to happen to me, as if life can happen to anyone who spends five days out of seven in her pajamas. So this year, my 23rd year, I'm going to do everything I can to try and live my life more purposefully, using each day to it's full potential. And I'm going to do my best to become a healthier person; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I'm going to try my best to make this next year as amazing as the past year could have been, so that by this time next December I'll be making a new list, all about the wonderful things I've learned. And I'll be able to tell you all about what the people I've met and the places I've been have taught me about what it means to live a life in motion, rather than one spent standing still.

There is a song that says, nobody likes you when you're 23, but this year the only person I really want to like me, is me. This past year is the year I got a little lost, the year I tripped up, so I'm going to spend this next year doing everything I can to find myself again. Here's hoping I find someone better than before.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

A Better Way

One of the biggest issues I have when I write is the constant thought that I could do better. And that someone else already has done it better, much better, than me. When I write I am always trying to find the perfect way to phrase something. To put just the right words together to get the sentence to sound the way that I want it to sound. I'm always wondering if there is a better way. Is there a better way to put this? Is there a better way to get my point across? Is there a better storyline hidden in here somewhere? So I write and I write and I write and sometimes I think I get it right, or at least very close. But most of the time I am still always wondering if there is a better way. 

I'm not sure if everyone who writes feels this way, but I do know that most people never get it right the first time, or the first draft. It's the trying that matters. The desire to not only say something, but to say it right. And I think there is merit in that. After all, we who love words know the power that they can hold. We know how amazing they can be when lined up in just the right order on a page. And we know that when someone gets it right, I mean really, really right, words can have the power to change the world. To shape history. And while I know that what I write would never and could never be quite as powerful as this, that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop trying to at least write the best thing that I can write. And no matter where my writing takes me, or how many drafts I start and restart, I hope I will never stop trying to get it right. I will never stop trying to find a better way, until I've found the best way to say whatever it is that needs to be said. Or write what needs to be written.   

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
-- Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums 

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Music Monday (5)

Music Monday -- Late Autumn/Early Winter Addition

1. Bear's Den

Bear's Den is a band that I've only just gotten into this past year, but now that I'm into them I can't seem to stop listening. They're beautiful melodies and the sound of lead vocalist Andrew Davie's voice has a wonderful calming effect on me that's become incredibly addicting. And just like sitting beside a warm fire or drinking a hot cup of tea or cocoa, listening to their music in these cold autumn/winter months is a beautiful comfort. The soft guitar in most of their songs fits in well with falling snowflakes and quiet days spent wrapped in fuzzy blankets. Their sound encapsulates almost all of my favorite things about folk/indie music and I look forward to not only enjoying them in the next few months, but for years to come. 

Favorite Songs: Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Agape - Sophie - Bad Blood - Elysium - Issac - Magdalene - When You Break

  

2. Alessia Cara

Alessia is a new artist that has only recently made her way onto my radar, but after first hearing her single "Here," and realizing that it was basically written for me, I was excited to hear more from her. And with the very recent release of her debut album, Know-It-All, I found even more songs to love and relate to. Her sound is fun and sweet, but with a little edge and attitude mixed in, which is what I think makes it so great. It's not my typical fall/winter go-to music like some of these other artists, but when the music is good, I don't think it really matters how well it does or doesn't fit in with the season. Alessia's music is the kind of music I would listen to at all times of the year, but since her album has been released this month I thought I'd add her to this list so you can all see for yourselves what a great new talent she is. I'm just glad that I found her so early in her career, and now I'm excited to see what great things she'll do in the future.

Favorite Songs: Here - Scars To Your Beautiful - River Of Tears - Outlaws - I'm Yours - Overdose - Stars

3. Iron & Wine

Iron & Wine (aka Sam Beam) has been in my life for quite some time now. The first song I ever heard of his was "Flightless Bird, American Mouth," and at the time it was different from everything else I was listening to. You could say that this was my alt. rock stage with how heavy and loud most of the music I was listening to was, but Iron & Wine was different, and this made me like his music all the more. Since then I've been lucky enough to hear him play live and let me tell you, it was an experience. Not only did he sound amazing, but he spent most of the evening just asking the crowd what they wanted to hear and then playing whatever it was that someone shouted out. It was great and it made the experience feel more personal than probably any show I've ever been to. Also he's pretty funny, which is always a bonus. And I think that his slow and steady sound fits in perfectly with the quietness that this colder weather always brings. 

Favorite Songs: Such Great Heights - Flightless Bird, American Mouth - The Trapeze Swinger - Boy With A Coin - The Sea & The Rhythm - Freckled Girl

4. Pentatonix 

If you haven't heard of Pentatonix by now, then let me be the first to tell you that you should definitely check them out. They are an A Capella group that got their start doing covers of popular songs, but have since gone on to release many cover albums, and have recently released their first completely original album. Now I know when you hear A Capella you might be thinking something along the lines of a barber shop quartet, but let me assure you that this group is nothing like the A Capella groups of old. This group brings a whole new meaning to the genre and if you enjoyed the music of the Pitch Perfect franchise even a little, then you'll definitely love Pentatonix. Not to mention they won a Grammy this past year, and if that doesn't convince you to give them a listen, then I don't know what will. Like Alessia Cara, they sound nothing like my usual fall/winter bands and artists, but it doesn't even matter. Instead of fitting in with the weather, they give me a little boost of energy every time I listen to their new self-titled album. They make me happy when skies are gray, so to speak, and they sound like no one else out there today because they don't use instruments. Instead their voices have become the instruments, and what beautiful instruments they are indeed.

Favorite Songs: Rose Gold - Can't Sleep Love - Cracked - Ref - Water - New Year's Day - Take Me Home - Misbehavin'

5. The Head And The Heart

The Head And The Heart is a group that I've been listening to for probably two or three years now, and though I like to listen to them all year round, I find myself listening to them the most in the time between November and December. It's a time that I love very much, and TH&TH are always a perfect accompaniment to the changing weather and that special time of the year when it doesn't really feel like autumn anymore, but it's still not quite winter either. I love the combination of the male voices and the one female voice that all seem to meld together so perfectly, and yet always stand out at the same time. Together they are able to create a beautiful sound that is both quintessentially indie/folk, while at the same time sounding like nothing else in the genre. Their music always reminds me of snowy woods and almost frozen streams, and days when the sun shines bright and the wind blows fast and it's so cold that it turns your cheeks red. It's little things like that that make me love this time of year, and also this band.

Favorite Songs: Down in the Valley - Rivers and Roads - Winter Song - Lost in My Mind - Let's Be Still - Another Story

Happy Listening, Friends!

Love & Chaos, Sam

Playing Catch Up

I think it's safe to say that I've spent the majority of my teen years and now my early adulthood feeling as if I'm playing catch up with everyone around me. All my friends and peers got their licenses before me. They all got summer jobs before me. They got boyfriends and broken hearts before me. And now they're all adjusting to adulthood better than I ever could. And that's how the past ten years of my life have gone. Running to catch up with my friends and my peers, and never quite making it in time. Because as soon as I get to a place where I finally feel as if I've made some progress, as if I've gotten closer to where everyone else seems to be, I look up and they're already ten steps ahead of me once again.

I remember being asked to write a poem my Junior year of high school for my English class, and I remember to this day that my poem was all about trying to keep up with everyone around me. Trying to figure out how to make the same transition from being a kid to a semi-adult that everyone else seemed to be making. And I also remember that the poem made my mother cry, but that isn't really saying much. My mother cries at everything I write. Still, that one poem has stuck with me for a long time, and in a lot of ways I feel as if I'm still living it today. Still barely keeping up. Still feeling out of place or left behind. Still wishing that I could somehow develop the same gene that everyone around me seems to have that allows them to grow up and move out and start acting like an adult. Not that I'm particularly looking forward to acting like an adult, but it feels like it should be time. I'm almost 23 years old and yet most days, at least on the inside, I still feel like that same terrified, starry-eyed 17 year old girl who only wants to spend time with her family, read books about beautiful boys and brave girls, and laugh with her friends. Who wants to believe in magic and soulmates and dreams that actually come true. Who just wishes that someone would truly see her and tell her that she matters and that everything really is going to be okay.

The girl I was back then had so many dreams and so many things she wanted to do with her life. She had so many expectations and somewhere inside she really believed that they would be met. At least she hoped so. And sitting here now writing this to you I can't help but feel that I've let her down in too many ways. The same kinds of ways that she let down the ten year old girl that came before her. And I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be 30 years old and still thinking that I've let my almost 23 year old self down. Because letting your friends down and letting your family down is one thing, but when you let yourself down, it just makes you feel so hopeless. And I've felt hopeless and helpless for so many years and I hate it. Because I'm not either of those things. I am a perfectly capable human being, and I am the only real thing standing between what I have and what I really want. I am the only thing standing between who I am and who that 17 year old girl hoped I would be. And I don't want to let her down anymore. I don't want to always be playing this constant game of catch up. It's exhausting and it's unnecessary and it's impossible. Everyone grows and changes at their own pace. Everyone does things at their own pace. And everyone gets to where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to get there. At least that's what I'd like to believe. So even though I may not be where my peers, or even my friends are in life, I'm still here, and I'm going at my own pace, and I'm learning that that's okay.

There is a tree that lives outside my window that is only just now changing from green to red. Every autumn it is always the last tree to change color and lose its leaves, and every morning I wake up to see how much it has changed overnight. And though the change is slow and sometimes hard to notice, the tree is changing, one leaf at a time. And much like the tree outside my window, I am slow to change and I'm bad at letting go. But everyday this tree shows me that even though change may come slower for me than for those around me, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me. And it doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. And it doesn't mean that I need to play catch up. And even though sometimes change can seem scary, I'm learning that it can also be good and necessary. And sometimes, if you're lucky, it can even be beautiful.

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Music Monday (4)

Music Monday -- Early Autumn Addition

There's a certain kind of sound I like to hear in the early autumn when the weather starts to get crisp and the leaves begin to change colors. It's a different sound than the one I prefer in the summer; it's much softer and understated, but powerful and raw at the same time. Up until now this time of year, early autumn, has always been one of nervous excitement and possibility for me, because it marked the start of a new school year and new experiences. Now that I've graduated I've been afraid that it would lack some of the excitement it used to, but listening to these artists that I've listed below, I feel some of that old excitement creeping back in. Hopefully they can do the same for you as well.

1. Ben Howard

Ah, Ben Howard. He's like the singer-songwriter of singer-songwriters for this generation. His melodies have the ability to both raise you up and comfort you at the same time. His lyrics are interesting and beautiful. His voice is powerful and yet soft, and it's a voice that I love to listen to all year long, but especially in the fall. There's just something about his raspy, wispy sound that makes me think of falling leaves and big sweaters and warm cups of tea. So if you haven't heard of Ben Howard by now, though I hope you have, I suggest you give him a listen and see for yourself. I recommend starting with his song "Promise," not only because it's my favorite, but because it begins with the sound of rain, and any song that involves rain is a song that I want in my life.

Favorite Songs: Promise - Keep Your Head Up - Only Love - Old Pine - I Forget Where We Were

2. Kacey Musgraves

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the biggest fan of country music. I grew up listening to it because that's what my parents listened to, but sometime around middle school I started branching off into other genres and let's just say I haven't looked back. And apart from a few older country songs that I like because they remind me of my childhood, I've kind of made it a rule to avoid country music if I can. Kacey Musgraves is the exception to this rule. Though still fairly new to fame, Kacey has got a sound that I don't think has been heard in country music for a long time. Her songs aren't about tractors or beer or trucks, they're about people, real people who you could know, or be, and I think that's why I've come to like her music so much. It sounds both old and new at the same time and she's singing and writing about things that a lot of other country artists today wouldn't, and I think that's what makes her such a great musician. She's not afraid to be a little edgy and different and in a genre that has stayed fairly consistent for the past ten or twenty years. She's changing the game and she's doing it with spunk and style. And it's because of this that I think her music, and her new album, will be a great addition to my autumn playlist, or any playlist for that matter.

Favorite Songs: It Is What It Is - Follow Your Arrow - Merry Go 'Round - Late To The Party - Somebody To Love - Family Is Family - Fine

3. Nathaniel Rateliff

I only recently discovered Nathaniel Rateliff, all thanks to a documentary called Austin to Boston, (It's an amazing film and it's on Netflix and you should seriously just go watch it right now. Go ahead. I'll wait.) which also happens to include the likes of Ben Howard himself, along with Bear's Den, The Staves, and a few other musicians you might recognize. Whilst watching this film I was not only introduced to Nathaniel Rateliff and his music, but I learned that he's actually from Missouri and grew up here which I think is pretty cool. It's always nice to find bands and artists that you really like and then learn that they came from the same place you did, or at least somewhere similar. It gives me hope that there really is more out there if you work hard  and want something enough, even for a girl from a small town in Missouri. But his being from Missouri is not what has kept me listening to Nathaniel even after I finished the film. It's his music and his voice and the power and emotion he puts behind his lyrics. You can hear everything he's feeling when he sings and this is something that not all artists are able to do, and very few are able to do it well, but Nathaniel does it with every word. And it's because of his unique voice and his raw sound that I think he's the perfect addition to the sights and sounds of early autumn. 

Favorite Songs: Still Trying - I Am - How to Win - Don't Get Too Close - Nothing to Show For

4. Lily Kershaw

I first discovered Lily Kershaw after her song "As It Seems" was featured on the season 7 finale of Criminal Minds, which is one of my favorite shows. After I heard this song I immediately had to look it up so I could find out who the artist was and if she had anymore music I could listen to. At the time she hadn't yet released many songs, but then her song "Ashes Like Snow" was featured on the season 8 finale, and her song "Maybe" was featured in the season 9 finale, and this made me an even bigger fan of her music. Luckily now she has released an album and though I listen to her music all different times of the year, I find myself listening to it in the fall more so than any other season. There's just something comforting about it that matches well with cooler weather and leaves crunching under boots. Her music is a great complement to any playlist, but especially a playlist dedicated to that special time between September and November.

Favorite Songs: As It Seems - Ashes Like Snow - Maybe - Good Girl - Marlboro Man - Sleep Peacefully

5. Kodaline

Oh, Kodaline. What can I say about Kodaline other than they've recently become one of my most favorite bands and there are a few of their songs that feel as if they were written just for me. I first discovered this Irish rock band when their song, "All I Want," was included on the soundtrack for The Fault In Our Stars, and I've been in love ever since. Their songs are so beautifully written and sung with such care that it feels as if they're playing just for you. I've been listening to them consistently since I first discovered them, but I figured that the best time to introduce you to them was in early autumn. They just seem to fit in well with cool breezes and colorful leaves and bonfires, and that excited feeling I get in my stomach when a new season is beginning and the weather is beginning to change, but really I could listen to them anytime and feel a connection. They're just that good. Listening to their music I feel both light and heavy at the same time and this is a feeling that only a few special bands are able to give me. Their song "One Day" hits home especially for me and it's because of how much I love their music that I want more of you to know about them. So here you go. I hope you like them as much as I do, though I'm not sure that's possible at this point.

Favorite Songs: One Day - All I Want - Love Like This - The One - High Hopes -What It Is - Ready - After the Fall

Happy Listening, Friends. And Happy Early Autumn. Here's to making the most of it.

Love & Chaos,

Sam