Lately I've been missing a lot of things. Not just people and places, but memories and times and moments from the past. And I think the French are right to say, "You are missing from me," because that's what it feels like when you miss things or people or places. It feels as if something's missing, as if there's a space somewhere inside that isn't quite full. And sooner or later if you miss enough things you start feeling like Swiss cheese, full of holes and a little bit hollow. So since I'm missing so many things I thought I'd make a list. It won't be like some of the other lists I've done, all lined up in a row with bullet points, but I think it still counts, so here goes.
I miss my dog. I miss her so much sometimes it hurts inside. She's been gone since June, but there are still times when I'll get home from school and expect her to be there to greet me at the door. To hear her little feet click-clack against the kitchen floor and her snoring at night in my room. I'll hear a noise and think it's her, and then I'll remember and I'll have to close my eyes for a minute until that feeling goes away. That feeling like she's supposed to be here, but she isn't. I know that when you lose something or someone people say that after awhile you get used to it, you get used to your life without them, but it's been almost four months and I still expect to see her food and water bowls sitting on the kitchen floor. Every time I get too much ice out of the fridge I still start to bend down to drop a few ice cubes into her water, only to find that her water is no longer there. Every time I drop a crumb of food on the floor I expect her to come running to snatch it up. I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to stop doing these things and forgetting that she's gone, but I'm not sure I want to. Because forgetting feels even worse somehow, like losing her twice. And even though it hurts, at least I know that she was here, that she did all of these things and we loved her for it. I just miss her, and I wish more than anything that she was still around.
I miss being a kid. I miss having next to no responsibility and running free and not being afraid. I miss playing pretend and not caring what I look like. I miss how easy everything used to be, how simple. I miss seeing the world through my child eyes, everything looked so much more beautiful then. Colors brighter, sounds louder, days longer. There are parts of being an "adult" (if that's what I am) that are great, but there's nothing like being a kid.
I miss the way things used to be. I miss seeing my best friends every day at school, spending weekends with them and sleepovers and movie nights. I miss being able to just call them up and hang out. I miss having family gatherings with everyone, not all split up into groups, but together. Everyone on both sides, talking and laughing. I miss having my cousins live right across the street and them walking into the house without knocking and playing football and kickball and wiffle ball in the back yard. I miss impromptu dance parties in the living room. I miss ghost in the graveyard. I miss taking family vacations together. I miss how everyone used to get along.
I miss the feeling that comes with the beginning of Summer, the freedom and the days stretched out in front of you. I miss the feeling of being seventeen and feeling as if the world was at my fingertips. I miss all the missed opportunities and the chances I didn't take. I miss the feeling that comes with reading a book series or a book for the first time. The way your stomach clenches when something bad happens to the characters, the way your heart lifts up when it's something good. I miss walking around in that daze of happiness while your in the middle of the book, knowing that each hour of the day brings you closer to being able to read it. I miss that feeling as if everything is magical and anything can happen, and even just a certain scent can bring you back into the world of the book.
I miss Washington and the forests and the rain and the water and the pebbled ocean beaches. I miss the excitement that comes with being some place new and unfamiliar. I miss not caring what other people think. I miss feeling as if I had my life together, or at least that I would someday have it all together. I'm finding out now that this is a little harder than it seems.
And finally, I miss that person, that boy, the one I haven't met yet, but who I know has to be out there. Right? The person who will think all of my quirky habits are endearing and who will laugh at my jokes and carry my groceries and not get angry when I mess up. The one who will love me the way the boys in the books love the girls in the books. The boy who will love to read and who's into music and who doesn't mind not talking sometimes. The one who will build me bookshelves. Who will understand what I mean when I say I need to be alone, and who will always be there when I say I need someone around again. The boy who will make me laugh and make me a better me and read what I write and understand every word. I miss him. The one whom I have yet to meet.
Gosh, that last one was mushy. My apologies. I'd say, won't happen again, but who are we kidding, you and I both know it will.
Though this post may seem a little on the sad side, I promise you I'm not trying to be depressing. I've just been thinking a lot lately about the things I miss and I figured I'd write them down. If only because it feels good to do so. I know I may tend to dwell in the past a bit more than most which is probably unhealthy, but I'm working on it. I think my life tends to take place both in the past and future, my mind always wandering to one or the other. So I'm trying to live more in the now these days, as clichéd as that sounds, but I think it's important. Now is what counts. The past and future are important too, but now is what we've got and now is where we are. And I'm trying to be all here.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
