22

Last December, when I turned 21 I made a list of all the things I'd learned that year. And since I really enjoyed making it and reflecting on what I'd discovered and how much I had grown, I thought I'd do the same this year. So here are 22 things (in no particular order) that I learned this year.

22 Things I've Learned Upon Turning Twenty Two

1. No one your age really knows what they're doing with their life. It may seem like they do on the outside, but they have just as much of a clue as you do. Which is next to none. And that's okay. Some day you'll all figure it out, or maybe you won't. That's okay too.

2. Eating lunch in your car alone might make you feel less anxious, but you can't stay in that car forever. Eat your meals among other humans as much as you can. Push yourself.

3. The things that you thought mattered at 17, the things you worried about, don't matter so much anymore. And the things that you think matter now won't matter so much when you're 30. Remember this as you go through life. Keep everything in perspective.

4. Being a cynic might feel like the easiest way to keep yourself from getting hurt, but don't let it squash the hopeless romantic that you used to be. I know she's still in there somewhere, so let her out every now and again.

5.  Don't compare yourself to others so much. They are not you. Write your own story, not someone else's. Know your own truth.

6. You are not your anxiety, no matter what it might say otherwise. Some days will be worse than others, but don't ever let it win.

7. Keep writing, no matter how scared you get. No matter how much you think you'll never amount to anything. No matter how discouraged you become. Just. Keep. Writing.

8. Your self-worth should not depend on outside sources. How many likes or favorites you get on social media does not define who you are. Neither do grades or scales or other people. YOU define who you are, you decide who you are going to be. Be someone interesting. Be someone who surprises people. Surprise yourself.

9. Never stop reading. Never ever. Books will save your life.

10. You cannot live your life based on time constraints. You can't keep telling yourself you'll have done this or accomplished that by a certain age. This will only lead to disappointment. You will do the things you want to do when you are ready to do them. Big moments don't happen on a schedule, so don't limit yourself. Be open to possibilities.

11. Always remember the three things a beginning writer needs: "Crappy job. Crappy apartment. Library card."

12. Remember that you are not the only 22 year old that still lives with her parents. Don't be in such a hurry to start something you aren't ready for. You'll leave the nest when it's time, and when you have the funds to do so. So make the most of your time at home now, when you can still close your eyes and pretend you're a kid. You'll miss this when you're gone. 

13. You are never too old to take a nap, or learn something new. 

14. Success cannot save you. It will not cure you of your faults. If you are ever lucky enough to be successful, enjoy it, but then get back to work.

15. It's okay to be afraid of change, it's a part of who you are, but don't let it control your decisions. Do things that scare you sometimes. It's good for you. It helps you grow. 

16. Always keep an open mind. Hang out with open minded people. They are some of the very best kind. Surround yourself with people who are good and funny and interesting. Maybe through osmosis you'll absorb some of their greatness.

17. Say the things you want to say to the people you care about, the things in your heart, even if it scares you. If you wait too long it may be too late. 

18. The quiet moments are some of the most important. Always listen for them. Recognize them when they happen. Appreciate them.

19. Though sometimes it may feel like you want to, never hate someone you have not met, or even someone you have. You don't have time for it. (You can just dislike them from a distance every once in awhile)

20. Though you may not always be the best at comforting people, never stop trying. Be there for those you love and they'll be there for you. 

21. Never stop fighting for what you want, or what you deserve. Maybe you deserve more than you think.

22. You really are happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time. And in the best way. Embrace it. Your twenties are your time to make mistakes, so make them. Then pick yourself up and keep going. Never be too afraid to start again.

So here's to another year of laughter and love, family and friends, adventure, growth, and a little bit of beautiful chaos.

Love & Chaos,
Sam 

Night Changes

Despite the fact that I don't enjoy taking night classes, there's just something extra special about being on campus at night. I always have this feeling of excitement and belonging when I'm walking around my college campus in the dark. When the stars are out and the street lights are on and everything feels just a little bit more special because it's dark and late and the campus feels as if it belongs to me. There's a different kind of energy in the air at night than there is during the day. There are less people walking about and everyone who's out is lit by the dim lights of the street lamps. People always say that they're afraid of the dark, or that the night feels more ominous than the day, but for me it's always felt like the opposite. 

Most people find comfort in the sunlight, but being the introvert that I am the sun always makes me feel vulnerable. For me the dark feels like protection, like a soft blanket to shield me from the outside world. During the day I always feel exposed and anxious, but at night I feel free. I can walk around with a smile on my face and I can breathe in the cool wintry night air and no one pays me any attention. Not that they pay attention during the day either, but of course sometimes it feels as if they are. At night I can just be, without having to worry if anyone is looking. During the day I feel a bit lost in the hustle and bustle of campus, but at night I can take my time. I can walk the long way to class and appreciate the buildings around me. My senses become heightened and my breath puffs out in front of me like smoke.

At night on campus I always feel very collegiate and it always hits me that this is my life. I'm doing it, I'm going to school and I'm taking classes and I'm living this particular life and it's a pretty damn good one. During the day I'm always in a rush to get somewhere, in a rush to find my place, but at night I never worry. Some people might feel afraid to walk around a college campus at night, but I've honestly never felt afraid. I relish my night time walks to class. 

For the past two years I've had a few night classes, but next semester, my last semester, I don't have any and I'm honestly a bit sad about it. I won't miss the four hour classes or the long drives to school in the evening, but I will miss my night walks and the quiet drives home when hardly any cars are out and I can sing along to all the good songs on the radio. I keep trying to remind myself to make the most of this time I have left at school, and though it's been stressful at times, I know I'm going to miss it when it's gone. 

Mostly I think I'll miss the feeling of it all. The feeling that anything can happen and new possibilities are around every corner. The feeling I get when I walk around my campus at night and realize that though it may not feel like it right now, I'm doing something important. I'm taking steps toward something, and though I may not know quite yet what that something will be, I'm excited for the journey nonetheless.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Autumn Love

Things I Love About Autumn

The leaves changing colors

The temperature begins to drop

Sweater weather

Apple picking

Pumpkin carving

Halloween

Autumn winds

The smell of bonfires burning

The magic feeling in the air when the nights get longer and the days get shorter

Haunted houses
Combat boots

The way everything feels more mysterious, like anything can happen

Corn mazes

October nights and November mornings

Pumpkin pie and pumpkin smiles
Thanksgiving

Folk music

Hocus Pocus

Fall break

The sound of crunching leaves beneath my feet

Just about everything

"Wild is the music of autumnal winds amongst the faded woods." 

-William Wordsworth

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Forged in the Crucible

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about a quote from one of my favorite books by Gayle Forman called Where She Went. In the story both the two main characters and one of their friends have all gone off to become important people and to do amazing things. And when one character, Adam, says this is strange--all of them coming from the same small town--the other, Mia, says that it's not strange at all. In that moment she says, "We were all forged in the crucible," and somehow it makes perfect sense. And from the first moment I read that book over two years ago that line has stuck with me. Because in a way I also feel as if I have been forged in the crucible. I may not be important or well known and the things I do may not hold much meaning for others, but somehow I still feel so incredibly lucky. 

So lucky to be born into the world in the exact spot that I'm in with the people that are in my life. So lucky to have been placed in the exact right moment at the exact right time to find people to add to my little circle and surround myself with them and experience life with them. To me, it's amazing. I look back on my life so far and so many times I've wondered if it's been enough. If I've done enough, if I've accomplished enough, seen enough, experienced enough. And so many times I worry that the answer is no. But then I think of the memories, all of the countless moments that I've had the privilege to experience with the people I've experienced them with. And I think that maybe the answer to my questions don't really matter so much. Because even if I may not feel that my present is able to live up to my past, at least I have a great past to look back on. And someday this present will become my past and if I can look back on it and think of great memories made with the people I love then I think that matters so much more than anything else I may accomplish.

I've grown up in this small town in the middle of Missouri and so many people would be looking for a way out, are looking for a way out. Or so many people would be sticking around their whole lives, whether they meant to or not. But I don't feel the need to do either. I feel as if whether I stay or I go it won't matter so much because in the end at least I was here. I was here in a time when things were exciting and changing and I got to make some of the greatest memories of my life. And even if there is bad stuff that gets sprinkled in with the good every once in awhile then at least I know I have people around me who can help me through it. I think that's what really matters about a place, is the people you get to live it with. And in some ways that makes me feel as if I'll never be able to leave because how could I possibly when everyone I love is here, in this place. Every single person who makes up my life and who I am is right here. And then there's the other part of me that wants to see the world, wants to experience new things, new people, expand my circle. Because that is important. It feels important to my existence as a human being, to go out, to explore, to discover. It feels essential, just as much as living day to day with my people feels essential. 

And when I think of leaving, when I think of getting out, I feel excited. But I also feel so afraid. Afraid, not of going toward the new, but of leaving behind the familiar. Because it's the little moments I get to experience when I'm living the day to day that I cherish the most. Like seeing my family every day. Getting to have late night talks with my sisters. Laughing in the kitchen with my mom. Hearing the garage door open and knowing that my dad is home. Going to my grandma's for dinner and holidays. Knowing that my best friends are only a short car ride away. It's those little tiny moments that happen in life every day that I think I would miss the most, and that I'm afraid to let go of. Because though I've gotten to be apart of so many of them, there are always more to come. Always. And that's my catch 22.

Staying or leaving. Either way something is lost and something is gained. But through it all I feel so lucky still, to be here now, living this. My now. And whatever happens in the future, not matter where I go, I'll always be able to look back and know that I was forged in the crucible. I was in this place in this time with these people, and I saw everything. And someday I'll go somewhere new and I'll see even more. And that's lucky too. Because I was here. I am here. And someday maybe my here will be somewhere else, and this here will become a there. But no matter what, the people that exist in my now will always be in it, no matter where here or there is. Because really, they are my now. And they always will be.

Not sure if this has made any sense at all whatsoever. But tonight I just felt like writing, and this is what came out.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

One Watcher, Two Dancers.

Recently my sisters and I did a photo shoot out at Shaw Nature Reserve and this is the result. It was a lot of fun and we met many creatures along the way, such as a snake, some gnats, and many, MANY bunnies. So here are a few of the photos from that day, there were just too many to include them all. Special thanks to Sunshyne for being our photographer and following us on the long journey through the park and then practically jogging back out so we didn't get locked in. Also thanks for putting up with me and letting me hang out with you and your kids. You da best. :) And thanks to Mom for tagging along even though you had work to do. Anyway, here we go.

"Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer." -Louise Gluck

Lucky for me I've got two dancers to watch.

Twirling.

Little House on the Prairie: The Remake.

Flowers in my hair.

Jumping in a dress is a dangerous game.

ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH.

We tried.

ALL the lily pads. Utter madness.

Trying to recreate the Titanic pose.

Huggin'.

So there you go. Hope you're all having a lovely rest of your summer. I still can't believe it's already August. Summer needs to slow down a bit, I think.

Love & Chaos,

Sam

IV

Here are a few photos from my Fourth of July. We spent a crazy afternoon at the Zoo and then watched the fireworks with some family. Let's just say this 4th was a pretty great one. :)

After the fireworks we had some fun with sparklers.

Gotta love that long exposure.

Oh, and also this happened. Whilst at the Zoo I ran into Evan Peters and Emma Roberts from American Horror Story. EVAN PETERS AND EMMA ROBERTS, PEOPLE. Craziest, most surreal day ever, let me tell you. I couldn't stop smiling for hours. :)

Let's just hope that all of my future Fourth of Julys can be just as amazing as this one. Hope all of yours were great as well.

Love & Chaos,

Sam