WARNING: MAY BE SPOILERS AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I know it might seem silly to some people who don't read a lot to say that a book changed my life, but I promise you it did. I think every book I read changes me just a little, but none have altered me so deeply as this little book. They say as you read you leave little pieces of yourself inside the pages, that's why the book always seems a little thicker after you're finished reading it. I believe this is true, and I think it goes both ways. There are bits of me left between the pages of The Fault in our Stars (TFIOS), mostly tears, and there are bits of the book that are now ingrained in my heart. I think when something affects you so deeply, when it makes you weep or laugh out loud, it sticks with you longer. This book filled my heart and then broke it into pieces and yet I still love it all the more. The books that have broken my heart are almost always my favorite, but maybe that's because the ones that break your heart are also the ones that make you feel the most. Or maybe I'm just a glutton for literary punishment. Either way, it's always the books that make me feel something deeply that I remember the most.
Obviously I wish that things had ended differently with TFIOS. I wish that Hazel and Augustus had gotten more time. I wish that their little infinity could last forever. And when I read those words on the first page of chapter 21 I balled my eyes out and didn't stop even after I finished the book. I'm pretty sure I cried for three days after that. And then once I'd cried myself out I needed to tell someone about it. I needed someone else to understand what this book meant to me. I needed someone else to feel what I was feeling.
There's actually a quote in the book that describes perfectly how I feel about the book itself. It goes like this.
“Sometimes, you
read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become
convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and
until all living humans read the book. And then there are books like An
Imperial Affliction, which you can't tell people about, books so special and
rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like betrayal” -- John
Green
With The Fault in Our Stars I felt all of the things, including the urge to tell everyone about it, while also wanting to keep it to myself forever. I'd never had those feelings with other books quite as much as I did with TFIOS. It was like a whole new ball game. Until then I don't think I'd ever read something that had made me quite so happy and yet so sad at the exact same time. This book was a roller coaster ride of emotions, let me tell you. But please people, don't let the fact that you're probably going to cry your eyes out keep you from reading the book, or seeing the movie. A little sadness is cathartic every once in awhile. A few tears are good for you. This book will be good for you. Trust me. And even though a part of me wishes I could keep it all to myself, I know that everyone out there needs to read this book. I hope you do if you haven't already.
After reading TFIOS, that first week I didn't do much of anything. I was in a bit of a haze, just walking around, sometimes crying, sometimes smiling, constantly thinking about the book. After that I had to know everything I possibly could, so I read up on the author, Mr. John Green. And then I went to the library and I checked out every single book he'd written even one word in. And again I was floored. All of his books are just these amazing, strange, beautiful creations that you never get tired of reading. With every book I just wished it would go on and on forever. Because with John's books you don't question whether or not they could be real. You know they could. They're not, obviously, but they could be. And you desperately want them to be, with all of your heart. You want there to be people living in this world that are as perfectly imperfect and as beautifully flawed as Gus and Hazel, or Pudge, or Colin, or Quentin, or Will. And you wish that best friends like Hassan, or Ben and Radar, or Tiny Cooper actually existed. And at the same time you wonder if maybe they do.
John Green's novels are some of my very favorites to read aloud. To read them out loud sounds like music to me. The language is so beautifully thought out and the words feel so good to say. With every line I'm realizing what it really means to be a writer, and what exactly words can do. Words have a lot more power than people give them credit for, but with John's books you never doubt it. Words have the power to build and to destroy, and sometimes they do both at the very same time. That's what I love about them, and that's what I love about TFIOS. It makes me feel so many different things all at the same time and it makes me want to be better. A better friend, a better person, a better writer. It makes me want to experience all that life has to offer and to make the most of my little infinity.
And the film does just the same. It's so beautifully shot and thought out, every detail designed to make the reader happy and to stay true to the film. With some book to movie adaptations I think that something gets lost. Either the filmmakers or the actors just aren't committed enough to make the story exactly what it should be. But with TFIOS we got lucky, so very, very lucky. We got actors and filmmakers who were in love with the book just as much as we were, and who made a film we can all be proud of. I know I'm proud of it, and I wasn't even involved. I'm just so happy that something so special to me was made into something just as special. For me the book and the film are one in the same, two sides of a coin. I know that the book will always be more, mean more, because that's how books always are. You can fit more details into books, and I love my details. But the film is something special too, something to be celebrated. And I hope that after you've read the book you'll go and see the film. It's a beautiful piece of art, just like the book.
I guess really what the book gave to me after all was hope. The hope for something more than what I am. Like Gus I often find myself wishing to be remembered and to make my mark on the world. But what this book taught me is that to mean something you don't have to be known and loved by everyone. In the end, all you really need is to be loved by one person. And if you have that, then that's all that really matters. If you have that then you have everything.
As much as I wish I could go on and on forever about TFIOS, and trust me I could, I think I've written all I can possible get out about how special and important it is to me. Like I said, I'll never be able to express it all, but I've done the best I could. I love love love this book and these characters and I know that their story will stick with me now, for always. No book before it has done what it has for me. This book is the happiest, saddest, funniest, most tragic, most wonderful book I've ever read. And I can only hope to be able to read more like it in the future. Though I'm not sure any will ever top it as my favorite.
This book gave me a forever within the numbered pages, and I will be forever grateful. And if I can only ever write something that's even a small minuscule fraction as good as TFIOS, then I will be happy. Because it's just the greatest, and I am in love with it.
Okay? Okay.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
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