Music Monday (2)

Since I enjoyed it so much last time, I thought I'd try and make this music sharing a regular thing. So here are some of the (new and old) bands and artists I've been listening to lately.

1. Bob Dylan

Dylan's been around a long time; a really long time. I mean, it's thanks to him that we even have a lot of the music we listen to today. He changed the music game. Everyone knows he's a legend, myself included, but though I've always loved Dylan's music, it hasn't been until recently that I started listening to it on a regular basis and really getting into it. To be perfectly honest I've become a little obsessed and maybe it has something to do with the 1960s history class I've been taking, or the fact that his older music reminds me of simpler times and summer road trips, or maybe it's because I like to believe that I lived through the 60s in a past life. No matter the reason, for me, Dylan is truly the best of the best, hands down. And to anyone who thinks otherwise I say, what are you doing with your life?

Favorite Songs: Boots of Spanish Leather - Forever Young (Slow Version) - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right - The Times They Are a-Changin' - Blowin' in the Wind - Shelter From The Storm - Like A Rolling Stone - It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) - Mr. Tambourine Man - etc.

2. The Wombats

I've been into this English indie/rock band for a few years now and, for me, their music is always on point. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, if The Wombats start playing from my speakers it always makes me smile. Their music is just so energetic and their sound is so unique that listening to them makes me feel like some kind of music hipster who's stumbled upon some cool underground band that nobody's heard of. But honestly, I think everyone should know about The Wombats because they're just that good. Going to one of their live shows is at the top of my concert bucket list, and with their new album coming out in April, I'm hoping I'll get my chance to see them soon.

Favorite Songs: Techno Fan - Let's Dance To Joy Division - 1996 - Greek Tragedy - Your Body is a Weapon - Our Perfect Disease

3. Ellie Goulding

Obviously Ellie's been around for awhile now and you can hear her music on just about every pop station out there if you listen long enough, but personally, I like Ellie's music that doesn't get much radio play. It's her lesser known songs that I play on repeat when I'm getting ready for the day, and it's those songs that I can't help but sing along to or belt out when I'm in the shower or home alone. So whether you've heard of her or not, give some of her other songs a listen. I think you might like what you hear.

Favorite Songs: How Long Will I Love You - Explosions - Dead In The Water - I Know You Care - Love Me Like You Do 

4. alt-J

Here's another English indie/rock band that I've recently gotten into. alt-J just has a great sound that's both edgy and raw, and anytime I listen to them it puts me in a chilled out mood. The lead singer, Joe Newman, has this crazy awesome and unique voice that just makes their music that much cooler, so if you're looking for something with a great vibe, give alt-J a listen.

Favorite Songs: Fitzpleasure - Breezeblocks - Taro - Tessellate - Left Hand Free - Every Other Freckle  

5. Gabrielle Aplin

I've known about Gabrielle for awhile now, but it hasn't been until recently that I really started listening regularly. Her lyrics and her melodies are something I like to listen to when I'm writing, or when I need inspiration for a story I'm working on. And if you haven't noticed, I can't seem to help myself when it comes to listening to English singer/songwriters. There's just something about their voices, their lyrics, and their melodies that really help to kick start the writing process and get the creativity flowing.

Favorite Songs: Salvation - Home - Please Don't Say You Love Me - Alive

Anyway, there's another list down. Happy Listening!

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Right Here, Right Now

As I've grown older, I've come to realize that I am the type of person who has trouble living in the present. Throughout my life, but especially lately, I've found myself constantly trying to relive the past or worrying about the future. And I know that it might sound cliche, the whole "living in the now" concept, but I think it also rings true in a lot of ways. Especially today, in a world filled with instant gratification and documenting our whole lives on social media, I think it's important to take the time to live each day for itself, without thinking about what happened a year ago, or what's going to happen in a year's time, or even tomorrow. Because so many times I find myself in wonderful, memorable moments, but instead of enjoying these moments while I'm in them, I'm worrying that they'll end before I'm ready. Or I'm concerned with capturing them and sharing them with others; whether that be through social media or even just a photograph. And this bothers me. This constant need to document bits and pieces of my life for other people to "like" or "favorite." And then feeling disappointed when that picture I posted onto instagram only got one "like." Or that tweet that I thought was really clever didn't get a favorite. This is not how I want to live my life. 

Now, obviously there are moments that I want to document, whether with words or with photos, but the photos that I take and the words that I write should be for me to enjoy, not people on social media who I barely know. Shouldn't I be the one liking my own moments, shouldn't I be the one figuratively favoriting my own words? I'd like to think so, but the pull that social media has on a lot of us is strong. And for a girl who is constantly worried about being liked, who has never had the kind of self esteem that she'd like to have, social media can become a little addicting. By posting things to social media we feel as if our lives are being validated. We feel important, and special, because we can share these moments for others to see and maybe they'll like it so much that they'll click a button. But in reality, most of the time, the things that people are posting aren't really what their lives are actually like. People post the best parts of themselves onto social media; their best "selfie," their funniest quote, that one party they went to that one weekend after not going out for two months. But these photos and posts don't make up who this person is, not really. So when we look at other people's lives on social media and feel jealous, or sad that our lives aren't as exciting, the reality is that their lives probably aren't as exciting as they might seem. 

Now that my senior year of college is winding to a close and graduation is just around the corner, I find myself constantly wondering if I've done enough. Have I made enough memories? Have I had enough crazy college experiences? Have I met enough people? Taken enough pictures? And there have been a lot of times where I've worried that the answers to these questions have been no. But who's to say what is really enough? Don't we all decide what's enough for us and what isn't? And what's enough for me may not be for another person, but I can't change the past anymore than I can predict the future. All I can do is try to live each day while I'm in it, but for me, this has always been hard. 

Even when I was still a kid, I would want to cry every year around august because it meant that another school year was starting, and therefore I was getting older. While most kids couldn't wait to get older, to be an adult, I was always wishing that childhood would just slow down. So maybe that's why I have trouble leaving the past behind, because it's filled with so many great memories. Memories that aren't tinged with brokenness and anxiety and confusion. But there's a quote I've read, though I can't remember where or from whom, that goes, "nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed." And though I'm not sure I entirely agree with this quote on all memories, I'm sure that their are some memories that I've made even more wonderful in my mind than how they actually were. But as my favorite writer, John Green, has written, "You don't remember what happened. What you remember becomes what happened." And this I absolutely believe. There have been so many memories that I've had where I wonder if it actually happened the way I remember it, but the truth is that we can never really know. All we can know is that they happened, at least to some extent, and that they were important to us because we remember them. So maybe this is why I love living in the past so much. Because it's familiar, because it's safe, and because in some ways, I get to remember it however I want to. 

But the future, especially for a girl who hates change, is the opposite of the past. It's unknown, it's always coming, and it's uncertain. There is no way to escape it, and there is no way to truly know what's going to happen, which of course means I am constantly thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wishing I could slow it down, or keep it from coming for at least a little while. But of course I can't, none of us can, and yet this doesn't stop me from trying to figure it out. To quantify it in some way, to know it in the same way I know the past, but this is impossible. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet, and so really, all we're left with is the present. The "NOW" as it were. And I want to live in the now. I want to be here. Right here. Right now. But while physically I am, mentally I often find myself somewhere else. Either the past, the future, or somewhere else altogether. I snap photos at birthday parties. I shoot videos of concerts and see most of the show through a lens rather than my own eyes. All in the name of documenting the moment, or capturing the moment, or reliving the moment sometime in the future. And so many times I've been reminiscent of the past, or excited about an event in the future, but rarely do I ever take the time to appreciate the present while it's actually taking place. To be in a moment, living through it, and actually acknowledge that it's happening and it's beautiful and it's real. That is what I want to do more of. To seize every moment knowing that it will soon be gone, and not worrying so much about capturing it on film as capturing it inside my own mind and memory. Pictures are important, videos are important, but real, tangible memories are important too, and that's what I want to look back on later in life. The nights where I was having too much fun to pull out my phone, or the days where I laughed so hard at that joke and then forgot to write it down. Those are the things I want to remember. The memories that are just too good to forget; photo or no photo, video or no video. Those are the memories I want to make more of. Those are the memories I want to go back to later on. But right now, all I really want to do is appreciate where I am at this moment. As a 22 year old college senior who is about to graduate and has no f*cking idea what she wants to do with her life other than experience more beautiful moments. Because I'm not where I was ten years ago, and I'll be somewhere else ten years from now, but at this moment, I'm here. And I want to remember where "here" is, even after it isn't "here" anymore.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Spring Love

Whether it has actually started to warm up where you are, or there's still snow on the ground, technically Spring has officially sprung, so here's a list of things that I've always loved about it.

Things I Love About Spring

cool breezes and warm sun

flowers growing

trees getting their leaves back

greenery everywhere

spring rain

warmer days, but not too warm

tulips

spring break
everything in bloom

long walks

the smell of flowers in the air

being able to open the windows again
going to the park

not having to use air conditioning or heating

days getting longer
wearing dresses

hiking

school ending

family birthdays

bike rides

picnics

the tiny purple flowers that pop up along my road in early spring

reading outside

"You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot keep Spring from coming." -Pablo Neruda 

Love & Chaos,

Sam

Music Monday (1)

Music has always been a constant in my life. And over the years my musical tastes have broadened immensely, and gotten pretty dang good if I do say so myself. So, on that note, here are some tunes/musicians/bands I've been listening to lately (in no particular order). Some you may have heard of, some you may not, but either way you should check them all out.

1. Hozier

This Irish singer-songwriter is definitely my aesthetic right now. And whether you heard him at the Grammys a few weeks ago, or on the radio singing about taking you to church, or you have no idea who he is, you should look him up. And though I love "Take Me To Church," I also happen to love pretty much every other song on his self-titled album. He's just that good people and you need his music in your life.

Favorite Songs: Jackie and Wilson, Work Song, From Eden, Cherry Wine

2. The 1975

The 1975 have been around for awhile now, and I've loved them for awhile, but it wasn't until recently that I finally bought their album and it's feckin' fantastic. They're indie, they're rock, they're amazing. I listen to their music when I want to get excited about something, or when I'm getting ready to go out, or just when I want to dance a little bit. And if I ever actually get to attend one of their concerts I may end up passing out from excitement.

Favorite Songs: The City, Settle Down, Heart Out, Sex, Robbers...basically every song

3. Tom Odell

I first heard Tom's music on The Fault in Our Stars soundtrack and from that moment on I fell in love. He's everything I could ask for in an English singer-songwriter and his voice is just beautiful, people. Seriously. Also, a lot of his music is led by piano, which I always love. I'm a sucker for some good piano. His voice is just the perfect combo of power and softness and I can't seem to get enough.

Favorite Songs: Heal, Long Way Down, Another Love, Grow Old with Me

4. M83

M83 is a French electronic band currently based in L.A. and they've been around for quite a few years now, but I didn't really discover them until I heard one of their songs in a film I can't remember the name of. The song I heard and became obsessed with is "Midnight City" from their sixth studio album Hurry Up, We're Dreaming which came out in 2011. After I heard this song I looked them up and that was that, I was hooked. Their music has so much contagious energy it's ridiculous. I can listen to any one of their songs and instantly feel like going on an epic adventure or just jumping around my room. There's just something about their music that excites me and squeezes at my heart. It's the kind of music that amazing things happen to.

Favorite Songs: Outro, Midnight City, Wait, Too Late 

5. Luke Sital-Singh

Luke Sital-Singh is another English singer-songwriter that I stumbled upon recently and I'm so very glad that I did. His music is melodic and soft with hints of folk and even rock and it's the perfect combination. My very favorite song of his, "Benediction" was recently played on one of the last episodes of the television show Parenthood and if you loved this show as much as I did, you'll know how perfect this song was in the scene it played through. A beautiful song on a beautiful show, it was wonderful to watch...and hear.

Favorite Songs: Benediction, Bottled Up Tight, Nothing Stays The Same

6. Banks

Banks is an indie/R&B artist based out of L.A. that I discovered just recently while perusing through Spotify. I liked her music right away because of it's different kind of sound, but it wasn't until I heard her song "You Should Know Where I'm Coming From" that I took a closer look at her music and listened to the rest of her album Goddess. YSKWICF in particular spoke to me in a way that few songs can these days, but her lyrics were so raw and truthful that I connected immediately. Some of the lyrics in that song are basically like listening to the thoughts inside of my head and I couldn't be happier about discovering the artist who sings them so well.

Favorite Songs: You Should Know Where I'm Coming From, Beggin For Thread, Waiting Game, Brain

7. James Bay

Surprise, surprise, another English singer-songwriter. What can I say? I can't help myself with these gents and their lovely voices and pretty melodies. James Bay has gotten quite popular (at least with the people I watch on YouTube) in the past few months and I was more than happy to jump on this bandwagon after hearing his beautiful voice and amazing lyrics. 

Favorite Songs: Hold Back The River, Let It Go, Clocks Go Forward, Move Together

8. Ed Sheeran

Oh, Ed. The only way you haven't heard of Ed Sheeran in the past year is if you've been living under a rock. Fortunately for me, I have not been living under said rock, but instead have been loving Ed's brilliant lyrics and unbeatable voice since he first appeared in the states a few years ago. That's right, I'm a hipster Ed fan. I loved his music before he became insanely popular over here and I'm pretty dang proud of it. So when his new album "X" was released just last year I immediately went out and picked it up and I was not disappointed. I think I love every single song on this album just as I loved every single song on his last album "+." It's got all the beautiful guitar riffs and clever lyrics of his last album, but still has something different about it than his previous music. As far as new Ed Sheeran music goes, it's everything I could have asked for and more. 

Favorite Songs: Photograph, Thinking Out Loud, Tenerife Sea, All of The Stars, One, The Man

So there it is, a list of some of the music I've been listening to lately. Hope you enjoy and find some new (or old) music to add to your own playlists. 

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Happy Things

A List of Things That Make Me Happy

being with family

long walks through the woods

rainy days

laughing with friends

midnight adventures

country roads

city lights

pancakes and waffles

driving at night

the moon and the stars

dogs and cats, but especially Charlie

taking pictures of the people and things I love

Polaroids

driving around with the music turned up loud and the windows down

crepes and cupcakes

the smell of spring in the air

new books/old books

checking things off of to-do lists

good hair days

being Auntie Blue

going to the movies

lazy Sundays

ice cream

walking barefoot on the grass

children's laughter

warmer days and cool breezes

sunsets

making lists

Love & Chaos,

Sam

How To 2

How To Have Anxiety

At an early age you develop an unhealthy fear of people you do not know. When adults ask you your name you hide behind your mother's legs and let her answer for you. When she tries to take you to daycare you cry your eyes out until she is called to come pick you up. This prompts your parents to instead put you in the care of your aunt while they are at work. This makes you very happy. Your aunt is familiar, your cousins are familiar, you feel safe. 

You reach the age where it is time for you to attend preschool. Normally you would be afraid, but your cousin is with you, so you are not. You take comfort in his presence and it helps you to know that you are not alone. However, one day you and your cousin are invited to the house of a boy from your class. You go along because your cousin is going, but as soon as you get there you start to cry. You are in an unfamiliar environment with unfamiliar adults and it scares you. Your aunt is forced to pick you and your cousin up early because you are so upset. 

Kindergarten begins and despite the fact that your mother is teaching in the classroom right next-door to your own, you cry on the first day. You do not feel comfortable among all of these other children and this adult you've only met once. You want your mother and she is so close, but you can't get to her. Your teacher forces you and another kid to sit in the corner until you both stop crying. He finishes crying before you do and this bothers you. Eventually you stop crying and join the group. After this you do not cry at school until the fifth grade when you cry your way out of participating in a spelling bee. All of the other kids have to participate, but the thought of standing up in front of the whole school and being forced to spell makes you feel sick and wobbly. You are a good speller, a great speller even, but this does not matter. You cry when trying to explain yourself to your teacher because it terrifies you so much, so she takes pity on you and allows you to sit out and watch instead. You are grateful, but thus begins your pattern of sitting out. 

From here on out you become a non-joiner. The only activities and clubs you are involved with are the ones that don't require an audience. You stay away from sports because of the pressure and the audience, and because puberty has made you clumsy. You avoid the drama department because you have crippling stage fright, though you love to watch the shows they put on every year. In high school you even avoid joining student council with all of your friends because it involves activities where you're forced to speak to people you aren't familiar with. All of this avoidance causes you to grow up feeling as if you've missed out on something, the true high school experience that's always depicted in movies and books. The kind of experience you grew up wishing for. Instead of that experience, you get to have panic attacks and crippling anxiety. You become anxious all the time and you say no to things that would probably be good for you. You can't stand giving presentations and you rarely raise your hand in class, even when you know the answer. Even when every bone in your body is screaming for you to speak, you keep quiet. This becomes your identifier, for others and for yourself. You are now the "quiet girl" and you are not entirely sure how you let this happen, or how you ended up this way. You use this identity as an excuse and as a cloak to hide yourself away in. 

You watch as your friends blossom into wonderful, brave, amazing, brilliant people, and you wonder why it isn't happening for you. You wonder how come they all grew out of their shy phases and their quiet phases and you still seem to be stuck in the middle of yours. You wonder how they are able to do so many things and grow and change when you're just trying to keep your head above water. You begin to compare what you're feeling to a race, a race that your friends are winning and you are losing. Normally, you would call to your friends and ask them to wait for you, but this is a race that you know everyone must run alone. 

After you graduate high school you spend one amazing summer trying to shed your cloak of quietness and blossom like your friends. Finally, you begin to feel as if you are catching up to them in the race. You do things you've never done before and you have one of the best summers of your entire life. You feel free and alive and you never want it to end. But of course, the summer does end, and everything changes. No longer are you in the safe confines of your familiar high school with your friends. So you do the only thing you know how, you put on your cloak again and sink back into your shell. It happens slowly at first, causing you to think that maybe you've kept your anxiety at bay despite the big change in your life. By your sophomore year of college you think you're doing all right, that you have everything under control in your now somewhat familiar college environment, but you are wrong. 

In your junior year you begin to wonder just as you did in high school where all the time has gone and why you haven't accomplished more things. This is college after all, and while your peers and friends are off making new friends, and getting jobs, falling in and out love, and traveling abroad, you are exactly who and where you've always been. This bothers you more than ever before, mostly because you know that it's your own fault. You have built the cage you live in and you are the only one who can knock it down again and free yourself. You have once again fallen behind in the race, and you have no idea how to even begin to catch up. (You also know this is a stupid metaphor, but it's the only way you can explain it to yourself). Your anxiety once again becomes a crutch that you lean on to make excuses for your lack of participation in your own life. You want to do what your peers are doing, but even the thought of walking around campus makes it hard for you to breathe, and not just because you're out of shape. The sun begins to feel like an enemy and you begin to relish the cover the night brings. You find solace in empty places where you can finally breathe. You wish with all your heart that you could find it in yourself to overcome your weaknesses, but you can barely work up the courage to say even one word in class. And when you do your voice shakes and your chest burns from the nerves and the fear. 

You are not exactly sure what it is that you're afraid of, but you have your ideas. The first, you believe, is public humiliation, though you know it shouldn't matter what other people think. And anyway, you've never been truly bullied before, so what gives you the right to be so afraid. Second, is your fear of not being liked, but considering you barely speak to anyone you haven't really given them the chance to like or dislike you the entire time you've been at this university. And third, you suppose, is your fear of being alone, which really makes your anxiety seem ridiculous because it's what's keeping you alone in the first place. And despite these ideas you're still not really able to put a proper name to your anxiety or your fears. In the simplest terms you could say you have social anxiety and that you're afraid of talking to people you don't know and making a fool of yourself, but you know that nothing is this simple. Most of the time it feels as if your just afraid of everything.

When you tell people about your anxiety they don't really seem to understand. They assume that you're just being dramatic or lazy, or that if you would only suck it up and face your problems you'd be fine. They never seem to understand that your anxiety is an illness, just like any other. You try to explain it to them in the simplest ways you can. You give them a thousand similes and metaphors to show them how you feel, but still they do not understand. You compare your anxiety to a battle with yourself. Or like drowning in a foot of water while someone is yelling for you to stand up and yet still being unable to stand up and save yourself. They try their best to understand, but you can tell they really don't. Still, you love them for trying.

In your senior year of college your anxiety hits an all time high and you are not entirely sure why. When you first started college you thought that it would help you overcome your fears, but instead it has only given you new things to fear. You chalk it up to the fact that you'll be graduating soon, that you're having a quarter-life crisis, that you're just very bad with change, but you also know that it's more than all of this. You begin to question everything you know and you hate it. You start eating lunch in your car alone because the thought of eating around other people makes you want to hyperventilate. At some point you realize that while you're at school from 10 in the morning to 3 in the afternoon you're lucky if you even speak three words to another person. Some days you go five hours without speaking a single word and the fact that this doesn't bother you bothers you even more. You begin to dread the thought of leaving your room, let alone leaving your house. You start to lose any ambition you once had and you think you could be completely happy to stay in your room forever and never do anything but write half finished stories and watch Netflix. Even writing becomes a chore for you and a book that would have once taken you a week to read now takes over a month. You don't really understand what's going on. You wonder when the exact moment was that you started half-assing your own life.

You tell no one of what's happening to you. You wait for someone to notice that you're falling apart, but they don't. You know it isn't their fault because you do a very good job of covering up your anxiety with self-deprecating humor and sarcasm. You refuse to let yourself cry because if you start you are afraid you won't be able to stop. You realize that you should probably see a therapist, but you don't want to go on medication and you aren't sure you can afford it anyway. Also, therapy scares you. Everything scares you. You scare you. You take everything one day at a time and try not to look too much into the future. The future scares you more than it ever has before. This is the current state you live in. This is what your fear has done to you. It has turned you into a person you don't entirely recognize and are not sure you like.

For so many years you have promised yourself that you would never let your anxiety take over your life, but you worry that it's starting to now. You try to hold onto the moments when you can forget it completely and be free. You wait for the day when you will wake up and no longer be afraid. 

This is how you have anxiety.

***

This story was loosely written in the form of Lorrie Moore's "How to" short stories from her book Self-Help. I wrote it purely for the purpose of emptying my thoughts out onto (virtual) paper, so please do not take it too seriously. I just wanted to mess around with the second person point of view and talk about my anxiety in an honest way. Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. 

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Winter Love

Before it ends, I thought I'd give a shout out to my favorite season and the many reasons why I love it so much.

Things I Love About Winter

dressing in layers

sweaters and scarves and hats and warm boots

the first snowfall of the year and every snowfall after

the silence the snow creates

Christmas eve

catching snowflakes on my tongue

Christmas

hot chocolate

Christmas movies

my birthday

an untouched field of snow

being the first one to step into untouched snow

paw prints in the snow

new year's eve

spending time with family and friends

getting cozy by the fire

Christmas dinner

laying under the streetlamp at night and watching the snow fall from the sky

Christmas music (sometimes)

winter break

Christmas lights

ice skating (maybe)

sledding

snow ball fights and snow forts

snow angels

winter sunlight and sunsets

snow sparkling in the sun

snow glittering on the trees

icicles

winter candles

curling up under warm blankets

bare trees against a gray sky

footprints in the snow

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.”

-Edith Sitwell 

Love & Chaos,

Sam