As I've grown older, I've come to realize that I am the type of person who has trouble living in the present. Throughout my life, but especially lately, I've found myself constantly trying to relive the past or worrying about the future. And I know that it might sound cliche, the whole "living in the now" concept, but I think it also rings true in a lot of ways. Especially today, in a world filled with instant gratification and documenting our whole lives on social media, I think it's important to take the time to live each day for itself, without thinking about what happened a year ago, or what's going to happen in a year's time, or even tomorrow. Because so many times I find myself in wonderful, memorable moments, but instead of enjoying these moments while I'm in them, I'm worrying that they'll end before I'm ready. Or I'm concerned with capturing them and sharing them with others; whether that be through social media or even just a photograph. And this bothers me. This constant need to document bits and pieces of my life for other people to "like" or "favorite." And then feeling disappointed when that picture I posted onto instagram only got one "like." Or that tweet that I thought was really clever didn't get a favorite. This is not how I want to live my life.
Now, obviously there are moments that I want to document, whether with words or with photos, but the photos that I take and the words that I write should be for me to enjoy, not people on social media who I barely know. Shouldn't I be the one liking my own moments, shouldn't I be the one figuratively favoriting my own words? I'd like to think so, but the pull that social media has on a lot of us is strong. And for a girl who is constantly worried about being liked, who has never had the kind of self esteem that she'd like to have, social media can become a little addicting. By posting things to social media we feel as if our lives are being validated. We feel important, and special, because we can share these moments for others to see and maybe they'll like it so much that they'll click a button. But in reality, most of the time, the things that people are posting aren't really what their lives are actually like. People post the best parts of themselves onto social media; their best "selfie," their funniest quote, that one party they went to that one weekend after not going out for two months. But these photos and posts don't make up who this person is, not really. So when we look at other people's lives on social media and feel jealous, or sad that our lives aren't as exciting, the reality is that their lives probably aren't as exciting as they might seem.
Now that my senior year of college is winding to a close and graduation is just around the corner, I find myself constantly wondering if I've done enough. Have I made enough memories? Have I had enough crazy college experiences? Have I met enough people? Taken enough pictures? And there have been a lot of times where I've worried that the answers to these questions have been no. But who's to say what is really enough? Don't we all decide what's enough for us and what isn't? And what's enough for me may not be for another person, but I can't change the past anymore than I can predict the future. All I can do is try to live each day while I'm in it, but for me, this has always been hard.
Even when I was still a kid, I would want to cry every year around august because it meant that another school year was starting, and therefore I was getting older. While most kids couldn't wait to get older, to be an adult, I was always wishing that childhood would just slow down. So maybe that's why I have trouble leaving the past behind, because it's filled with so many great memories. Memories that aren't tinged with brokenness and anxiety and confusion. But there's a quote I've read, though I can't remember where or from whom, that goes, "nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed." And though I'm not sure I entirely agree with this quote on all memories, I'm sure that their are some memories that I've made even more wonderful in my mind than how they actually were. But as my favorite writer, John Green, has written, "You don't remember what happened. What you remember becomes what happened." And this I absolutely believe. There have been so many memories that I've had where I wonder if it actually happened the way I remember it, but the truth is that we can never really know. All we can know is that they happened, at least to some extent, and that they were important to us because we remember them. So maybe this is why I love living in the past so much. Because it's familiar, because it's safe, and because in some ways, I get to remember it however I want to.
But the future, especially for a girl who hates change, is the opposite of the past. It's unknown, it's always coming, and it's uncertain. There is no way to escape it, and there is no way to truly know what's going to happen, which of course means I am constantly thinking about it. Worrying about it. Wishing I could slow it down, or keep it from coming for at least a little while. But of course I can't, none of us can, and yet this doesn't stop me from trying to figure it out. To quantify it in some way, to know it in the same way I know the past, but this is impossible. The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet, and so really, all we're left with is the present. The "NOW" as it were. And I want to live in the now. I want to be here. Right here. Right now. But while physically I am, mentally I often find myself somewhere else. Either the past, the future, or somewhere else altogether. I snap photos at birthday parties. I shoot videos of concerts and see most of the show through a lens rather than my own eyes. All in the name of documenting the moment, or capturing the moment, or reliving the moment sometime in the future. And so many times I've been reminiscent of the past, or excited about an event in the future, but rarely do I ever take the time to appreciate the present while it's actually taking place. To be in a moment, living through it, and actually acknowledge that it's happening and it's beautiful and it's real. That is what I want to do more of. To seize every moment knowing that it will soon be gone, and not worrying so much about capturing it on film as capturing it inside my own mind and memory. Pictures are important, videos are important, but real, tangible memories are important too, and that's what I want to look back on later in life. The nights where I was having too much fun to pull out my phone, or the days where I laughed so hard at that joke and then forgot to write it down. Those are the things I want to remember. The memories that are just too good to forget; photo or no photo, video or no video. Those are the memories I want to make more of. Those are the memories I want to go back to later on. But right now, all I really want to do is appreciate where I am at this moment. As a 22 year old college senior who is about to graduate and has no f*cking idea what she wants to do with her life other than experience more beautiful moments. Because I'm not where I was ten years ago, and I'll be somewhere else ten years from now, but at this moment, I'm here. And I want to remember where "here" is, even after it isn't "here" anymore.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
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