Writing: A Love/Hate Relationship

Writing and I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship. When it's good it's good and it feels as if there is an endless supply of ideas flowing from my brain. But other times, when it's bad, it's so terribly awful that it feels as if I'd rather do anything else than write another single word.

Sometimes, when it's good, writing can feel a little bit like falling in love. It's like that feeling you get when a boy you've had a crush on decides to text you first. You get that feeling in your chest like your heart is being squeezed. Going back to work on an old story is like visiting an old friend. Getting to remember all the memories you've shared and laughing at old jokes that still feel like new. Starting a fresh story with fresh ideas is like visiting a new place, somewhere you didn't know you really wanted to go until you get there and you realize it's amazing. Going into it not quite knowing exactly how it will turn out, but just being so excited to have something new to write about. New people to create. New worlds to discover. In all my 22 years of life, this is by far one of the best feelings I know in the world.

But other times writing can feel like the hardest work imaginable; like pulling teeth or creating something from absolutely nothing. You stare at the page you're working on and nothing is coming to you. You're tired and you're annoyed at yourself and all you can do is turn away from the page before you go insane. Or reading over something you've written the day before, or the week before, or even years before and realizing that it's absolute shit and not really knowing how to fix it. Those days are especially hard. Those are the days that make me doubt myself. The days that make me wonder why I ever thought this was a good idea and how I ever possibly thought that writing was a sensible path to pursue. Because it's not. It's probably one of the hardest and worst. But my god, when it's good, it's absolutely incredible.

They say writers are crazy, and whether I can call myself one or not, I'm definitely crazy. I'm crazy for even trying to create worlds out of absolutely nothing but my mind and my fingers. I'm crazy for dreaming so big and actually hoping that these dreams could come true. I'm crazy for putting all of my eggs into one very thin basket. I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm crazy for wanting it so badly. But I know by now that I'd be even crazier if I stopped. Because these ideas and these words and these people inside my brain, they've got to go somewhere. And the only good place I've been able to find for them is a piece of paper, whether it's physical or digital. And anyway, I've come to find that the craziest people have the most fun. They have the most amazing lives, and those are the people I want to know and emulate. The ones who are crazy enough to believe they can do something, and then they go out and do it.

I went on vacation recently and I decided to leave my laptop behind. Mostly because I wanted to "unplug" and because I didn't want to lug it around, but also because I just wasn't feeling my writing lately. I felt burnt out and out of ideas, and I didn't even feel like reading over anything or really doing any writing at all. I'd hit a slump, something that happens often, so I decided to step away for a week. But of course, as per usual, as soon as I reached the ocean I was hit with a wave of ideas and inspiration. For weeks I'd been struggling to write anything, but one look at that blue water and those quaint beach houses and I had a whole new crop of ideas to work with. All week I couldn't stop thinking about my laptop sitting at home and being unable to get to it. I resorted to writing things down on my phone just so I wouldn't forget them. By the end of the trip I was going absolutely mad not being able to write. And as soon as I got home I opened up a new word document and I could breathe again. I felt that tightening sensation in my chest that I always get when I'm excited about a story or a new idea and it felt amazing. It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to squeal or jump up and down, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type to do either of these things. But when it's good, writing makes me feel giddy, which feels weird to write, but is true nonetheless.

So at this point I'm still trying to ride this just-back-from-vacation high and keep the ideas coming. Of course I'm always anticipating the lull, the moment when a story gets boring, or when I run out of ideas, or when I can't figure out how to put what's in my head properly into words. That's one of the most frustrating feelings; knowing exactly what you want to say, or how you want a scene to play out, but being unable to figure out how to get it onto paper in a way that makes sense and sounds good. That's always been the most challenging part for me. In my head I've probably written twenty books already, but it's getting those stories on the page in the way that I want them that I can't seem to figure out. But for right now, I'm just going to let myself feel excited again, and hope that this time something will stick. Because this is the part of writing that I love, the anticipation, the not knowing where the story will end up, the excitement to get to my laptop every night, the not wanting to sleep because I'm on a roll. Hopefully this feeling will stick around for awhile, but when the inevitable lull does come, I'll be ready this time. Because if there's anything I've learned in the past few years about my relationship with writing, it's that the two of us can't be apart for long before one of us comes crawling back for more.

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Summer Love

Though the true start of Summer isn't technically until June 21st, it still feels like Summer all around. So, here's a list.

Things I Love About Summer

no school

summer adventures

making a summer list

outdoor parties

barbecuing 

catching lightning bugs

hiking

vacations

exploring new places

bike rides

going to the lake

canoeing/kayaking

going to the river

swimming
exciting things happening

homemade ice cream 
freedom

farmer's markets
driving with the windows down and the music loud
endless possibility

watermelon helmets
road trips
lying in the grass and feeling the sun on your face

frogs croaking and crickets chirping

stargazing
picnics at the winery

4th of July

fireworks

going to the beach

warm weather
long summer nights spent with friends and family
sand between my toes

warm summer rains/sun showers

warm breezes

puffy white clouds and blue skies

lazy days
reading books outside

the smell that comes in the open windows and reminds me of books I've read

summer solstice - the longest day of the year
time - so much sweet, beautiful time

Love & Chaos,
Sam

Finding Balance in the Details

So many times throughout my college career I would stop and ask myself, "Am I doing enough? Am I using this time to my advantage, or wasting it?" And now that I've graduated I find myself wondering this more and more. So many people in my graduating class are already finding jobs or amazing opportunities. They're playing music, they're meeting people, they're making films, they're accepting internships; they're getting the chance to follow their dreams and do something they love. They're moving away and starting their lives, and it feels as if I'm still exactly where I was four years ago. Most people use their college years as the opportunity to meet people and make important connections for the future, but I did not. Instead of consciously making the effort to connect and plan for the future I spent all of my time just trying to get through each day. While everyone around me was living and sometimes even thriving, I was just trying to keep my head above water. In some ways I think it has always been this way for me, but in other ways it hasn't. 

In high school I was the over achiever, the straight A student, the perfectionist; then college swooped in and knocked me down a few pegs. I went from being the planner to the procrastinator, but I suppose college does that to the best of us. If I'm being honest with myself I know I could have done better. I could have worked harder, studied longer, read more, but college took so much out of me. I started taking naps, and up until then I hadn't taken a nap since I was a kid. I would come home exhausted each day just from being around people for so long that I'd do the bare minimum of work to get by.  And I did get by. My grades weren't terrible. They were average, sometimes even on the level of my high school grades, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself work as hard as I had then.

I think part of the reason why I lost some of my drive in college is because I've always been able to see details so much better than I can see the bigger picture. In high school it was easier because I knew exactly where I was headed and what I needed to do to get there. I was going to college, and so I got the grades that I needed to get me there. But when I did finally get there, everything became a little fuzzy. I couldn't see the big picture anymore, I couldn't see where I would go next, so instead I just focused on the little details that I could control. I got the grades I needed to pass my classes, to keep my scholarship, to graduate, but that's it. I didn't try to make connections that would aid in my future because I had no idea where my future was going, and I still don't. I know I'm not alone in this, I know that a lot of people are in the same situation I am, but sometimes this is also hard to see. Being the detail oriented person that I am, it's much easier for me just to focus on what's right in front of me, rather than what's coming. Because what's coming can always change, but right here and now is where I am, and I want to make the most of it. 

But on the other hand, I hate feeling unprepared. I hate falling behind, feeling left out, not being ahead of the curve, or even with it. I hate that so many people around me seem to have everything together and I'm just so lost most of the time. And though realistically I know that they don't have everything together, and that most of the people my age are going through exactly what I'm going through, it's hard to remember this when it isn't right in front of me. Because what I see are my peers on Facebook or Twitter talking about the new job they just got, or the new place they're moving to, or the internship that they're excited for. I don't see the struggle, or the worry, or the confusion, because who wants to put that on social media? No one. And so I forget that I'm not alone in this, even if it feels like I am.

So when asking myself the hard questions, like did I get as much out of college as I should have, the answer is probably no. I didn't use my time the way that other people did. I didn't get involved like I should have. I didn't meet as many new people as I should have. I didn't make as many connections as I wish I could have, and that's on me. I'm the one who didn't go to events, the one who left campus as soon as my classes were over, the one who spent every weekend of her freshman year commuting home, all because I was afraid. All because I couldn't bare to miss a single moment of whatever was happening at home. But if you asked me if I wanted to take those moments back in exchange for what could have been, I think I'd say no. Because even though I do regret not taking advantage of my college years as much as I should have, I don't regret getting to spend time with the people I love. This is how I've always explained it to myself and other people. Why would I want to stay on campus during the weekend, sitting alone in a dorm, or surrounded by people I don't really know, when I could be at home with my family, sleeping in my own bed and having pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday morning? To be honest, this was probably an unhealthy way to live the past four years of my life, and this is also why I didn't make the connections I wish I had, but I can't change that now. All I can do now is go forward with the knowledge that I need to do better. I need to learn to find a balance in my life; a balance between time spent with family and friends and time spent among people who I may not know very well, but who could end up becoming great friends and lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I need to learn to let go a little, and to be open to new people, experiences, and possibilities. Because even though the familiar moments are important, they can't always be the only thing in my life. Life isn't meant to be lived one sided. There has to be a balance.

I'm not a little girl anymore, as much as I hate to admit it, and I have to learn who I am on my own. I have to figure out who I am without the people I am most attached to, no matter how hard it may be, because they can't live my life for me. I have to start taking responsibility, not only for where I am now, but for where I go from here. No one can pave the way for me and no one can hold my hand and show me how to do it. Life is something I have to learn to live on my own, but life is also so much better surrounded by the people you love most. So for now, this is where I'm at. I'm learning as I go and trying to find that perfect balance between the familiar and the unknown. And though I may not have used all of my time in college doing what I should have, I know that I used it doing something that was important to me, and integral to my survival. And now I can go forward knowing that maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe I don't have to give up one thing to have the other. I can go out and explore the world, I can make new connections, I can find my way, all the while knowing that the people and places I love will still be there for me, no matter how far away I may get. And though I'm not naive to how difficult and terrifying the road ahead will be, I also know that it will be worth it in the end. Not only because it will help me to grow and learn, but because it will teach me how all of the different pieces of my life can connect. It will show me how all the little details of me can come together to create the bigger picture of who I'm supposed to be, and where my life can take me, even if I can't quite see it yet.

Love & Chaos,
Sam