Writing: A Love/Hate Relationship

Writing and I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship. When it's good it's good and it feels as if there is an endless supply of ideas flowing from my brain. But other times, when it's bad, it's so terribly awful that it feels as if I'd rather do anything else than write another single word.

Sometimes, when it's good, writing can feel a little bit like falling in love. It's like that feeling you get when a boy you've had a crush on decides to text you first. You get that feeling in your chest like your heart is being squeezed. Going back to work on an old story is like visiting an old friend. Getting to remember all the memories you've shared and laughing at old jokes that still feel like new. Starting a fresh story with fresh ideas is like visiting a new place, somewhere you didn't know you really wanted to go until you get there and you realize it's amazing. Going into it not quite knowing exactly how it will turn out, but just being so excited to have something new to write about. New people to create. New worlds to discover. In all my 22 years of life, this is by far one of the best feelings I know in the world.

But other times writing can feel like the hardest work imaginable; like pulling teeth or creating something from absolutely nothing. You stare at the page you're working on and nothing is coming to you. You're tired and you're annoyed at yourself and all you can do is turn away from the page before you go insane. Or reading over something you've written the day before, or the week before, or even years before and realizing that it's absolute shit and not really knowing how to fix it. Those days are especially hard. Those are the days that make me doubt myself. The days that make me wonder why I ever thought this was a good idea and how I ever possibly thought that writing was a sensible path to pursue. Because it's not. It's probably one of the hardest and worst. But my god, when it's good, it's absolutely incredible.

They say writers are crazy, and whether I can call myself one or not, I'm definitely crazy. I'm crazy for even trying to create worlds out of absolutely nothing but my mind and my fingers. I'm crazy for dreaming so big and actually hoping that these dreams could come true. I'm crazy for putting all of my eggs into one very thin basket. I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm crazy for wanting it so badly. But I know by now that I'd be even crazier if I stopped. Because these ideas and these words and these people inside my brain, they've got to go somewhere. And the only good place I've been able to find for them is a piece of paper, whether it's physical or digital. And anyway, I've come to find that the craziest people have the most fun. They have the most amazing lives, and those are the people I want to know and emulate. The ones who are crazy enough to believe they can do something, and then they go out and do it.

I went on vacation recently and I decided to leave my laptop behind. Mostly because I wanted to "unplug" and because I didn't want to lug it around, but also because I just wasn't feeling my writing lately. I felt burnt out and out of ideas, and I didn't even feel like reading over anything or really doing any writing at all. I'd hit a slump, something that happens often, so I decided to step away for a week. But of course, as per usual, as soon as I reached the ocean I was hit with a wave of ideas and inspiration. For weeks I'd been struggling to write anything, but one look at that blue water and those quaint beach houses and I had a whole new crop of ideas to work with. All week I couldn't stop thinking about my laptop sitting at home and being unable to get to it. I resorted to writing things down on my phone just so I wouldn't forget them. By the end of the trip I was going absolutely mad not being able to write. And as soon as I got home I opened up a new word document and I could breathe again. I felt that tightening sensation in my chest that I always get when I'm excited about a story or a new idea and it felt amazing. It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to squeal or jump up and down, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type to do either of these things. But when it's good, writing makes me feel giddy, which feels weird to write, but is true nonetheless.

So at this point I'm still trying to ride this just-back-from-vacation high and keep the ideas coming. Of course I'm always anticipating the lull, the moment when a story gets boring, or when I run out of ideas, or when I can't figure out how to put what's in my head properly into words. That's one of the most frustrating feelings; knowing exactly what you want to say, or how you want a scene to play out, but being unable to figure out how to get it onto paper in a way that makes sense and sounds good. That's always been the most challenging part for me. In my head I've probably written twenty books already, but it's getting those stories on the page in the way that I want them that I can't seem to figure out. But for right now, I'm just going to let myself feel excited again, and hope that this time something will stick. Because this is the part of writing that I love, the anticipation, the not knowing where the story will end up, the excitement to get to my laptop every night, the not wanting to sleep because I'm on a roll. Hopefully this feeling will stick around for awhile, but when the inevitable lull does come, I'll be ready this time. Because if there's anything I've learned in the past few years about my relationship with writing, it's that the two of us can't be apart for long before one of us comes crawling back for more.

Love & Chaos,
Sam