Disappointment

If there's anything I've learned about life in the last twenty years, it's that it can be beautiful, and wonderful, and even magical. But it can also be disappointing.

People are like that too.
They can make you feel like magic, and they can make you feel like nothing. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I'm not really sure why. It's not that anyone in my life has disappointed me in a big way recently or anything. No. I think it's more like all these little life disappointments have just been building up inside me, and so I feel the need to write about it to get it out of my head. All these thoughts that come knocking at eleven at night as I'm trying to get some sleep before school the next day, and I can't sleep until I finally turn on my lamp and write them down. I keep a little notebook next to my pillow just for this reason and lately it's been getting a lot of entries, which is good I guess. But anyway, back to disappointment. Fun topic, I know, but hey, we all experience it at some point right?

So yeah, sometimes people are going to disappoint you. Whether it's their own fault, or yours for expecting more than they are willing to give, it's going to happen. But is that really a bad thing, or your fault? Expecting things from the people you care about? Expecting them to care just as much as you do, and to do just as much for you as you're willing to do for them? No. At least I hope not. Because isn't that what it's all about? Giving of yourself to the people you love. That's what I've always believed, and still believe. But sometimes I've come to find that people aren't always willing to be there in the ways you want them to. Maybe it's too much for them, or maybe they're busy, or maybe they just don't care. Either way, it still hurts. I think it always hurts to be the one who cares more. To be the one who is willing to give more.

Of course I'm not always on the "caring more, giving more" side of things. Though sometimes it feels that way. But I'm sure there have been plenty of times where people have been disappointed in me too. In fact, I know there have been because I've been disappointed in myself right along with them. And that's the worst. Being disappointed in yourself. Because when it all comes down to it, you can't control the actions of others, but you can always control yourself and what you do or don't do. But at least when it's you you're disappointed in, you know how to fix things. Or at least how to try and fix things. But we can't fix other people, no matter how much we wish we could. All we can do is love them and hope they love us back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. And that's life.

But when people have disappointed me in the past I've always wondered whether it was because I just expected too much of them, or if my expectations were just too high, or if I had done something wrong. I kept thinking that maybe it's my fault for expecting them to care as much as I do because caring as much as I do would require a lot from a lot of people. I don't know. Maybe that's just my tendency to blame myself for everything. But whenever I'm disappointed I always assume that it's my fault. A normal person wouldn't be disappointed about something so silly, or something so little and insignificant. But to me the little things have always been the big things. The details have always been the most important. And I know that other people aren't the same, that they don't remember every little thing, but sometimes it would be nice if they would.

But I guess that's the future for someone like me. Someone who writes poetry and remembers details. I can't expect anyone to write me something back, or remember something so small because they're not me. And I wouldn't want them to be. I want them to be themselves, and that means accepting whatever they're willing to give. Even if that's not much at all.

What I need to realize is that just because people don't do for me the same things I do for them, it doesn't mean they don't care. It just means that they're showing me they care in different ways than how I show it.

And in truth, what I really need to remember is that I don't do these nice things for people so they'll do them back for me. I do it because I care about them, and that's all that matters. That's why I still do the things I do and remember the things I remember. Because it makes me happy to see the people I care about happy. And it doesn't matter if they can't write back or remember what happened last Tuesday. All that matters is that they know how much I care. And maybe some day, when they're ready, they'll show how much they care too, just in a different way than I do. And they won't ask for anything in return.

That's the bottom line, I guess. To not ask for anything in return. That's truly caring. And I'm not asking for anything in return, really. I just want them to know how much I care, and to know that they care too. That's all. Even if they show it in different ways than I do, I just want them to show it every once in awhile. I think that's all anyone wants. To know that they matter to someone, somewhere. To know someone cares, even a little.

So if there's anything I want you to take away from this post, it's this: Sometimes people disappoint us, but that doesn't mean they don't love us as much as they can. And it doesn't mean that they aren't doing the very best that they can do at this point and time. So the people that make it up to you, that show you they care (even if it's only a few times a year, in very small ways), keep them in your lives. Because at least they're trying. But the people that don't even try, that take you, and everything you do for them for granted, let them go. Find people who know that you are willing to do your best for them, and who are willing to do the same for you. Those are the people worth caring about. The people who you wouldn't ever ask for anything in return, but who are willing to give it anyway because that's how much they care. Those are the people worth writing poetry for, even if they can't write it back.

Love & Chaos,
Sam