Okay. I've been turning this around and around in my head for a very long time trying to decide exactly how to go about writing this post, and I've come to realize that it will never be exactly the way I want it, so I figure I'll just go ahead and do this thing and hopefully by the end it will make some sense. Here goes.
I have anxiety. Like a lot of anxiety. Let's just call it a shit ton of anxiety. Now I've never actually gone to the doctor about this and been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder (yes it's a real thing), but I suspect that I most likely have the general kind. To be honest I can't really remember a time in my life when I haven't had anxious tendencies, except for maybe back in elementary school when I didn't really care what people thought of me. I think middle school is where it really started happening and there was even a time (lasting about two or three years) when I would get panic attacks and shortness of breath a lot. The first time it happened I was sitting in history class and we were watching a documentary about these people who were climbing Mt. Everest, and I just remember it felt like I was on the mountain with them and I couldn't breathe. I would try to take a deep breath and my lungs just wouldn't let me, and I was freaking out thinking something was wrong which made it even worse, until finally I had to ask the teacher if I could go get a drink of water. After that it just kept happening at random times: gym class, field trips, pretty much anywhere, but mostly at school or in social situations. I'd just start worrying or thinking about not being able to breathe and then it would start to actually happen, or at least it felt like it was. Finally my mom had to ask the doctor if he knew what was wrong and he said it was probably panic attacks, but back then I had no idea what those were, so all I could do was just try to calm myself down and hope they went away fast. Once I reached high school the panic attacks pretty much stopped (still not really sure how) and I forgot about it, but the anxiety remained.
In elementary school, and even middle school, I was never really worried about being shy because my friends were all shy too. We were all nervous to get up in front of the class and present things, this wasn't something unique, so I didn't worry about it too much. But then once we all got to high school things changed, or changed for my friends at least. They all started becoming much more outgoing and were perfectly okay with getting up in front of the class and talking or presenting something. For me it just seemed to get worse and I couldn't understand why I still had to be scared when they weren't. They grew out of their shyness and I realized that mine was something more than just shyness. We'd get assigned a presentation project a month in advance and for that entire month I'd worry about it, a silly presentation in front of my classmates. I tried to tell myself to stay calm, that there was nothing to be worried or nervous about, but it didn't matter. Come presentation day I'd sit there with my face feeling like it was on fire and my hands shaking so bad I could barely hold the paper still enough to read it. It was awful, but lots of kids went through this, I knew. I'd see other kids struggling too and even though it wouldn't make me feel better, it would at least make me feel less alone. And by senior year I was able to get to a point where my hands and voice didn't shake as bad. But then of course just as I was getting used to talking in front of these people I'd known for years, senior year ended and I was thrown into a whole new environment with new people. College.
I'm at the beginning of my third year now (where has the freaking time gone?!?!) and I'm still anxious as hell. It's true that I've "come out of my shell," as people love to say, a bit more than when I was in high school, but the anxiety is still very much there. I get nervous or worry about the silliest of things, like reading in front of the class while sitting down, and my heart beats like crazy. Large groups of people make me anxious and I can't really be in big groups for long periods of time because it's just too much. I know that people could try and just blame this on my being an introvert, but it's more than that. There is something inside me that physically won't allow me to do normal human things, like getting a job for instance. I want to get a job. I need to get a job. But the prospect of actually going up to someone and asking them to give me one feels like the scariest thing in the world to me. Interviews, terrifying. Meeting new people, nerve-wracking. Normal human activities, daunting. I want to do these things, but it's as if there's this wall that is preventing me from getting to where I want to be. People tell me just to go for things, face my fears and get over it, or that this whole thing is just some idea in my head, but I swear to you, it's not. This is a real thing that I have and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. I mean, I'm pretty sure there isn't any kind of real cure for anxiety disorder, but the worrying is exhausting. Worrying about silly things that don't even matter, or worrying about big things, either way it effects my life. And regardless of what anyone says I can feel, deep down inside, that this is a real thing, not just my mind or fear getting in the way of what I want, but a real problem.
There are some people in my life that don't really get this. They call what I have "being shy," but there's more to it than that. They say I'm just lazy, or they tell me to just suck it up and eventually I'll get used to things, but I can't. I want to do normal things like get a job, I want to, but every time I even think about trying to do just that my body just basically shuts down with worry and anxiety. They think I can help it, but they don't understand that I honestly can't. That even just going out in public by myself scares the living bejeezus out of me because it means I'll have to interact with people. I even have trouble making steady eye contact with people I know, that's how bad this is. My mind is constantly bombarded with worries over the most ridiculous things and I can't even stop it. I wish I could. I wish I could say I'm "getting over it," but I don't think this is the kind of thing a person like me can get over. That may sound incredibly dreary and unoptimistic, but I'm just telling you the truth. I think I'll probably always have anxiety. The key will be learning how to deal with it better and learning how to work around it so I can at least be a semi-normal contributing member of society. I may always be awkward and anxious, but I can at least try my best not to let the anxiety control my life the way it has for the past few years. I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to do this yet, but I'm a work in progress and that's what your twenties are for right?
I apologize if this sounds like whining, I'm just trying to explain myself to myself, and I know that there are others out there who feel the same way that I do (right?) and I just hope that this helps you feel a little less alone, or that you can relate in some small way. So yeah. This is me, living with anxiety and trying to figure out exactly what that means. Here's hoping the next ten years are filled with a little less worry and a lot more discovery. Anxiety girl out.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
P.S. Please understand that this is just me talking about my own experiences, I know that things are different for everyone and that the way I've experienced anxiety may not be the same way that others have experienced it. I am in no way trying to say that my anxiety is any better or more severe than anyone else's. I know that my story may not be particularly unique, but I just wanted to share it, not only for myself, but for anyone willing to listen. Even if just one other person out there can relate and feel a little better, then writing this all down will have been worth it, even if neither of us has any idea what we're doing. Sorry that I don't have any tips on getting over anxiety, but this is just because I don't know any yet, as sad as that sounds. I'm not trying to be depressing I promise, just being truthful. Anyway, hope that all makes sense. This post didn't turn out quite the way I planned, but when does anything in life ever turn out the way we thought? That's why life is so exciting (and terrifying) and my anxiety is just a part of my life that I've got to learn to deal with. Clearly, I'm still learning.
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