Writing and I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship. When it's good it's good and it feels as if there is an endless supply of ideas flowing from my brain. But other times, when it's bad, it's so terribly awful that it feels as if I'd rather do anything else than write another single word.
Sometimes, when it's good, writing can feel a little bit like falling in love. It's like that feeling you get when a boy you've had a crush on decides to text you first. You get that feeling in your chest like your heart is being squeezed. Going back to work on an old story is like visiting an old friend. Getting to remember all the memories you've shared and laughing at old jokes that still feel like new. Starting a fresh story with fresh ideas is like visiting a new place, somewhere you didn't know you really wanted to go until you get there and you realize it's amazing. Going into it not quite knowing exactly how it will turn out, but just being so excited to have something new to write about. New people to create. New worlds to discover. In all my 22 years of life, this is by far one of the best feelings I know in the world.
But other times writing can feel like the hardest work imaginable; like pulling teeth or creating something from absolutely nothing. You stare at the page you're working on and nothing is coming to you. You're tired and you're annoyed at yourself and all you can do is turn away from the page before you go insane. Or reading over something you've written the day before, or the week before, or even years before and realizing that it's absolute shit and not really knowing how to fix it. Those days are especially hard. Those are the days that make me doubt myself. The days that make me wonder why I ever thought this was a good idea and how I ever possibly thought that writing was a sensible path to pursue. Because it's not. It's probably one of the hardest and worst. But my god, when it's good, it's absolutely incredible.
They say writers are crazy, and whether I can call myself one or not, I'm definitely crazy. I'm crazy for even trying to create worlds out of absolutely nothing but my mind and my fingers. I'm crazy for dreaming so big and actually hoping that these dreams could come true. I'm crazy for putting all of my eggs into one very thin basket. I'm crazy for not giving up yet. I'm crazy for wanting it so badly. But I know by now that I'd be even crazier if I stopped. Because these ideas and these words and these people inside my brain, they've got to go somewhere. And the only good place I've been able to find for them is a piece of paper, whether it's physical or digital. And anyway, I've come to find that the craziest people have the most fun. They have the most amazing lives, and those are the people I want to know and emulate. The ones who are crazy enough to believe they can do something, and then they go out and do it.
I went on vacation recently and I decided to leave my laptop behind. Mostly because I wanted to "unplug" and because I didn't want to lug it around, but also because I just wasn't feeling my writing lately. I felt burnt out and out of ideas, and I didn't even feel like reading over anything or really doing any writing at all. I'd hit a slump, something that happens often, so I decided to step away for a week. But of course, as per usual, as soon as I reached the ocean I was hit with a wave of ideas and inspiration. For weeks I'd been struggling to write anything, but one look at that blue water and those quaint beach houses and I had a whole new crop of ideas to work with. All week I couldn't stop thinking about my laptop sitting at home and being unable to get to it. I resorted to writing things down on my phone just so I wouldn't forget them. By the end of the trip I was going absolutely mad not being able to write. And as soon as I got home I opened up a new word document and I could breathe again. I felt that tightening sensation in my chest that I always get when I'm excited about a story or a new idea and it felt amazing. It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to squeal or jump up and down, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not the type to do either of these things. But when it's good, writing makes me feel giddy, which feels weird to write, but is true nonetheless.
So at this point I'm still trying to ride this just-back-from-vacation high and keep the ideas coming. Of course I'm always anticipating the lull, the moment when a story gets boring, or when I run out of ideas, or when I can't figure out how to put what's in my head properly into words. That's one of the most frustrating feelings; knowing exactly what you want to say, or how you want a scene to play out, but being unable to figure out how to get it onto paper in a way that makes sense and sounds good. That's always been the most challenging part for me. In my head I've probably written twenty books already, but it's getting those stories on the page in the way that I want them that I can't seem to figure out. But for right now, I'm just going to let myself feel excited again, and hope that this time something will stick. Because this is the part of writing that I love, the anticipation, the not knowing where the story will end up, the excitement to get to my laptop every night, the not wanting to sleep because I'm on a roll. Hopefully this feeling will stick around for awhile, but when the inevitable lull does come, I'll be ready this time. Because if there's anything I've learned in the past few years about my relationship with writing, it's that the two of us can't be apart for long before one of us comes crawling back for more.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Summer Love
Though the true start of Summer isn't technically until June 21st, it still feels like Summer all around. So, here's a list.
Things I Love About Summer
Things I Love About Summer
no school
summer adventures
making a summer list
outdoor parties
barbecuing
catching lightning bugs
hiking
vacations
exploring new places
bike rides
going to the lake
canoeing/kayaking
going to the river
swimming
exciting things happening
exciting things happening
homemade ice cream
freedom
freedom
farmer's markets
driving with the windows down and the music loud
endless possibility
driving with the windows down and the music loud
endless possibility
watermelon helmets
road trips
lying in the grass and feeling the sun on your face
road trips
lying in the grass and feeling the sun on your face
frogs croaking and crickets chirping
stargazing
picnics at the winery
picnics at the winery
4th of July
fireworks
going to the beach
warm weather
long summer nights spent with friends and family
sand between my toes
long summer nights spent with friends and family
sand between my toes
warm summer rains/sun showers
warm breezes
puffy white clouds and blue skies
lazy days
reading books outside
reading books outside
the smell that comes in the open windows and reminds me of books I've read
summer solstice - the longest day of the year
time - so much sweet, beautiful time
time - so much sweet, beautiful time
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Sam
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Finding Balance in the Details
So many times throughout my college career I would stop and ask myself, "Am I doing enough? Am I using this time to my advantage, or wasting it?" And now that I've graduated I find myself wondering this more and more. So many people in my graduating class are already finding jobs or amazing opportunities. They're playing music, they're meeting people, they're making films, they're accepting internships; they're getting the chance to follow their dreams and do something they love. They're moving away and starting their lives, and it feels as if I'm still exactly where I was four years ago. Most people use their college years as the opportunity to meet people and make important connections for the future, but I did not. Instead of consciously making the effort to connect and plan for the future I spent all of my time just trying to get through each day. While everyone around me was living and sometimes even thriving, I was just trying to keep my head above water. In some ways I think it has always been this way for me, but in other ways it hasn't.
In high school I was the over achiever, the straight A student, the perfectionist; then college swooped in and knocked me down a few pegs. I went from being the planner to the procrastinator, but I suppose college does that to the best of us. If I'm being honest with myself I know I could have done better. I could have worked harder, studied longer, read more, but college took so much out of me. I started taking naps, and up until then I hadn't taken a nap since I was a kid. I would come home exhausted each day just from being around people for so long that I'd do the bare minimum of work to get by. And I did get by. My grades weren't terrible. They were average, sometimes even on the level of my high school grades, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself work as hard as I had then.
I think part of the reason why I lost some of my drive in college is because I've always been able to see details so much better than I can see the bigger picture. In high school it was easier because I knew exactly where I was headed and what I needed to do to get there. I was going to college, and so I got the grades that I needed to get me there. But when I did finally get there, everything became a little fuzzy. I couldn't see the big picture anymore, I couldn't see where I would go next, so instead I just focused on the little details that I could control. I got the grades I needed to pass my classes, to keep my scholarship, to graduate, but that's it. I didn't try to make connections that would aid in my future because I had no idea where my future was going, and I still don't. I know I'm not alone in this, I know that a lot of people are in the same situation I am, but sometimes this is also hard to see. Being the detail oriented person that I am, it's much easier for me just to focus on what's right in front of me, rather than what's coming. Because what's coming can always change, but right here and now is where I am, and I want to make the most of it.
But on the other hand, I hate feeling unprepared. I hate falling behind, feeling left out, not being ahead of the curve, or even with it. I hate that so many people around me seem to have everything together and I'm just so lost most of the time. And though realistically I know that they don't have everything together, and that most of the people my age are going through exactly what I'm going through, it's hard to remember this when it isn't right in front of me. Because what I see are my peers on Facebook or Twitter talking about the new job they just got, or the new place they're moving to, or the internship that they're excited for. I don't see the struggle, or the worry, or the confusion, because who wants to put that on social media? No one. And so I forget that I'm not alone in this, even if it feels like I am.
So when asking myself the hard questions, like did I get as much out of college as I should have, the answer is probably no. I didn't use my time the way that other people did. I didn't get involved like I should have. I didn't meet as many new people as I should have. I didn't make as many connections as I wish I could have, and that's on me. I'm the one who didn't go to events, the one who left campus as soon as my classes were over, the one who spent every weekend of her freshman year commuting home, all because I was afraid. All because I couldn't bare to miss a single moment of whatever was happening at home. But if you asked me if I wanted to take those moments back in exchange for what could have been, I think I'd say no. Because even though I do regret not taking advantage of my college years as much as I should have, I don't regret getting to spend time with the people I love. This is how I've always explained it to myself and other people. Why would I want to stay on campus during the weekend, sitting alone in a dorm, or surrounded by people I don't really know, when I could be at home with my family, sleeping in my own bed and having pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday morning? To be honest, this was probably an unhealthy way to live the past four years of my life, and this is also why I didn't make the connections I wish I had, but I can't change that now. All I can do now is go forward with the knowledge that I need to do better. I need to learn to find a balance in my life; a balance between time spent with family and friends and time spent among people who I may not know very well, but who could end up becoming great friends and lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I need to learn to let go a little, and to be open to new people, experiences, and possibilities. Because even though the familiar moments are important, they can't always be the only thing in my life. Life isn't meant to be lived one sided. There has to be a balance.
I'm not a little girl anymore, as much as I hate to admit it, and I have to learn who I am on my own. I have to figure out who I am without the people I am most attached to, no matter how hard it may be, because they can't live my life for me. I have to start taking responsibility, not only for where I am now, but for where I go from here. No one can pave the way for me and no one can hold my hand and show me how to do it. Life is something I have to learn to live on my own, but life is also so much better surrounded by the people you love most. So for now, this is where I'm at. I'm learning as I go and trying to find that perfect balance between the familiar and the unknown. And though I may not have used all of my time in college doing what I should have, I know that I used it doing something that was important to me, and integral to my survival. And now I can go forward knowing that maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe I don't have to give up one thing to have the other. I can go out and explore the world, I can make new connections, I can find my way, all the while knowing that the people and places I love will still be there for me, no matter how far away I may get. And though I'm not naive to how difficult and terrifying the road ahead will be, I also know that it will be worth it in the end. Not only because it will help me to grow and learn, but because it will teach me how all of the different pieces of my life can connect. It will show me how all the little details of me can come together to create the bigger picture of who I'm supposed to be, and where my life can take me, even if I can't quite see it yet.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
In high school I was the over achiever, the straight A student, the perfectionist; then college swooped in and knocked me down a few pegs. I went from being the planner to the procrastinator, but I suppose college does that to the best of us. If I'm being honest with myself I know I could have done better. I could have worked harder, studied longer, read more, but college took so much out of me. I started taking naps, and up until then I hadn't taken a nap since I was a kid. I would come home exhausted each day just from being around people for so long that I'd do the bare minimum of work to get by. And I did get by. My grades weren't terrible. They were average, sometimes even on the level of my high school grades, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself work as hard as I had then.
I think part of the reason why I lost some of my drive in college is because I've always been able to see details so much better than I can see the bigger picture. In high school it was easier because I knew exactly where I was headed and what I needed to do to get there. I was going to college, and so I got the grades that I needed to get me there. But when I did finally get there, everything became a little fuzzy. I couldn't see the big picture anymore, I couldn't see where I would go next, so instead I just focused on the little details that I could control. I got the grades I needed to pass my classes, to keep my scholarship, to graduate, but that's it. I didn't try to make connections that would aid in my future because I had no idea where my future was going, and I still don't. I know I'm not alone in this, I know that a lot of people are in the same situation I am, but sometimes this is also hard to see. Being the detail oriented person that I am, it's much easier for me just to focus on what's right in front of me, rather than what's coming. Because what's coming can always change, but right here and now is where I am, and I want to make the most of it.
But on the other hand, I hate feeling unprepared. I hate falling behind, feeling left out, not being ahead of the curve, or even with it. I hate that so many people around me seem to have everything together and I'm just so lost most of the time. And though realistically I know that they don't have everything together, and that most of the people my age are going through exactly what I'm going through, it's hard to remember this when it isn't right in front of me. Because what I see are my peers on Facebook or Twitter talking about the new job they just got, or the new place they're moving to, or the internship that they're excited for. I don't see the struggle, or the worry, or the confusion, because who wants to put that on social media? No one. And so I forget that I'm not alone in this, even if it feels like I am.
So when asking myself the hard questions, like did I get as much out of college as I should have, the answer is probably no. I didn't use my time the way that other people did. I didn't get involved like I should have. I didn't meet as many new people as I should have. I didn't make as many connections as I wish I could have, and that's on me. I'm the one who didn't go to events, the one who left campus as soon as my classes were over, the one who spent every weekend of her freshman year commuting home, all because I was afraid. All because I couldn't bare to miss a single moment of whatever was happening at home. But if you asked me if I wanted to take those moments back in exchange for what could have been, I think I'd say no. Because even though I do regret not taking advantage of my college years as much as I should have, I don't regret getting to spend time with the people I love. This is how I've always explained it to myself and other people. Why would I want to stay on campus during the weekend, sitting alone in a dorm, or surrounded by people I don't really know, when I could be at home with my family, sleeping in my own bed and having pancakes for breakfast on a Sunday morning? To be honest, this was probably an unhealthy way to live the past four years of my life, and this is also why I didn't make the connections I wish I had, but I can't change that now. All I can do now is go forward with the knowledge that I need to do better. I need to learn to find a balance in my life; a balance between time spent with family and friends and time spent among people who I may not know very well, but who could end up becoming great friends and lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I need to learn to let go a little, and to be open to new people, experiences, and possibilities. Because even though the familiar moments are important, they can't always be the only thing in my life. Life isn't meant to be lived one sided. There has to be a balance.
I'm not a little girl anymore, as much as I hate to admit it, and I have to learn who I am on my own. I have to figure out who I am without the people I am most attached to, no matter how hard it may be, because they can't live my life for me. I have to start taking responsibility, not only for where I am now, but for where I go from here. No one can pave the way for me and no one can hold my hand and show me how to do it. Life is something I have to learn to live on my own, but life is also so much better surrounded by the people you love most. So for now, this is where I'm at. I'm learning as I go and trying to find that perfect balance between the familiar and the unknown. And though I may not have used all of my time in college doing what I should have, I know that I used it doing something that was important to me, and integral to my survival. And now I can go forward knowing that maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Maybe I don't have to give up one thing to have the other. I can go out and explore the world, I can make new connections, I can find my way, all the while knowing that the people and places I love will still be there for me, no matter how far away I may get. And though I'm not naive to how difficult and terrifying the road ahead will be, I also know that it will be worth it in the end. Not only because it will help me to grow and learn, but because it will teach me how all of the different pieces of my life can connect. It will show me how all the little details of me can come together to create the bigger picture of who I'm supposed to be, and where my life can take me, even if I can't quite see it yet.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sooooooo, Now What?
Up until now, there has never been a time in my life when I didn't know some version of what was going to happen next. There has never been a time, until now, when my life hasn't followed a specific path, at least when it came to schooling. First came preschool, then elementary, then middle school, and then high school, which was subsequently followed by college. This is how I always knew my life would go, but as of Saturday, May 9th, all of that has officially ended. I am now a college graduate and for the first time in my life I have absolutely no idea what comes next.
I guess the strangest thing about being (presumably) finished with the education system is the fact that I literally have nothing to do. There are no more papers to write or tests to take or deadlines to meet. There are no more classes to attend or schedules to organize or lectures to listen to. Everything about that life, the one I've been living for the past seventeen years (preschool doesn't really count), is finished. I did what I said I was going to do. I accomplished a goal, both for my family and for myself. I graduated. And despite the fact that I'm happy it's all finished, I find myself wondering, now what?
On the one hand, I'm completely terrified by all of this. But on the other hand, I'm kind of excited at the prospect of not knowing what happens next. Relatively speaking, I could do just about anything at this point. I could get a job. I could apply to grad school. I could start sending out my writing and cross my fingers for something positive among the inevitable rejections. I could save up my money and travel somewhere far away. I could do any one of these things and more and I could start tomorrow.
Throughout this entire process, the education system, we are constantly asked questions regarding our future. In elementary school and middle school it's "What do you want to be when you grow up?" In high school it's "Are you going to college? Where are you going to college? What are you going to study?" But at no other time in my life have these questions ever been asked with such vehemence as they have in college. Throughout the past four years I have been asked, sometimes on a daily basis, an array of the following questions. "What is your major? What will/can you do with this major? What are you going to do after you graduate? Do you have a job lined up? What are you going to do now? What's next for you? Do have a plan? Do you know what you want to do?" And to all of these questions, which have been asked more in the last few months than ever before, I always respond with an aggressive shrug or a noncommittal "I don't know." And of course, in response to my responses I have gotten a variety of other responses. Some simply give me an "I feel sorry for you" smile/grimace. Others prefer the nod and mumble approach before one of us walks away or changes the subject. While some continue to ask more questions until they can pry some sort of satisfactory response from me. And to all of these people, and the many more who are still to come, I say and beseech you, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHAT IS SO F*CKING WRONG ABOUT NOT KNOWING WHAT COMES NEXT? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS SO TERRIBLE ABOUT NOT HAVING SOME CONCRETE PLAN?"
I mean honestly, when did not having a serious, five year monstrosity of a plan become such a terrible thing? When did letting people figure out their own future on their own terms become so offensive to the general public? For crying out loud people, I just graduated college for f*ck's sake. I have just been released from a system that has basically kept me its prisoner for the past seventeen years of my life and now you're asking me what I want to do with the next fifty? To that I say, "WHERE IS YOUR CHILL?" Some may call this naive, but I'd like to believe that I will figure out my life one step at a time, one day at a time, one year at a time, and somewhere along the way (I hope) I'll find what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be. But until that time, please, I beseech you once more, stop with the questions. Stop with the comments. Stop with the suggestions and the references. I appreciate where you are coming from and I love you for caring enough to worry about my future, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without any of you, but it is my future. It's mine to create or destroy, to screw up or make successful and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of whatever I choose. I will talk about my future plans when I want to talk about them and I will do so with whomever I want to talk about them with. But until then, I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have been given right now. I'm going to enjoy this small sliver of freedom that has been given to me before I am forced to enter the "real" world and become one of those adult things.
So many people today place so much importance and so much emphasis on the future and on what happens next, and for a very long time, and sometimes even still, I was one of them. I was constantly plagued, and often still am, by the idea that I was never going to achieve anything of real importance if I didn't have some sort of plan for myself. I was terrified by the idea of not accomplishing certain goals in a certain period of time, but somewhere along the way I've forced myself to not care so much. By this I don't mean that I've given up on my goals, but only that I've given myself a wider time frame to achieve them in. This year one of my biggest goals was to start living my life much more in the present instead of in the past or the future, and though it's been hard, I think I'm getting better at it. I'm slowly learning to be okay with not knowing and, especially now, I'm learning both how terrifying and exciting that can really be. I'm learning not to put so much pressure on myself to always have everything together because that's impossible, and it's not healthy either. So many kids these days, and people my own age as well, are constantly being bombarded by adults to have their entire futures mapped out. Their expected to know exactly what they want to do or who they want to be when their eighteen years old, but the truth is that they don't even truly know who they are yet. I know I still don't, even after four years of college, and that's okay. We find out who we are through living our lives, not through planning them out. We find our path not by taking the one that others want for us, but by blazing our very own trail. So to the kids, and 22 year olds, out there who are still unsure of what they want to do with their life, I say, don't worry about it. Relax a little bit. You are allowed to not know. You are allowed to pick one thing and then change your mind and then change it again. You're allowed to make mistakes because that's what life is all about. It's about making choices, whether they are right or they are wrong, and then having the courage to change course even if it scares you, just because you know that a better path awaits you somewhere else.
And so, after all of that, I just want to say that the past four years, and the past seventeen, have been some of the very best years of my life, but they are over now. Now I have to pick up the pieces of what is left and create a new life, one that's hopefully better than the one before it. And though this prospect is incredibly scary, it's also incredibly exhilarating, because I get to put into it whatever I wish. I get to create the life that I want, even if I don't quite know what that is yet, and this in itself is a beautiful, terrifying, wonderful, confusing, but altogether lovely thing. So I'm going to embrace the not knowing, and ask anyone who cares to do the same, if only because it means that I get to revel in the beautiful thing that is right now, and the weird and wonderful moments that make up this life.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
I guess the strangest thing about being (presumably) finished with the education system is the fact that I literally have nothing to do. There are no more papers to write or tests to take or deadlines to meet. There are no more classes to attend or schedules to organize or lectures to listen to. Everything about that life, the one I've been living for the past seventeen years (preschool doesn't really count), is finished. I did what I said I was going to do. I accomplished a goal, both for my family and for myself. I graduated. And despite the fact that I'm happy it's all finished, I find myself wondering, now what?
On the one hand, I'm completely terrified by all of this. But on the other hand, I'm kind of excited at the prospect of not knowing what happens next. Relatively speaking, I could do just about anything at this point. I could get a job. I could apply to grad school. I could start sending out my writing and cross my fingers for something positive among the inevitable rejections. I could save up my money and travel somewhere far away. I could do any one of these things and more and I could start tomorrow.
Throughout this entire process, the education system, we are constantly asked questions regarding our future. In elementary school and middle school it's "What do you want to be when you grow up?" In high school it's "Are you going to college? Where are you going to college? What are you going to study?" But at no other time in my life have these questions ever been asked with such vehemence as they have in college. Throughout the past four years I have been asked, sometimes on a daily basis, an array of the following questions. "What is your major? What will/can you do with this major? What are you going to do after you graduate? Do you have a job lined up? What are you going to do now? What's next for you? Do have a plan? Do you know what you want to do?" And to all of these questions, which have been asked more in the last few months than ever before, I always respond with an aggressive shrug or a noncommittal "I don't know." And of course, in response to my responses I have gotten a variety of other responses. Some simply give me an "I feel sorry for you" smile/grimace. Others prefer the nod and mumble approach before one of us walks away or changes the subject. While some continue to ask more questions until they can pry some sort of satisfactory response from me. And to all of these people, and the many more who are still to come, I say and beseech you, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHAT IS SO F*CKING WRONG ABOUT NOT KNOWING WHAT COMES NEXT? WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS SO TERRIBLE ABOUT NOT HAVING SOME CONCRETE PLAN?"
I mean honestly, when did not having a serious, five year monstrosity of a plan become such a terrible thing? When did letting people figure out their own future on their own terms become so offensive to the general public? For crying out loud people, I just graduated college for f*ck's sake. I have just been released from a system that has basically kept me its prisoner for the past seventeen years of my life and now you're asking me what I want to do with the next fifty? To that I say, "WHERE IS YOUR CHILL?" Some may call this naive, but I'd like to believe that I will figure out my life one step at a time, one day at a time, one year at a time, and somewhere along the way (I hope) I'll find what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be. But until that time, please, I beseech you once more, stop with the questions. Stop with the comments. Stop with the suggestions and the references. I appreciate where you are coming from and I love you for caring enough to worry about my future, I wouldn't have gotten anywhere without any of you, but it is my future. It's mine to create or destroy, to screw up or make successful and I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of whatever I choose. I will talk about my future plans when I want to talk about them and I will do so with whomever I want to talk about them with. But until then, I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have been given right now. I'm going to enjoy this small sliver of freedom that has been given to me before I am forced to enter the "real" world and become one of those adult things.
So many people today place so much importance and so much emphasis on the future and on what happens next, and for a very long time, and sometimes even still, I was one of them. I was constantly plagued, and often still am, by the idea that I was never going to achieve anything of real importance if I didn't have some sort of plan for myself. I was terrified by the idea of not accomplishing certain goals in a certain period of time, but somewhere along the way I've forced myself to not care so much. By this I don't mean that I've given up on my goals, but only that I've given myself a wider time frame to achieve them in. This year one of my biggest goals was to start living my life much more in the present instead of in the past or the future, and though it's been hard, I think I'm getting better at it. I'm slowly learning to be okay with not knowing and, especially now, I'm learning both how terrifying and exciting that can really be. I'm learning not to put so much pressure on myself to always have everything together because that's impossible, and it's not healthy either. So many kids these days, and people my own age as well, are constantly being bombarded by adults to have their entire futures mapped out. Their expected to know exactly what they want to do or who they want to be when their eighteen years old, but the truth is that they don't even truly know who they are yet. I know I still don't, even after four years of college, and that's okay. We find out who we are through living our lives, not through planning them out. We find our path not by taking the one that others want for us, but by blazing our very own trail. So to the kids, and 22 year olds, out there who are still unsure of what they want to do with their life, I say, don't worry about it. Relax a little bit. You are allowed to not know. You are allowed to pick one thing and then change your mind and then change it again. You're allowed to make mistakes because that's what life is all about. It's about making choices, whether they are right or they are wrong, and then having the courage to change course even if it scares you, just because you know that a better path awaits you somewhere else.
And so, after all of that, I just want to say that the past four years, and the past seventeen, have been some of the very best years of my life, but they are over now. Now I have to pick up the pieces of what is left and create a new life, one that's hopefully better than the one before it. And though this prospect is incredibly scary, it's also incredibly exhilarating, because I get to put into it whatever I wish. I get to create the life that I want, even if I don't quite know what that is yet, and this in itself is a beautiful, terrifying, wonderful, confusing, but altogether lovely thing. So I'm going to embrace the not knowing, and ask anyone who cares to do the same, if only because it means that I get to revel in the beautiful thing that is right now, and the weird and wonderful moments that make up this life.
Love & Chaos,
Sam
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
One Door Closes
This Saturday, May 9th, 2015, I will graduate from college. It seems crazy now, how the past four years could have gone by so quickly, and now that they're over, I'm not entirely sure what to feel. Am I happy that I'm finished? Absolutely. Am I proud of what I've accomplished? Of course. But there's also a part of me that's a little bit sad, and a little bit terrified. Maybe this is because I'm so terrible with change. Or maybe it's because I'm supposed to enter the "real world" now and find a career and make money, and do all of those adult things I've been putting off for so long. Or maybe it's because of my constant worry that I haven't done enough in the four years I was given.
I know that a lot of people out there will say that the time they spent in college were some of the best years of their lives. And in a way I can understand this, but I'm not sure I can say the same. These past four years have been many things for me. Scary. Fun. Awkward. Exciting. Sad. Confusing. Wonderful. And in some ways they have been some of the best years I've had, but I'd like to think that the best years, the real best years, are still ahead of me.
Monday was my last real day on campus. And on this day, instead of going straight to class like I usually do, I decided to sit down at one of the many picnic tables on campus and enjoy the beautiful day. When I sat down I noticed that someone had written something on the table. Written in cursive black ink were the words, "You are living art." And I thought, Only you, Webster. Only you. Because you really never can tell what kinds of weird, beautiful little hidden gems you'll find on campus, and that's one of the things I've always loved about it. And I'm so glad that I found this one on my last day, because those four little words helped to remind me just how much I really will miss my college years. I won't miss the anxiety, or the tests and the papers, and especially not the cost of the textbooks. But what I will miss is the environment. The creative people. The feeling of being somewhere and having something to do, and feeling as if anything could happen at any given moment. Those are the things I'll miss the most. Those are the memories I'll take with me.
After seeing those words scrawled onto that table, it made me want to leave my own mark, so I did. Nothing quite as poetic, just my initials and the year I'm graduating, but it made me feel connected somehow. Both to my school and to the people who came before me, and the people who will come after me. Because maybe some day in the future someone will sit down on that bench and see my initials and wonder what became of me. Maybe someone will decide to add their own name, make their own mark. And it is in this way that a small part of me will stay with the school that I never truly got to know in the way I wanted to, but that I will always remember nonetheless.
I'm sure there will be a lot of things going through my head when I walk across that stage on Saturday. Like don't trip, and don't shake with the wrong hand, and don't forget to move the tassel, and especially I am so freaking hungry right now. But the main thing I'll be thinking, the main thing I've been thinking for the past few weeks, is how incredibly lucky I am. I am so lucky that I have parents who are willing to support me. So lucky to have siblings that have become friends. So lucky to have friends that feel like siblings, who can make me laugh until I cry. So lucky to have gone to a school that has helped me to learn and grow and become a little bit more me. So lucky to have met people along the way who made my college experience just a little bit easier. I am so lucky, in so many ways, and perhaps this is why I am sad about college ending, but not too sad. Not too sad because I know that no matter what happens next, no matter where I go or what I become, I'll always have people standing beside me who support me and who believe in me, and that's greater than any diploma I could ever receive.
As the cliche goes, "When one door closes, another opens." And though it may be scary, to leave behind something that has now become familiar for something unknown, I know that it has to be done. I don't know where I'll be going in the future, but I do know that I won't be going alone, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
Congrats to all my friends and anyone else graduating this year. We did it!
Love & Chaos,
Sam
I know that a lot of people out there will say that the time they spent in college were some of the best years of their lives. And in a way I can understand this, but I'm not sure I can say the same. These past four years have been many things for me. Scary. Fun. Awkward. Exciting. Sad. Confusing. Wonderful. And in some ways they have been some of the best years I've had, but I'd like to think that the best years, the real best years, are still ahead of me.
Monday was my last real day on campus. And on this day, instead of going straight to class like I usually do, I decided to sit down at one of the many picnic tables on campus and enjoy the beautiful day. When I sat down I noticed that someone had written something on the table. Written in cursive black ink were the words, "You are living art." And I thought, Only you, Webster. Only you. Because you really never can tell what kinds of weird, beautiful little hidden gems you'll find on campus, and that's one of the things I've always loved about it. And I'm so glad that I found this one on my last day, because those four little words helped to remind me just how much I really will miss my college years. I won't miss the anxiety, or the tests and the papers, and especially not the cost of the textbooks. But what I will miss is the environment. The creative people. The feeling of being somewhere and having something to do, and feeling as if anything could happen at any given moment. Those are the things I'll miss the most. Those are the memories I'll take with me.
After seeing those words scrawled onto that table, it made me want to leave my own mark, so I did. Nothing quite as poetic, just my initials and the year I'm graduating, but it made me feel connected somehow. Both to my school and to the people who came before me, and the people who will come after me. Because maybe some day in the future someone will sit down on that bench and see my initials and wonder what became of me. Maybe someone will decide to add their own name, make their own mark. And it is in this way that a small part of me will stay with the school that I never truly got to know in the way I wanted to, but that I will always remember nonetheless.
I'm sure there will be a lot of things going through my head when I walk across that stage on Saturday. Like don't trip, and don't shake with the wrong hand, and don't forget to move the tassel, and especially I am so freaking hungry right now. But the main thing I'll be thinking, the main thing I've been thinking for the past few weeks, is how incredibly lucky I am. I am so lucky that I have parents who are willing to support me. So lucky to have siblings that have become friends. So lucky to have friends that feel like siblings, who can make me laugh until I cry. So lucky to have gone to a school that has helped me to learn and grow and become a little bit more me. So lucky to have met people along the way who made my college experience just a little bit easier. I am so lucky, in so many ways, and perhaps this is why I am sad about college ending, but not too sad. Not too sad because I know that no matter what happens next, no matter where I go or what I become, I'll always have people standing beside me who support me and who believe in me, and that's greater than any diploma I could ever receive.
As the cliche goes, "When one door closes, another opens." And though it may be scary, to leave behind something that has now become familiar for something unknown, I know that it has to be done. I don't know where I'll be going in the future, but I do know that I won't be going alone, and in the end, that's all that really matters.
Congrats to all my friends and anyone else graduating this year. We did it!
Love & Chaos,
Sam
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